Buffy S7E15 Get that Pud

In which Buffy trips balls with some mystical aboriginal dudes of the African lands.

The dorks open a portal to the olden days with some magical sundial and the Buffy learns that the very first slayer was created by some ancient African geezers. Then she tells them to all go fuck off. Then Willow does some fucking magic and Spike beats up a fucking demon and theyre all stlll going to fucking die in a hell storm of hell fire from hell. Hell hath no fury like hell, you know.

After looking it up on Whoopedia, thats most of it again. This is an origin episode where the writer’s finally get off their lazy duffs and get around to explaining why the fuck slayers exist and all the other raison detrees for the whole series. Something about voodoo and taking some evil and putting it in little girls to help fight evil. I dunno, all sounds like more not so subtle pedophilic overtones if you axe me.

And while Buffylo 66 explains everything with expository scenes and ooga booga campfire dances, a demon is also on the loose to give the show the minimum required fight scenes per episode. And S-club Pike saves the day! Hooray for tenderhearted vampiles and their good will toward huge manatees!

And there’s a bad ass scene where one of the slaybies calls it a life and hangs herself in the bedroom. Come on, slaybie! Pull! Pull! You mean to tell me you can’t do one single neck pull up? You are a worthless piece of shit, recruit! Get outta my face!

That’s about all I can think to talk about. Plus my caffeine buzz is wearing off. It’s also Saturday afternoon so I’ll probably just start drinking. Hey look, Dances with Wolves is on Epix. Nice. John Dumb Bear is a true American hero. Ta fucking Tonka motherfuckers.

Buffy S7E14 First Date Rape

In which all the team dork squad detectives learn the delightful pleasures of rohypnol, GHB and ketamine, and a fun time was had by pals.

Everyone goes on shitty dates. Buffy and fake principal Onyx Blackmon reveal secrets to each other. Also Spike killed Blackmon’s mom, who was once a slayer, way back in the swingin disco days.

That’s the shit I remembered without looking at wikipedia. Now let’s see what the free online ensucklopeepeeah has to say about episode Forteenbras.

Yeah not much else. I think that just about covers it. So while I have some space to fill and am still sufficiently caffeinated from this morning, I want to talk about another second tier network tv show that also stars an adorable, diminuative, blond, wisecracking, teenage mystery solver, Nervonica Marsh. I mean Veronica Mars.

This show came on right after Buffylo Bills went off the air, and it’s pretty clearly superior in just about every way. I’m only 1.5 episodes into Mars, but just by glancing at the list of songs used in the pilot makes it obvious. Buffandra’s song selection is reliably shitty. Beyond shit. It’s pure fucking ass. Meanwhile, allow me to just name a few of the artists featured in the first episode of Harmonica Bars: Air, The Dandy Warholds, Gandmaster Flash (specifically his classic track, White Lies), Death in Vegas, The Streets, Blue Oyster Cult’s Don’t Fear that Fuggin Reaper. And that’s just the awesome shit that I ken from my limited scope of dope musical acts.

Then there’s the fact that the show was created in written by Rob (not that one) Thomas. The guy who created Party Down, easily one of the best half hour comedies ever. If you have Netflix and you haven’t devoured the much too brief two seasons of that show (it’s less than 10 total hours for frig’s sake) then you basically hate having fun and don’t like being entertained.

But whatever, you do what you want with you life.

I could go on, but this is ostensibly a blog about the goings and cummings of the residents of Sanctumsanctorumdale, and not the Rob (Fuck Matchbox Fuckin Twenty) Thomas fanclub blog.

Let’s see what the fuck I remember from next episode!

Buffy S7E13 The Boner up in My Guts

In which Buffy finally thinks to call her ex-boyfriend, who works for the government and their elite, highly trained and futuristically equipped crack division of demon killers, to help her fight the demons that are about to fuck Sorghumdale straight to hell. Well what the hell took you so long, bitch?

I swear I had been wondering why the hell Buffy hadn’t thought to ask whatshisface and the Initiative for help with the impending hell on earth thing about to happen. They spent a whole terrible season ruining all the momentum from a pretty decent 3rd season trying to expand the Buffandraverse into new, governmental conspiracy territory and failing. Try as they might, they had to acknowledge its existence, and so they do, but it turns out the Initiative abandoned Sortiedale and they don’t get involved. How convenient, writers.

