Buddy the Vag Portion Splayer: Inna Final ANALysis

In which I wrap up my entire Buffandra Does Cunnydale experience in one post because someone elected me pope of this dump and made my opinions SOOOoooOOO special!

Well, I really did do it, didn't I? The whole fucking Buffy televisional cannon in under 5 months. Oh, right, except for the 5 seasons of Angelo, the pussy vampire with the heart of gold. Well fuck him, he doesn't count. He's a massive skid mark anyways.

But inna final analysis, was it all worth it? To be bluntz, no, not really. I mean, I enjoy writing and jagging of on this blog, but the tv show was never close to worth the hype. Despite being a pretty big nerd, I never quite understood the obsessive fanboy stuff. I don't want to write the whole phenomenon off as a bunch of social mitfits who need to stop watching vampire shows and go get laid (except for the ladies, why not have a drink and relax, baby?), but maybe just start with watching OTHER, BETTER shows, you know?

But whatever, some people think Night at the Roxbury is a shitty movie (though usually they are communists and country music fanatics) so to each their own.

So one of the reasons I wanted to watch the entire series was the shorthand the show developed over the years that has permeated other arenas of pop culture, like "The Big Bad" and other dumb shit that I ignored. But that argument turned out to be shit. They weren't new ideas, they were just relatively uncommon ideas that a spastic fanclub assigned painfully corny names too. Like the Scooby Squad. Motherfuck the Scooby Squad.

The other reasons I was lead to believe made Buffy worth getting into was the rapier's wit of Whedon's trademark quip-o-rama dialogue and the impressive monster manual of demonology. Both of those also turned out to be over rated. Not altogether worthless, but not worth, fuck, how many hours of watching? 144 episodes at 75% of an hour a show, so 108 hours? Fuck my urethra that a lot of fucking tv. Good thing I have no life.

Despite all the gripes (too numerous and tedious to recount now - HOWEVER I will point out that the constant reference to Willow's witchcraft as wicca was fucking infuriating. INFURIATING.), I was often genuinely entertained by Joss Whedon's most substantial oeuvre to date. It's originality and ambition is reason enough to thankful for it's existence. And it's influence on mainstream programming and it's continual push towards increasing integration of speculative fiction should not be discounted. It's probably too much to say there'd be no Lost if it weren't for Buffy, but Lost is also absurdly over rated, why fucking quibble?

Going forward, there are a bitch load of comics, including 40 issues of SEASON 8, that I already looked up on wikipedia and will be otherwise ignoring (SPOILER ALERT, Willow s demagitized, Angel turns bad, a-fucking-gain, and Giles gets killed like a fratlord on a can of beast light), AND there is going to be another series of comics called SEASON 9, that I will likewise ignore, save the occasional update on wikipedia that the legion of Whedonites will no doubt be promptly posting. Otherwise I'm 99% sure this is the end of my tango with the sharp nostriled vampire slaughterer and her clutch of dorkwad companions. So, anyway, shit, is this wrapping sounding really boring or is it just me? Probably me I need to stop. Which is fine, because I need a fucking haircut anyway.

So long fucking Buffy, I'll see you in my erotic dreams. Au revoir Eliza Dukshu, I'll see you when I start watching the second season of Dollhouse eventually, but in the meantime also in my erotic dreams. Alas, farting is such sweet sorrow. THTHTHTHPPPPPPLLLLTTLTLTLT!

Buffy S7E22 Joe’s Anus

In which we finally wrap up this fuggin tv series of Buffy, the fuggin van tire changer.

Ruh-roh, evil preacher man is not dead, but in fact has blacken, bloody eye balls and asks Buffy if she’s ready to finish this, bitch. And Buffy’s all like, I’m steal eating motherfucker, get your own food. Bitch.

Angel has super duper powers but Buffy tells him to get lost and that she’s dating Spike, so fuck you, my man. Also Buffy slices evil preacher man up from balls to brains and then says “he had to split,” taking a line from the Ahnald Schvatzenegga’s school for cheesy bad guy epitaphs. “Nice balls, fuckface,” is the line I would have gone with.

