Buffy S7E18 Turdy Girls

In which Faith comes back with the T&A that launched a thousand boners.

Normally I like to write these things while hyped up on coffee, despite probably sounding like a stupid drunk regardless of whether or not I’ve been boozing (though I won’t lie, I do like the sauce). Anyway, this time I took a plus sized dosage of nyquil to try to make sure I pass the fuck out and get rid of this god damn cold. So what I’m saying is this might suck even more than usual, which is saying a lot for the standards I usually keep.

Oh hey it’s fucking Malcolm friggin Reynolds from the ship the fuckin Serenity and that TV show, friggin Firefly. Good show. Don’t think it was necessarily spaz worthy but still good. Usually better than Buffandra.

Anyway, MalPal is an evil priest with a shitty redneck accent and he just murdered some ho with a super big knife. He said she was common street trash and deserved it though, and I’m inclined to believe him. It’s captain Malcolm Reynolds, after all.

Oh and fucking my lovely princess Eliza Dukshu is back in all her radiant beauty and phlegmatic nonchalance. I fell asleep during the last 15 minutes of the last episode so I may have missed the cliffhanger where she returns. They normally like to do that kind of shit. Fuckin hang a hot piece of ass right off a cliff there at the end. Holy shit she is a pretty lady.

Xander is totally haviing a wet dream right now. Que the akward wake up moment...well ok they just made it an obvious dream with the panty pillowfight and then he woke up. Then he declined to get out of bed and join the rest of the dork squad because he had a raging mega huge boner.

I’d like to dream about Eliza Dukshu and Eliza Cuthbert having a pillowfight in their panties tonight. Also Avril Lavigne. That new song of her’s is all right. What the hell. Thats the name of the song,

My fuckin shoulder hurts. Doesnt this bullshit Nyquil have Advil in it or something? LAME.

Faith and Spike fight because they each think the other one is bad, but they’ve both actually gone good now. Also pussy Angel has also gone from bad to good and back and forth a few times so I guess MAYBE ITS TIME TO USE A NEW GIMMICK IN YOUR FUCKING SHOWS MR WHEDON. JUST A SUGGESTION.

Oh wait its Elisha Cuthbert not Eliza. Whatever, still hot. Still want to see that hot girl on girl action.

Hey what got canceled first, this show or Firefly? Or Angel? Did they all end at the same time? I could look it up but what do I look like, some fuckin tv reporter?

Hey it’s fucking Spock. I think this Nyquil is finally kicking in.

Why is Spike laying on his cot, chained to it with all his clothes off, just siting and posing with his rippling muscles all bulging out and looking tough and badass and sexy? Wait, scratch that last one. But thats what the this show does. Show off hot vampire bod for all the little teenager whoors to get all hot and bothered about. And Faith is there to trade sexy banter with him. But it’s not sexy, its fucking retarded PG 13 overly cute and quippy nonsense. They sound dumb as hell. If some girl told me she wanted to get her “naughty on” I’d be like, quit babbling you stupid bitch. Hah, no I’d do whatever she wanted to get laid, but I’m just saying its a bad line.

Buffy needs to test the new slaybies out. Lucky for her, MalPal is here to be the Monster of the Week. No rubber suit though. He’s all tough guy and terrible accent.

Oh my god my nose is so fucking stuffed up. This blows. God damn you mucus and boogers. You fucking suck a thousands dicks straight to hell. Eat all the shit and die.

Then there’s a big fucking fight in the fucking wine cellar. What I would be like is all, Bam, pow, kick, glug glug glug punch, slam, chug chug chug slice, wham, belch, drunk, punch, fall down, piss pants, choke on vomit, expire. Yea, great fight by me.

Man how difficult most it be for the MalPal actor to pretend that he’s able to viciously savage all these 90 pound teenage girls in a fight. He kills two slaybies and sends a bunch more to the hospital. Then he gouges one of Xander’s eyes right now. Pretty solid butcher’s bill Mal Pal. This is a WOUND. THIS IS A KILL!