Also the dead spirit of Warren, or this Fooshman character, I forget, posses Willow and even makes her look like her. Basically so they could bring that actor back for an episode after killing him last season. They do that a lot on Buffy. Work backwards from an idea. Like, they say, hey, lets have these two characters switch places because it would be funny, and they concoct some wack magical reason for it to happen. Then a writer will ask the obvious, well why don’t they just magic back to normal when they do this. And then some other writer will say, um, because of this OTHER magical made up reason.

I’m not saying you get make shit up as you go when you’re doing a show about a teenaged blond goblin killer and her merry band of mystical doofuses, I’m just saying there are less hacky ways to go about things.

Oh, look mister high and mighty nit picker supreme, passing judgment on a low rated network show for high school kids. I must be mister perfect to be making such critical assessments of a fun show beloved by legions of rabid fans. Well, yes, I guess I am. Thank you.

Probably I shouldn’t watch this show or write these things up after watching Breaking Bad, a show that is innovative, gripping, profound, hilarious and nearly flawless in every way. A true masterpiece. Where once there was just the Sopranos, the Wire and Deadwood, now a newcomer to this pantheon of serial televised titans. A collection of worthies unparalleled in excellence and entertainment. If these shows had dongs, I’d slobber every last one of them. I would, however, draw the line at allowing these shows to slowly yet forcefully enter me from behind.

Huh? What the shit am I going on about? Anyhow, Giles also leads a tribe of Slaybies out into the desert because they don’t want to pay all those actresses to be in every episode. Man, this guy Giles is just begging to have a Chris Hansen led intervention. Getting rid of the other slaybies frees rad lesbian slaybie Kennedy, the best of all the MTV VJs, to get Wilload back on the clam train, and now the show has lesbians again. Nice.

Buffy S7E12 Poop Ten Shells

In which I watched a whole bunch of Buffy’s without simultaneously writing them up so now I have to do them all from memory and wikipedia so expect these to all suck and not include any details because I am supremely lazy and I spent last week hunting and slaughtering a whale with my bare hands and I have the photographic evidence to prove it.

I must have missed the part where they explain why there are ass loads of Slayer babies, or slabies, as I so cleverly call them, popping out of the stucco. But anyway, now Buffy and team dork squad are out looking for the newest Potential, as the show so lamely calls the slaybies. They think Dawng is a slaybie, but then she is not. Then the episode ends.

Hey I told you these would be sucky. Lets see what wikipedia sez.

The cold opening makes it look like Spike is hunting and killing the slaybies, but really he’s just training them. What a swell twist, I was totally thinking things were a certain way, but then it turns out they were a very different way. Super job, tv show!

There’s also a Beetlejuice homage in the middle of the show. Who doesn’t love that movie? Beetlejuice is the tits. I even watched the miserable Saturday morning cartoon they made. I didn’t give a shit, I was seven. And how badly did I want to have sex with Winona Ryder? I didn’t even know what sex was, but I still knew I wanted to have it with Lydia. I’ll save you from the soul crushing ennui of banal country life my buttercup. Just let me regale you with wanton tales of the Gummi Bears and Fraggle Rock to remind you of your blissful former life in the big city. Then we can be together forever and listen to Harry Belefonte and his rockin Calypso beats until the end of our lives. That was my plan anyway.

And then at then end of the episode Xander tells Dawn not to be so sad that all the other girls have gotten their periods and adult sized knockers and slayer powers and not her, because he’s a pathetic nobody with no skills, ability or knowledge and people hate him but that’s life, you just have to suck it up and wait for death’s sweet embrace. Sound advice if I’ve heard any.

Buffy S7E11 Plowtime

In which Buffy’s slut army whines so much that I have to whine about their whining.

Live, direct from hellmouth, it’s Buffy and her slut army. I bet that main bad guy is just peeing in his pants thinking about all the damage the horde of slayerettes are going to do to him. Holy crap, run for your life, it’s a bunch of teenage girls. They are probably going to text him to death. That’s what girls do these days right? Texting and shit? With their cellular telephones?

This one southern baby slayer has a terrible accent. Ah don wan ta keel a vampah. Ah don wan ta dah. Ah don wan YER LAHF. Oh shut up you dumb twat.

So this vampire thats killing all these noob slayers is a “special” vampire? Like, a duh, special? Has untimed SATs special? Haha, fucking retard vampire. Shut up TARD.

Gelatinous glob of caged eyes from a demon dimension is pretty all right. I think I’d rather hang out with the eyeball demon than the table full of screaming slayer bitches. Oh boo hoo, evil monsters are trying to kill you and Buffy is trying to protect you but you’re all still complaining, like they have better options. God there must be so much PMS all over that house. SHUT IT BITCHES.

