Buffy S7E8 Sleepenis

In which I don’t want to but I’m going to finish this last burrito from Taco Bell because if I don’t eat it THEN THE FOOD WINS.

Even the characters of the show use the “big bad” terminology. Lame. Whats not lame is Anya is back and her pokies are looking great. Say is there a nip in the air there Anya?

This whole episode is about finding out if Spike has gone bad again. So lets follow him to the fucking Bronze as yet another terrible fucking band is playing. God damn it that is a horrible idea.

Holy shit this episode is boring. It’s putting me to sleep. Booooooooo. I’m too tired to write anything. They just need to shut up and get this over with so I can watch a federal law man in Kentucky, the story of Raylen Given and his super hot ex-wife Winona, the woman with the perkiest breasts in the history of the world.

Also entering the records books is Spike, who gets his name etched in after Biggest Pussy in the Universe.

And someone is killing pedophilic watchers over in jolly old Angaland. Oh no Giles watch out for the axe its totally coming to chop your head smooth off! Wow, what a cliffhanger. I guess Giles is dead forever. Or is he? I’m not finding out until after an all new Justified, that is for sure.

Buffy S7E7 Concerned Asians with Red Peeholes

In which oh god this song is setting a new low in awfulness jesus christ enough already. Fucking stop, please.

Why would you purposely put such a terrible song in a tv show? I don’t understand how that decision is made. Also, who was demanding those two wiener kid nerd villains be in another episode. So they went to Mexico? Great, they should stay there. Or maybe they should get a horse and go climb up in them mountains and stop bothering everybody.

As you could get from the title (the real title), a bunch of people talk to dead people. The 3rd chief wiener kid nerd villain comes back to talk to his former flunkies, Buffy spills her guts to a vampire psyche major, Willow’s lesbian witch girlfriend speaks through a medium (who is also dead) and tells Willow how much she misses their fun lesbian witch times together, and Mrs Summers drags her dead ass out of heaven and spookily haunts Dawn.

Buffy reveals to the prickish vampire college student and tae kwon do enthusiast that she has problems maintaining meaningful relationships with people because she has a superiority complex, which I’d imagine is not unusual for people with super powers. Don also does a thoroughly efficient job trashing her house. That place is wrecked.

And probably the world is going to end and all our heroes are going to get their asses handed to them at armageddongotterdammerrungragnarok. Or will they? Wait, I mean, or won’t they? All I’ll say is if they keep subjecting me to this ass music I’ll be looking for an early exit out of this life.

Buffy S7E6 Trim

In which I finally learn why Spike was living in Xander’s apartment because I accidentally skipped over this episode and watched the two ahead of it.

The idea of Spike shacking up with Xander looks even stupider in hindsight because he immediately starts murdering people in the next episode. What dummies. Just kill this dumb vampire already.

Oh what fun, Don has a raging mega huge boner on some football man. I wouldn’t know anything about that, even though I was one of the captains of my high school football team. But football players didn’t get all the chicks in my lame ass town, mostly just the rich guys and the guys that weren’t rich but just didn’t give a motherfuck so they looked real cool. But back in Cuticledale High anyway, Dawm tries out for the cheerleading squad to get closer to her dream guy and proceeds to make a total ass out of herself. Although I’m pretty sure that’s not how cheerleading try outs happen, in the gym in front of most of the football team where potential cheerleaders are given no direction whatsoever.

But then Dawb goes completely berserk and pushes some dude down a flight of stairs. Enjoy your trip jagov? See you next fall, RETARD.

This football player has a magical varsity jackets that cause women to uncontrollably slut out like a bunch of crazed whores unable to control their nymphomanical urges. Just like Willie Beamon, the magic letter jacket keeps the women creamin.

This football player, RJ, and his magical jacket, are so powerful that he actually manages to push it right up in Buffy. Like she’s totally riding the crap out of his teenage schlong, cowgirl style. How dare you R.J., steal my precious little snowflake Buffy away from me. Don’t you know that we’re in love? Fuckface?

This episode would be a lot funnier and charming if this dude didn’t rape the main character of the show. Of course, if a strong, independent modern woman wants to throw her pussy around like free orange chicken samples at Panda Express, who am I to judge? I’m a modern man of the new millennium, go nuts, you great big slut.

Then Dawng (I can’t believe I didn’t think of that one earlier) decides to go lay down on some train tracks and kill herself because she’ll never have RJ, a scene that is bookended by two slapstick comedy pieces. Jeez this episode is all over the place tonally. Fine by me, though.