So only 4 more episodes to go and this guy is fucking everyone up like its fun to do. My guess is that this series will end with all of Sundaedale being murdered. That would be a great ending. Why not? the show’s over, who cares?

Buffy S7E17Fries Your Parents Sold Me

In which Nubian Prince Slayer Afro Queen and Robin’s mom is remembered fondly by her kid, even though she gave him a girls name.

God damn it, I didn’t write this one concomitant to viewing either. SHIT.

OK lets just go right to Wickermanpedia. Well this is as succinct a write up as I could ever come up with. Straight from the mouth of anonymous internet volunteers: “The gang investigates Spike's trigger; Principal Wood and Giles team up without Buffy.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself. Thanks Wackasspedia.

From what else I can tell, this was mostly about Spik remembering his stupid mother, who was a dirty, dirty, whore, and then a fight between Principal Blackmon and Mr. Spike. Spike wins, but he doesn’t kill the principal because the cockles of his no longer black heart have been stoked with a white hot burning passion which yearns for sexual congress with Bufrey Simbers. Without Biffy’s sweet sweet poonanny, Robin the freelance demon stonker would surely be motherfucked straight to hell.

I think that’s it. Also Dances with Wolfs is a pretty decent movie. And great shots of the American frontier. Real beautiful country. Great job with that manifest destiny thing, 19th century Americans. You real went and got that shit. WHAT THE WHITE MAN WANTS, THE WHITE MAN GETS.

Also good to see a young and totally bonable President Rosyln as the spunky adopted white girl, Kicking Bird. Or as she says it: Kig Ink Buuurd. Oh no wait her name is Stands with Fist. Whatever. And obviously John Dumb Bear owns. Although he’s a little too naked too often for my tastes.

Fuck I want to go hunt some fucking bison! Maybe I can find some noble dirt worshipping indigenous savages to teach me!

Buffy S7E16 Orgysmellers

In which that twerp better get that camera out of Frank Castle’s face before he makes him eat it.

Is this whole episode going to be narrated by this chode? The former evil geekwad Andrew? Hah, no, Anya interrupts Anjru as he narrates into a hand held camera in the bathroom, pretending like he’s on some master’s piece theatre. Then Anya asks why doesn’t he spend all his time in the toilet pleasuring himself like everyone else does. Haha, that made me laugh. Also the thought of Anya diddling her twat in the bathroom is incredibly sexy. Anya, if you need any extra fingers in there, just let me know. I think I need to go spend some time in the bathroom myself now.

Bitches love cereal. This is a fact according the Buffandra Show.

I forgot how gnarly Dark Wilload’s varicose veins were. Don’t they have a cream for that? Unless she wants to become an elementary school teacher, in which case she should keep them, as I’m pretty sure they’re a prerequisite for employment.

Haha, fake principal Blackmon has a “flesh” colored band aid on his head. Try again, Band-Aid™.

Wacky shit is going on in Countrytime High School, just like the first 3 seasons, except all at once. One kid even explodes. I mean literally. Kaboom. Now he’s all Huey Louie and the Gooey Kablewie. Remember that one from Calvin and Hobbes? I thought of it probably because they slaybies were eating a box of Sugar Bombs. Why they weren’t of the chocolate frosted variety is unknown.

The whole former evil geekwad as unreliable narrator/mockumentarian works pretty well. I’m enjoying a greater percentage of the show than usual anyway. The cutaway gags aren’t as good as Family Guy or 30 Rock (at least when those shows are clicking) or even Scrubs, but it’s still all right.

Condordael High is doing a very convincing impersonation of Eastside High. Where is Crazy Joe Clark when you need him? Sams! Sams!

When is stabbing a guy to death not murder? When you’re just trying to scratch his back from the front. Hey, another decent line. Another point for the Buffandra Show writers! Huzzah!

Only the tears of a frightened former evil geekwad can slow down the Hellmouth, so Buffy pretends she is going to stab asshole Andre with a knife so he’ll cry on the seal and close it up. Me, I would have required the piss of a terrified spaz to get the job done, and then held a phone book to his chest and shot him with a low powered hand gun in order to get the water works flowing. Seriously, this show just does not have enough piss in. Not by a long shot.

