Buffy S5E19 Tug Lump

In which Tara the lesbian witch is turned into a retarded lesbian witch.

Getting towards the end of the season and Buphoey is ramping up the stakes, specifically by having the main villain turn Willow’s girlfriend into a dribbling simpleton.

So I’ll go ahead and say it, I’m not a fan of this whole lesbian thing with those two. And this is not coming from any kind of anti-lesbian sentiments on my hand. Far from it. As Ali G once said, “I love you lesbians, I’ve got all your movies.” No, this is mainly because we spent the first 3 or 4 seasons being convinced that Willoe is your typical dorky teen girl with a gigantic unrequited crush on Xander (who is allegedly a male). Then she just switches teams because she feels an attraction to this new lesbian witch. So which is it, a choice, or a biological imperative? I fully accept that people are born with certain sexual proclivities (among many other personality traits). Was Wyllow supposed to have been a lezzie the whole time before? It didn’t seem that way, and that’s usually the first thing I think of whenever I see teenage girls on tv shows. I’m pretty much screaming it out every chance I get.

If they would have brought some other character on the show on whos’ carpet Tara could munch all day long, I would be fine with it. Hell I would stand up and applaud. But Willoh? I’m just not seeing it.

Anyway, Buffy McGee is still dealing with her Mom’s one way trip to oblivion. So where the fuck is Mr Buffy this whole time? I get that he’s a douche but he’d definitely come back for the fucking funeral of his ex-wife and mother of his 2 kids (even if one is a magically created figment. One would assume he got the fake memories just like everyone else).

And Spike is still being a galactic pussy. “I will prove to you Bufffy I’m more than a monster and that my love is real and that I’m not a total butt licking fuck face.” AAAH, wrong on all counts, limpdick, you totally blow now, shut up.

And something else about Glory the uber bitch god of bitches. I’m going to go watch some Larry Sanders on the fuckin Netflix.

Buffy S5E18 Intransvestite

In which rowbit Buffy gets stuffed by Spike's dead vampire ding dong.

Buffy has a racist aboriginal experience with the Slayer spirits of mescaline and the outback, while Spike takes out his hog meat and pummels it into the synthetic bergina of the Bufffy robot he had built. He forced a nerd to make him a Buffybot so he could fuck it’s fake pussy! How fucking weird is that?!? How much time did the extorted nerd spend on crafting the robot vag? How were the pubes handled? Does it stay moist 24-7, or did he program some sort of secretion to be released according to predetermined stimuli? Can Spike tell it’s a mechanical slit? If he thrusts to hard can he get his peener jammed up in some gears or shit? The whole thing is absurd, I can’t be the only person wondering this. ROBOT SEX IS NOT A SUITABLE SUBJECT FOR A FAMILY TV SHOW. You have to ask these questions and explore all the tangents otherwise you’re making an intellectually bankrupt show, and I know Whedon and the Buffy creators don’t want to be accused of going about this half assed.

Anyway, I remember this being a pretty decent episode. Plus I’m a sucker for rowbit stories, even if the gory details are left unexamined. Say, that’s a good maxim to remember. THE UNEXAMINED ROBOT PUSSY IS NOT WORTH BUILDING.

Buffy S5E17 Foreskinner

In which Buffy has a super sad dinner.

This was a whole ‘nother episode of sad Buffymen being sad about Mrs Buffandra being dead as Roosevelt. And then Mishelle Tractorburg fights a 3 headed dinosaur with Spike to get a precious egg and it’s delicious yolk meat.

Basically a real turd that I remember being super bored with. Probably resonated a whole lot better with the main fan base but I was just waiting for it to be over so I could watch more RAYLAN GIVENS FUCK UP KENTUCKY FOR SPORT AND PLEASURE.

US Marhsall, represent, motherfucka.

Here’s one line from my terrible original post (not that this one is any better), in which I got hungry looking at mini-Buff steal those succulent monster eggs: “Holy shit i would kill a man for an egg and cheese bagel. And some taylorham or bacon on that beyotch.”

Buffy S5E16 The Potty

In which Buffy’s mom is deader than Reagan.