I hope Rona dies next. She’s totally annoying. Lil lesbo future slayer seems to be able to handle her shit though. I bet she can’t wait to mash her gash up against Willow’s, who is being a massive cunt whose too afraid to use her awesome magical powers to stop this monster from slitting little slits’ throats. Pretty selfish of you, Wilload.

Pedophile Giles explains to Anya that Buffy being alive is why the Evil Foosh is trying to fuck so much shit up. Anya postulates that everyone would be better of if Buffy stayed dead. Kind of a reverse It’s a Wonderful Life deal.

Holy fucking shit, do these ho bags ever shut up? Stop it! Stop your whining!

Oh boy, Buffy and that Neanderthal vampire are break dance fighting. I sure hope no one dies in a freak gasoline accident.

Man, great telepathy joke. You don’t see much teep humor on tv these days.

Then Buffy rips that nasty motherfucker’s head right the fuck off. So long motherfucker. I’ll see you in hell. I’ll see all of you in hell.

Buffy S7E10 Bring on the Nips

In which Buffy’s sliding in to first and she feels something burst, diarrhea, cha cha cha.

The main villain is some cult or guy or whatever called The First. The primordial evil. Sure, sounds fine just fine. The only problem I have is this guy I new in middle school named Fuerstman, pronounced like firstman, and this other guy I knew, Marshak, who called him Fooshman, and it cracked me up. Now that’s what I think about when they mention this guy, the first. More like, the foosh.

Another great story from me.

Oh yeah, they mention in this episode the funny line I forgot from last episode. How Buffy was oozing on both ends. Puking and shitting at the same time. Haha. That happened to a friend of mine once, after a fateful visit to a restaurant in college called Don Tequila. That’s pretty much a guarantee after going to a place named Don Tequila. What are you thinking?

Speaking of call backs to earlier episodes, it’s finally revealed that Giles didn’t die. He shows up with 3 new proto-slayers. Moving down to preteens, well, what to confirm our suspicions you inveterate degenerate.

The estrogen levels at Manse Buffay have got to be through the roof. Buffy, Dawng, Wilload, and now 3 more teenage girl slayers. Like a regular brothel they’re running. An illegal underage brothel. A illegal underage SEXY brothel.

Hey Giles, I hope you’re not implying that Neanderthals are evolutionary predecessors to homo sapiens, because you’d be wrong as fuck if you are.

Aw, one of the mini layers is already dead. And before pedophile Giles even had a chance to defile her.

Buffy also gets her ass kicked. Well, guess we’re fucked, might as well just let the bad guys win. Because they’re dealing with pure evil. The First. The first is the worst. The second is the best. The third is the one with the hairy chest. But nope, no capitulation from Generalissimo Buffy, because she’s forming an evil fighting army of nubile young women. Release the sluts of war!

Buffy S7E9 Never Blumpkin Me

In which I do some laundry while watching this episode. No tickee, no landry.

There was a funny line in the beginning of this episode but I forgot it while finishing this load of laundry. Great story, right?

Haha, “load”.

Wilload finds the one remaining evil nerd geek whose not dead and brings him back to the teenage squad of dorks. Then Anyah and Xandur interrogate him Jack Bauer style. Huuurrr, you’re going to tell me who’s trying to kill the president or I’m going to growl in your face some more. Huuuuur, then you, and me, Jack Bauer, are going to take a hot shower. Jack Bauer, hot shower! Jack Bauer, hot shower! Jack Bauer ok you get the joke now.

Spike is still turning into an evil jagov, so that’s a problem for everyone. And I still have more laundry to do and it’s getting late, which is a problem for me. Buffy doesn’t kill Spike, though, because she says she saw his penis. No, she says she saw his penance, but it sounds like penis, or at least penes.

The charming black principal finds a dead body in his high school basement so he picks it up and drives it out to an old oil derrick and buries it in an unmarked grave. I sure hope there’s more to that scene and that character because that is more than just a little weird.

Also the society of elderly pedophile watchers is an evil organization and want to locate Giles so they can murder him. That happened earlier and I just remembered it. Oh wait, no they aren’t. I’m learning now that they are just fucking dicks.

And then some new bad guy shows up.Or something. You know I’ll be honest, the laundry has been really distracting me so this will obviously not be my best write up. That’s just laundry’s pernicious influence at work. God damned evil laundry.