Buffy S7E15 Get that Pud

In which Buffy trips balls with some mystical aboriginal dudes of the African lands.

The dorks open a portal to the olden days with some magical sundial and the Buffy learns that the very first slayer was created by some ancient African geezers. Then she tells them to all go fuck off. Then Willow does some fucking magic and Spike beats up a fucking demon and theyre all stlll going to fucking die in a hell storm of hell fire from hell. Hell hath no fury like hell, you know.

After looking it up on Whoopedia, thats most of it again. This is an origin episode where the writer’s finally get off their lazy duffs and get around to explaining why the fuck slayers exist and all the other raison detrees for the whole series. Something about voodoo and taking some evil and putting it in little girls to help fight evil. I dunno, all sounds like more not so subtle pedophilic overtones if you axe me.

And while Buffylo 66 explains everything with expository scenes and ooga booga campfire dances, a demon is also on the loose to give the show the minimum required fight scenes per episode. And S-club Pike saves the day! Hooray for tenderhearted vampiles and their good will toward huge manatees!

And there’s a bad ass scene where one of the slaybies calls it a life and hangs herself in the bedroom. Come on, slaybie! Pull! Pull! You mean to tell me you can’t do one single neck pull up? You are a worthless piece of shit, recruit! Get outta my face!

That’s about all I can think to talk about. Plus my caffeine buzz is wearing off. It’s also Saturday afternoon so I’ll probably just start drinking. Hey look, Dances with Wolves is on Epix. Nice. John Dumb Bear is a true American hero. Ta fucking Tonka motherfuckers.

Buffy S7E14 First Date Rape

In which all the team dork squad detectives learn the delightful pleasures of rohypnol, GHB and ketamine, and a fun time was had by pals.

Everyone goes on shitty dates. Buffy and fake principal Onyx Blackmon reveal secrets to each other. Also Spike killed Blackmon’s mom, who was once a slayer, way back in the swingin disco days.

That’s the shit I remembered without looking at wikipedia. Now let’s see what the free online ensucklopeepeeah has to say about episode Forteenbras.

Yeah not much else. I think that just about covers it. So while I have some space to fill and am still sufficiently caffeinated from this morning, I want to talk about another second tier network tv show that also stars an adorable, diminuative, blond, wisecracking, teenage mystery solver, Nervonica Marsh. I mean Veronica Mars.

This show came on right after Buffylo Bills went off the air, and it’s pretty clearly superior in just about every way. I’m only 1.5 episodes into Mars, but just by glancing at the list of songs used in the pilot makes it obvious. Buffandra’s song selection is reliably shitty. Beyond shit. It’s pure fucking ass. Meanwhile, allow me to just name a few of the artists featured in the first episode of Harmonica Bars: Air, The Dandy Warholds, Gandmaster Flash (specifically his classic track, White Lies), Death in Vegas, The Streets, Blue Oyster Cult’s Don’t Fear that Fuggin Reaper. And that’s just the awesome shit that I ken from my limited scope of dope musical acts.

Then there’s the fact that the show was created in written by Rob (not that one) Thomas. The guy who created Party Down, easily one of the best half hour comedies ever. If you have Netflix and you haven’t devoured the much too brief two seasons of that show (it’s less than 10 total hours for frig’s sake) then you basically hate having fun and don’t like being entertained.

But whatever, you do what you want with you life.

I could go on, but this is ostensibly a blog about the goings and cummings of the residents of Sanctumsanctorumdale, and not the Rob (Fuck Matchbox Fuckin Twenty) Thomas fanclub blog.

Let’s see what the fuck I remember from next episode!

Buffy S7E13 The Boner up in My Guts

In which Buffy finally thinks to call her ex-boyfriend, who works for the government and their elite, highly trained and futuristically equipped crack division of demon killers, to help her fight the demons that are about to fuck Sorghumdale straight to hell. Well what the hell took you so long, bitch?