See you in hell, Buffy’s mom.

So I’m writing these a few weeks after I saw this episode. I got sick of writing a bunch of bullshit about this bullshit show so I just watched a bitch load more episodes but didn’t write anything down. Well, I did for this episode and the next but I was so fucking drunk at the time that it doesn’t make any sense. Not even in like a funny drunk way, just a dumb, boring, drunk nonsense way.

So I’m going to look up the rest of the season on wikipedia and write some shit down and it’ll probably suck the shit but that’s just the way it is. Thing’s will never be the same. I see no changes, all I see are racist faces. All right, that’s enough of fucking that.

This episode was depressing as hell and was all about Buffy and the cooze crew dealing with Buffy’s dead ass mom (did I mention Buffy’s mom is a fucking corpse?). The whole show is pretty cavalier about death, with scads of teenagers biting it on a weekly basis. It’s good that they finally take this death seriously but it makes everyone seem a little disingenuous. They have schools, like here in DC, where several students die of unnatural causes and it’s not such a fun place to be around. It’s hell on earth but without all the smart ass jokes and rich white parents.

So Buffy’s mom dies from a brain aneurysm and NOW you what to make a big fucking deal about everything? Eh, watch as I frig off an imaginary weenus to show my fake concern.

Besides that it was a pretty all right episode. Dropped in the middle of regular drama it would be even better. Whatever, better than most episodes, if I remember right.

And here’s one line from my original aborted write up that I’ll leave in: “Bufffy’s fake little sister wants to blow up someone’s head with the power of her mind. Nice. We all do sister. All of us have want that.”

Buffy S5E15 I Was Spayed Two Nuts off

In which some creepily cheerful babe asks strangers if they’ve seen her friend Warren, unbeknownst to her that Warren is out looking for his baseball.

Super squad of dork bags in the mystery party spend like the first 15 minutes of the episode boring the living hell out of me. Spike’s a huge poos poos and can’t stop pining over Buffy’s butty and then he gets thrown through a window by a stupid rowbit. You knew it was a rowbit because the title refers to someone being “made” to love someone else. So we’re back to season 1 type shenanigans, are we?

On the otherhand, the characters make fun of the fact that it was obvious that the hot chick was a rowbit, so at least the writers get it.

One thing I will give this show credit for is finding attractive women to guest star. I’d like to use my wrench to tighten this rowbit’s gear’s if you know what I mean. I mean I want to fuck her mechanical pussy, all the way, dude.

Giles gets all Angry Dad on Spike. Angry Dad was one of the greatest inventions of Calvin & Hobbes. Better than Spaceman Spiff even. Angry Dad was the fucking shit. Reckanize.

If I had the resources to make a robot sex slave, you know what I would do? I wouldn’t. I’d use that money or sell the blue prints or whatever and pay for prostitutes. Or hopefully I’d just be rich enough at that point and I could just get laid anyway. And I especially wouldn’t install a combat mode in my sex robot like the schmuck in this show did. Why the fuck would you do that? That’s fucking dumb.

Nice pay phone and analog answering machine. Get a fucking moble phone you crumb bums.

A very boring monster of the week episode, treading water until the upcoming finale, I suppose. At least until the last minute, when Spike tells the guy who made the first sex rowbit to make him one of Buffy (do vampires not masturbate? It’s not that difficult to simulate sex with Buffy if you have a functioning hand and healthy imagination, you know. Technically I’ve had sex with Buffy many, many, many times), and Buffy discovers her mom, lying dead on a couch. Whoa, major bummage, dude lady.

Seriously, Buffy’s mom is dead as Michael Jackson. Pretty gruesome. No blood or gore but her eyes were open and shit. Least I think shes dead. I did read by accident that she definitely does die, so I assume this is it. Guess we’ll find out though, fucking won’t we?

Buffy S5E14 Crud

In which Spike throws his game at Buffy and she’s all like NO, I don’t want to scrubs, a scrub is an undead bloodsucking vampire bitch, hanging out the back of his crypt in a pile of shit, trying to penetrate me.