“It’s pretty radical, B,” sez Faith regarding Buffy’s plan to beat the bad guy. “Totally tubular, yo, thats fuckin righteous, dude.” Holy fucking shit Eliza Dukshu’s boobs look amazing in that tank top. Her dialogue, however, is some of the worst I’ve ever heard though. And I’m not exaggerating in the slightest. In bragging about her sexual prowess, she claims to be “rock ‘em sock ‘em.” Thats just fuckin terrible. How do those lines even get written. Faith is the anti-Anya.

Team dork squad is playing D&D and they mention Trogdor the Burninator. I’ve been wondering what Homestar Runner has been up to these days. Not enough to actually go to the website. Maybe after this show. As for the gaming, for god’s sake, Mark, this is ADVANCED.

Twenty minutes of Buffy left. The final battle is I guess going to take place in the Stonkydale High School. Hopefully it won’t be as big of a let down as the end of season 3. Probably will though. Shit’s fucked up. Fuckin wack ass shit.

But Buffy’s plan fails and the first evil is unleashed all over the planet, turning it into a giant dump. Whoopsies. Actually the plan is to turn all women in the world into super hero slayers, even the fatties.

Oh no, Buffy is going to die again. For the 3rd time. Jesus is that all they can think to do with this show? Kill the title character? But Buffy’s actually not dead and then Spike’s magical pendant kills all the vampile’s with magical beams of light.

What, what the fuck? Anya is dead? Suck a dick, that is bullshit. Spike is also dead, I think, having been burnt to cinders. So that kind of cancels things out. And then most of the city is sucked into a giant sinkhole straight to hell. The end.

Yep, that’s it. Sunnydale is a smoldering crater and its all over.

WE DID IT YOU GUYS. WE REALLY DID IT.

Buffy S7E21 Smegma Toupees

In which that bomb that was about to blow everyone up blows everyone up.

Holy frijoles, almost done with this fucking beyotch. Are a shit ton of slaybies about to be blowed up? Is Buffy going shove that battleaxe right up Nathin Fillyun’s terrible accented ass? Wait, his ass has accents? Like special coloring or highlights? Yes it does. I know this for a fact.

The answer to both questions is actually no. At least so far. Most of the slaybies survive and Buffy runs off with her new axe without slicing Mr Preacher man bad guy to pieces. Cut that motherfucker, bitch, what are you waiting for? A graved invitation?

Buffy’s new slayer axe, which looks like it could double for an axe of the heavy metal solo shredding variety, is really good at killing rubber suited Nosferatu van tires.

One belt of scotch and geekwad Andrew is too tipsy to drive? Fuggin noob.

Xander keep rockin the eye patch. I guess he doesn’t have time to get a class eye. Now he looks like a big stupid pirate. The following movie is rated, AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! I can’t wait to see live in concert the band GWAAAARRRRRRR! My favorite actress of all time is Terri GAAAAARRRRRRRR!

Xandur, no one is going to call you Cyclops, because Cyclops is the best X-Man you are are a bumbling retard. A good joke to make for this Leela faced goon would be “Hey asshole, now you can hang out with a bunch of greasy dago Eyeties with your one eye, pussy.”

Uh oh, the preacher bad guy just has his voice artificially modulated an octave or two lower. That means he really want to commit murder way more than before.

Some boring ass conversation between Buffy and Spike where I think Spike just admitted that he loves cuddling. He may be a bloodthirsty vampire but he also loves spooning. Little known fact: when two fatsos spoon, it’s called ladleing .

Then Buffy takes her fucking axe to some fucking cave and meets some white haired old lady. “You pulled it out,” she says, right as the dude was spooging all over her, but was talking about Buffy fuckin axe and not the ejaculating guy. Then evil preacher man snaps that creaky broad’s neck. So she’s dead. Whoever the fuck she is.

Then we find out why Zander chloroformed Dawng. On Buffy’s orders. Why didn’t he just use a forgetmenow? I guess cause he’s not a magician, I’m sorry I mean an illusionist. However, he is a clown, so perhaps a ragged soaked in ether is probably more appropriate. Then Dawng tazes Xandur. Bro.

Then pussy Angelo comes back. What a pussy that guy is. I’m glad I never watched any of his fucking shows.