I swear I had been wondering why the hell Buffy hadn’t thought to ask whatshisface and the Initiative for help with the impending hell on earth thing about to happen. They spent a whole terrible season ruining all the momentum from a pretty decent 3rd season trying to expand the Buffandraverse into new, governmental conspiracy territory and failing. Try as they might, they had to acknowledge its existence, and so they do, but it turns out the Initiative abandoned Sortiedale and they don’t get involved. How convenient, writers.

Also the dead spirit of Warren, or this Fooshman character, I forget, posses Willow and even makes her look like her. Basically so they could bring that actor back for an episode after killing him last season. They do that a lot on Buffy. Work backwards from an idea. Like, they say, hey, lets have these two characters switch places because it would be funny, and they concoct some wack magical reason for it to happen. Then a writer will ask the obvious, well why don’t they just magic back to normal when they do this. And then some other writer will say, um, because of this OTHER magical made up reason.

I’m not saying you get make shit up as you go when you’re doing a show about a teenaged blond goblin killer and her merry band of mystical doofuses, I’m just saying there are less hacky ways to go about things.

Oh, look mister high and mighty nit picker supreme, passing judgment on a low rated network show for high school kids. I must be mister perfect to be making such critical assessments of a fun show beloved by legions of rabid fans. Well, yes, I guess I am. Thank you.

Probably I shouldn’t watch this show or write these things up after watching Breaking Bad, a show that is innovative, gripping, profound, hilarious and nearly flawless in every way. A true masterpiece. Where once there was just the Sopranos, the Wire and Deadwood, now a newcomer to this pantheon of serial televised titans. A collection of worthies unparalleled in excellence and entertainment. If these shows had dongs, I’d slobber every last one of them. I would, however, draw the line at allowing these shows to slowly yet forcefully enter me from behind.

Huh? What the shit am I going on about? Anyhow, Giles also leads a tribe of Slaybies out into the desert because they don’t want to pay all those actresses to be in every episode. Man, this guy Giles is just begging to have a Chris Hansen led intervention. Getting rid of the other slaybies frees rad lesbian slaybie Kennedy, the best of all the MTV VJs, to get Wilload back on the clam train, and now the show has lesbians again. Nice.

Buffy S7E12 Poop Ten Shells

In which I watched a whole bunch of Buffy’s without simultaneously writing them up so now I have to do them all from memory and wikipedia so expect these to all suck and not include any details because I am supremely lazy and I spent last week hunting and slaughtering a whale with my bare hands and I have the photographic evidence to prove it.

I must have missed the part where they explain why there are ass loads of Slayer babies, or slabies, as I so cleverly call them, popping out of the stucco. But anyway, now Buffy and team dork squad are out looking for the newest Potential, as the show so lamely calls the slaybies. They think Dawng is a slaybie, but then she is not. Then the episode ends.

Hey I told you these would be sucky. Lets see what wikipedia sez.

The cold opening makes it look like Spike is hunting and killing the slaybies, but really he’s just training them. What a swell twist, I was totally thinking things were a certain way, but then it turns out they were a very different way. Super job, tv show!

There’s also a Beetlejuice homage in the middle of the show. Who doesn’t love that movie? Beetlejuice is the tits. I even watched the miserable Saturday morning cartoon they made. I didn’t give a shit, I was seven. And how badly did I want to have sex with Winona Ryder? I didn’t even know what sex was, but I still knew I wanted to have it with Lydia. I’ll save you from the soul crushing ennui of banal country life my buttercup. Just let me regale you with wanton tales of the Gummi Bears and Fraggle Rock to remind you of your blissful former life in the big city. Then we can be together forever and listen to Harry Belefonte and his rockin Calypso beats until the end of our lives. That was my plan anyway.

And then at then end of the episode Xander tells Dawn not to be so sad that all the other girls have gotten their periods and adult sized knockers and slayer powers and not her, because he’s a pathetic nobody with no skills, ability or knowledge and people hate him but that’s life, you just have to suck it up and wait for death’s sweet embrace. Sound advice if I’ve heard any.