Dingus Xander shows off he awareness of the movie Evil Dead. That’s by far the coolest thing he’s ever done. About as cool as the train full of dead people they tease in the pre-credits opening. MOTHERFUCKING DETH TRANE IS METAL UP YOUR ASS, BITCH.

Spike has make this slit he’s sport fucking role play as Buffandra the Vampire’s Layer just to get a hard on. I’m partial to nurse or school teacher but whatever, at least he’s not dressing up as Tony the TIger.

How is it ok for Spike to call people poofter’s but not fags? Why is one more offensive than the other? I don’t get it. I really don’t. Like ok, he can say bleeding instead of fucking, but poofter is homophobic. So what the frig, man?

Buffy confronts Spike about his vampy crush and tells him to get fucked. She could have been way funnier and meaner, like been all, yeah ok, you want to touch my buns? And then we he goes for the goose Buffy turns around he shoves a big wooden stake into his chest and turns him into dust. Then squats over the dust pile and unleashes a frothy steaming column of piss on it. SSSSSSSSSSSSS the pee would go before dribbling down the drain. How’s that taste, Spike, you fucking stupid dick? HAHAHAH, she’d laugh.

Spike’s “maker” or whatever retarded terminology they use, Druhilla, returns and Harmony (Spike’s ho), wants to menagie. But Spike tells her to get fucked and says he’s back to being bad. But he still doesn’t kill Harmony, which is what a true bad ass would have done, so fuck that asshole Spike, what a pussy.

GOOD GOD WHAT IS THE NEW SHIT BAND?!? Just when I though they couldn’t get any fucking worse. Music in the 90’s wasn’t this bad, I am positive. How about some Helmet, or Matthew Sweet or even Corrosion of Conformity for god’s sake. Shit.

Hah, Spike calls Bufffy and Druzilla bitches. You go, dawg.

Spike’s got a sweet little mastubatorium set up with his Buffy J.O. shrine. I had one of those once for Alicia Silverstone during her Clueless days. Complete with candles and everything. It’s true.

And then there’s a fight or something and everyone goes up, except Spike still has an unrequited vampire boner for Buffbuff. A fine episode I suppose. Nothing terrible (except that fucking band). I would say it was “good” but the whole Spike/Buffy thing just reeks of fanfic.

Buffy S5E13 Pud Fries

In which fake little Buffy learns she’s a pathetic charade of a human and might a well go draw a warm bath and open a couple veins.

I feel asleep half way through this one but managed to at least turn it off right before I dozed off. Now, a week later, I’m picking this episode up where I left off, and I have no idea what’s going on. I’m also trying to abstain from caffeine today to get my sleep schedule back to normal. So what I’m saying is this is probably going to be a really boring recap. Hey at least I warned you.

Don’s PMS is really out of control today. Take some Motrin, will you?

I think this is supposed to be a allegory for kids being adopted and needing to know where they came from, since that seems to be Don’s problem. Being conjured from thin air is probably more traumatic than most real people’s adoption issues, but then I’m neither so it’s tough to make that kind of judgement.

Apparently there are 3 sides to Saltydale, center of the city, East side and West side. Um, yeah, that’s all I got. See, fucking boring, right?

I think the first half of this episode was all about Spike trying to woo Buffy like a spaz. What a dumb plot development that’s clearly strictly for the fanboys (fangirls more likely). Also I think I remember some shit about the Knights of Byzantium Society for Creative Anachronisms. And maybe some crap with the evil god from the bitch dimension (that was Buffy’s line, nice one Boophee!).

And then Dawnn Ba Dooby Dawn walks her skinny ass right into the clutches of super sexy hillbilly God Gloaree. Glorgy needs bigger boobs. That’s just my professional opinion as an professional FBI (Federal Booby Inspector) Agent. Holy fucking shit was that joke terrible.

Uh oh, looks like bitch god is going to kill fake little Buffy, but then lesbo witch twins throw glitter on her (no really) and speak Latin and teleport her miles away and miles above Los Angeles. Pretty unipotent god if you ask me. I mean talk about your chump styles.

Well now, that wans’t so fucking bad, was it? Yeah probably it was. Sue me.