Then Buffy slices the preacher’s guts out and frenches Angelo, much to the dismay of pussy Spike. We now join the world’s greatest pussies for the last episode of Buffy ever.

Buffy S7E20 Tookus

In which there is a whole room full of girls but all I hear is a bunch of yappin. Blah blah blah, DONT TELL ME MY BUSINESS DEVIL WOMAN.

Remember, in the Stand, where Stephen King was like, well, I’m not sure what else to do in this book so while all the protagonists are sitting around this house, I’ll just blow it the fuck up? (SPOILER ALERT!) Well that’s what should happen in the beginning of the episode, when all the c words are just flappin their gums like a bunch of useless cunt lips, as Jack McCall, better known as the coward that killed Wild Bill Hickok, would say when he was on the hit television Western and vulgarity indulging masterpiece, Deadwood. That show was the fucking best thing ever to grace the erf. E-R-F.

Wilload’s new mexicalilezi is a really pushy BEE EYE ITCH.

So pedophile Giles just lasso’d and hogtied a fucking guy? Where did you learn those smooth moves, Giles, PEDOPHILE SCHOOL???

Schpike loves Buffandra and Faif dumps on Boofie so Sbige and Phayth smack each other around. I like how this show teaches kids that you and your friends can punch each other in the face all day long and neither your face nor your hands will suffer any bruises or cuts. YEAH COOL LETS DO IT.

Then Giles murders the fuck out of some guy who has his tongue cut out and his eyes sewn shut and his liver removed and his bowels kicked in and his butt sawed off and his dongus splayed in twain. Well actually only those first two things. Reminds me of Robin’s song as he went to face the Black Knight in Holy Grail. YES MONTY PYTHON JOKES ARE STILL GOOD. NERDS RULE THE WORLD.

Hey Buffy! I can see your black bra through your white shirt! Not that I’m complaining.

Spycke and Buphie are having a long ass boring conversation about their feelings. Frig, get on with it already. I understand why this show has scenes like this, target audience, yadda yadda yadda, but this is some seriously sappy shit. Hey, dig my alliteration. Fuck yeah 9th Grade English class!

Now Faith and fake Principal Blackmon are having a long, boring ass conversation in a bedroom. Just skip to the boning already. Fuckin god damn.

If I were an actor, my sex scenes with Eliza Dukshu would go so smoothly. Instead of having an awkward, unweildy boner tripping us up the whole time, I’d be perfectly flaccid, because I would have came in my pants like 20 times already while walking to the set just thinking about the scene. It’s true, I am a generous lover.

Now Mexislaybie and Willow are talking and smooching in bed. I am not even listening anymore. Just get to the hot thesbian action.

And they finally get to some fighting. Two simultaneous fights, and theyre both pretty weak. One is a mass flashlight strobe party between the slaybies and eyes sewn shut robed cultists, and the other is a lamely choreographed Buffie v Awful Accent Nathan Fillyun. Need a bigger SFX budget, please.

And the episode ends with Buffy finding an ax (which I recognize from the last issue of the comic series Buffy, Season 8 - they did 40 issues of that bitch - during my trip to the comic store today, which proves that I am a complete and total loser) and the slaybies find a bomb with shit loads of dynamite and 8 seconds left on the clock. You know what would have been a more effective bomb? One that didn’t warn the people you were trying to blow up that they still had 8 seconds left to run away from the blast zone. Why would anyone ever put a big digital countdown clock right there on the front of their bomb? It makes no sense. But don’t ask me, it’s not like I’m some bomb expert or something. Also, glad to see they’re taking Stephen King’s and my advice to heart.

Man that was a really boring episode, but I assume that was to purposefully set up the final two. Still, this was more drowse inducing then all the Nyquil I’ve been chugging lately. So now bedtime for bonzo. Thanks for the extremely torpid 44 minutes, Buffy,

Buffy S7E19 Veiny Planks

In which Xander doesn’t think of it as loosing an eye, but gaining a house full of fawning, sympathetic, underage sluts.

It’s about time these Corkyromanodale jagovs realized that their town is a stupid place filled with rubber suited demons and quippy breakdance fighting vampiles and started getting the fuck out. It only took, what, 9000 murders? That’s a little more than it would take for me to move. White people left Newark when there were only, what, 2 murders a day? Proportionally Chloedale has to have that beat. So these racist honkies prefer demons to black people. Disgustipating.

Has Sarah Michelle Gellar started smoking? Her raspy voice sounds like Lindsey Lohan’s diseased colon felchted out a conversation. Also, Willow can do Jedi mind tricks now? These aren’t the droids you’re looking for. Move along. I have a dumb butt for a face and I drink my own pee. That last one is just what I would make people say if I had Jedi powers, if you couldn’t tell.

Is it me or is Mexican lesbian slaybie the best actor on this show now? My darling princess Eliza never did a very convincing tough girl, but her and Gellar are both decent enough where I don’t think it’s just her looking good in comparison.

Malcolm the preacher bad guy still does a fucking terrible hillbilly accent. He also has a Beiber doo. He does a good job fucking Buffandra the fuck up.

Wannabe Blink 182/Weezer band at the Bronzorz is easily not the worst band ever on this show, yet for some reason Dawng still calls them a sign of the impending apocalypse. The lead guitarist is also rocking the Zakk Wylde bullseye guitar, so thats bonus points for me. Hell thats an automatic passing grade from me. Shut the fuck up, DAWNG, you fuckin BEATCH.

Fathe and the slaybies just beat the shit out of a bunch of cops. I SMELL BACON.

Spike knows how to make a Bloomin Onion. EAT UP, BEATCH. I was actually never that big of a fan of the awesome blossom, or just onions in particular. Even onion rings. SHIT EVEN FUCKIN FUNYUNS. But french fries with mayo? FUCK YEAH BABY NOW THATS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. SHIT.

The slaybies and pedophile Giles and basically everyone is dumping all over Boofie. Plop plop plop plop.

This conversation is boring as fucking shit. Shut up you spastic bitches. All of you, shut your mouths, now.

That ending was a fucking snoozefest. And even though I would like to fall asleep right now I’m too bored to do so. SO BORED I CANT EVEN FUCKIN SLEEP. So Faith is in charge of the slaybie army and Buffy walks away crying. Any show that ends with someone slowly and tearfully walking away with sad music in the background is not for me. WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THAT ANYWAY. Also Xander’s line about Buffy’s point being over to the left because he can’t see it (BECAUSE HIS LEFT EYE WAS GOUGED OUT) is beyond awful. IT IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF AWFUL WHICH WOULD MAKE IT GOOD AGAIN YET IT STILL SUCKS. A paradox of quantum semantics.

Ok, 3 more episodes to go. Well shit in my soda we’re almost done.

Buffy S7E18 Turdy Girls

In which Faith comes back with the T&A that launched a thousand boners.

Normally I like to write these things while hyped up on coffee, despite probably sounding like a stupid drunk regardless of whether or not I’ve been boozing (though I won’t lie, I do like the sauce). Anyway, this time I took a plus sized dosage of nyquil to try to make sure I pass the fuck out and get rid of this god damn cold. So what I’m saying is this might suck even more than usual, which is saying a lot for the standards I usually keep.

Oh hey it’s fucking Malcolm friggin Reynolds from the ship the fuckin Serenity and that TV show, friggin Firefly. Good show. Don’t think it was necessarily spaz worthy but still good. Usually better than Buffandra.

Anyway, MalPal is an evil priest with a shitty redneck accent and he just murdered some ho with a super big knife. He said she was common street trash and deserved it though, and I’m inclined to believe him. It’s captain Malcolm Reynolds, after all.

Oh and fucking my lovely princess Eliza Dukshu is back in all her radiant beauty and phlegmatic nonchalance. I fell asleep during the last 15 minutes of the last episode so I may have missed the cliffhanger where she returns. They normally like to do that kind of shit. Fuckin hang a hot piece of ass right off a cliff there at the end. Holy shit she is a pretty lady.

Xander is totally haviing a wet dream right now. Que the akward wake up moment...well ok they just made it an obvious dream with the panty pillowfight and then he woke up. Then he declined to get out of bed and join the rest of the dork squad because he had a raging mega huge boner.

I’d like to dream about Eliza Dukshu and Eliza Cuthbert having a pillowfight in their panties tonight. Also Avril Lavigne. That new song of her’s is all right. What the hell. Thats the name of the song,

My fuckin shoulder hurts. Doesnt this bullshit Nyquil have Advil in it or something? LAME.

Faith and Spike fight because they each think the other one is bad, but they’ve both actually gone good now. Also pussy Angel has also gone from bad to good and back and forth a few times so I guess MAYBE ITS TIME TO USE A NEW GIMMICK IN YOUR FUCKING SHOWS MR WHEDON. JUST A SUGGESTION.

Oh wait its Elisha Cuthbert not Eliza. Whatever, still hot. Still want to see that hot girl on girl action.

Hey what got canceled first, this show or Firefly? Or Angel? Did they all end at the same time? I could look it up but what do I look like, some fuckin tv reporter?

Hey it’s fucking Spock. I think this Nyquil is finally kicking in.

Why is Spike laying on his cot, chained to it with all his clothes off, just siting and posing with his rippling muscles all bulging out and looking tough and badass and sexy? Wait, scratch that last one. But thats what the this show does. Show off hot vampire bod for all the little teenager whoors to get all hot and bothered about. And Faith is there to trade sexy banter with him. But it’s not sexy, its fucking retarded PG 13 overly cute and quippy nonsense. They sound dumb as hell. If some girl told me she wanted to get her “naughty on” I’d be like, quit babbling you stupid bitch. Hah, no I’d do whatever she wanted to get laid, but I’m just saying its a bad line.

Buffy needs to test the new slaybies out. Lucky for her, MalPal is here to be the Monster of the Week. No rubber suit though. He’s all tough guy and terrible accent.

Oh my god my nose is so fucking stuffed up. This blows. God damn you mucus and boogers. You fucking suck a thousands dicks straight to hell. Eat all the shit and die.

Then there’s a big fucking fight in the fucking wine cellar. What I would be like is all, Bam, pow, kick, glug glug glug punch, slam, chug chug chug slice, wham, belch, drunk, punch, fall down, piss pants, choke on vomit, expire. Yea, great fight by me.

Man how difficult most it be for the MalPal actor to pretend that he’s able to viciously savage all these 90 pound teenage girls in a fight. He kills two slaybies and sends a bunch more to the hospital. Then he gouges one of Xander’s eyes right now. Pretty solid butcher’s bill Mal Pal. This is a WOUND. THIS IS A KILL!

So only 4 more episodes to go and this guy is fucking everyone up like its fun to do. My guess is that this series will end with all of Sundaedale being murdered. That would be a great ending. Why not? the show’s over, who cares?

Buffy S7E17Fries Your Parents Sold Me

In which Nubian Prince Slayer Afro Queen and Robin’s mom is remembered fondly by her kid, even though she gave him a girls name.

God damn it, I didn’t write this one concomitant to viewing either. SHIT.

OK lets just go right to Wickermanpedia. Well this is as succinct a write up as I could ever come up with. Straight from the mouth of anonymous internet volunteers: “The gang investigates Spike's trigger; Principal Wood and Giles team up without Buffy.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself. Thanks Wackasspedia.

From what else I can tell, this was mostly about Spik remembering his stupid mother, who was a dirty, dirty, whore, and then a fight between Principal Blackmon and Mr. Spike. Spike wins, but he doesn’t kill the principal because the cockles of his no longer black heart have been stoked with a white hot burning passion which yearns for sexual congress with Bufrey Simbers. Without Biffy’s sweet sweet poonanny, Robin the freelance demon stonker would surely be motherfucked straight to hell.

I think that’s it. Also Dances with Wolfs is a pretty decent movie. And great shots of the American frontier. Real beautiful country. Great job with that manifest destiny thing, 19th century Americans. You real went and got that shit. WHAT THE WHITE MAN WANTS, THE WHITE MAN GETS.

Also good to see a young and totally bonable President Rosyln as the spunky adopted white girl, Kicking Bird. Or as she says it: Kig Ink Buuurd. Oh no wait her name is Stands with Fist. Whatever. And obviously John Dumb Bear owns. Although he’s a little too naked too often for my tastes.

Fuck I want to go hunt some fucking bison! Maybe I can find some noble dirt worshipping indigenous savages to teach me!