So a laughed a few times, including at Sarah Micchelle Gellar, who still looks like a giant geeky spaz when she runs, so this one earns a passing mark. Now, to fuckin FINALLY find out if fuckin Giles gets his fuckin head chopped the fuck off!

Buffy S7E5 Shelf Tits

In which Anya shows off her most impressive asset: her lovely, well rounded, sculpted, voluptuous, beautiful bouncing voice.

How am I going to type up this Buffandra episode and eat Taco Bell at the same time? Messily. But still, check me out, MULTITASKING.

Wait did I already see this episode. Fuck I did. I must of been drunk. So here’s what I remember as the stupid opening credits songs annoys me: Anya completely flips out and starts killing the dick out of all sorts of people. She’s using REAL ULTIMATE POWER.

It also brings back Anya’s old boyfriend, Kubiak, from Park Lewis Can’t Lose, in flashbacks to the time of primitive Russian peasants speaking fake primitive Russian back when they were both humans and talking about trolls and goblins and shit. The film is also artificially changed to make it look like it came from the 1920s.

Then Spike does his best Officer and a Gentleman impression and bleats “BUT I GOT NO PLACE ELSE TO GO FUCK MYSELF.”

Then Willow catches Anya during her walk of shame out of the frat house full of dead guys. So big deal. ANYA CAN DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS? YOU HEAR ME? Like anyone will miss those douche bags from Gamma Kappa Tau anyway. More like Gamma Crappa Tau, amirite?

Some more origin crap about Anya and the demon and some big nasty CGI spider (I’m skipping over some shit so I can get through another episode and then go watch Raylan Givens FUCK SHIT UP in Harlan County, Kentucky.) Blah blah blah, Anya how could you, now I have to kill you because I’m the Slayer, blah blah blah Xander chews cock, bloppy bloo blee.

There’s some fighting and shit and Anya sings a song and then she and Xander both walk away from each other all sad like. Not quite sure what happened at the end, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out during next episode. So I’m clicking that next button and finding out right now.

Buffy S7E4 Helpenis

In which counselor Buffy is in session and she says “show me your nuts” and the students oblige by acting totally crazy. Get it?

Hey isn’t that student that comes in to see Buffy one of the kids from Home Improvement? I totally bet he is. I’m going to go look that shit up cause I so know I am right. Ah yeah, that’s right, Brad Taylor. I nailed that one. OH FUCK YEAH THIS IS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY FUCKING LIFE.

This new principal has a very well manicured look. Shaved bald, neatly trimmed goatee, one small gold hoop earring in each ear. Yep, he looks like a regular old smooth black dildo all right.

This weird new girl who can see in to the future is reading Vonnegut. I feel like I should read more of his books. I read Breakfast of Champions. That was awesome. He drew a big asterisk in the book and said it was a picture of an asshole. That was in there. I also saw him speak live when he came to my college. Wow, neat, huh? So maybe I’ll read more of his shit, or maybe I’ll keep watching shit on fuckin Netflix. My life is just full of fascinating mysteries.

Willow is using Google. Well, welcome to the 21st fuckin century, BEATCH, so nice of you to fuckin join the rest of us, FUGGIN BEATCH.

Some really terrible angsty teenage poetry in this episode.Truly wretched.

Ha ho, SLAM. Tim the tool man Taylor’s kid just totally faced Buffy’s sister Dawn. FUCKIN IN YOUR FACE BEATCH. Brad Taylor is also a red robbed cult leader and he’s going to make a human sacrifice out of the weird precognitive girl, Cassie. Well at least he’s showing initiative in something.

Buffy doesn’t know shit about heavy metal. Blue Clam Cult? You sound like an asshole. Despite not knowing shit about dick, Buffy is still able to save the day and kill the rubber suited monster that Bradley Taylor raises from hell. And Spike helps.

But then weird girl has a brain aneurysm or something and drops dead anyway. So that bitch is fucking terminated. Not the best episode. Nothing really clicked. Great to see Zachery Ty Bryan working again, though. I mean really fucking excellent.

Buffy S7E3 Same Gine, Same Taste

In which some perverted troll is being a disgusting deviant.

Willow returns from Giles imposed exile to work all the evil out of her system, but when she gets off the plane, the teen dork detective team isn’t there to great her. And when she gets to Buffy’s house, THERE IS NO BUFFY. Meanwhile, Buffy and her pals can’t figure out where Willow is. SO IT APPEARS THAT WILLOW IS IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

Also, in one or both of these universes, a wiener kid was flayed alive by some demon guy while he was tagging Xander’s construction site. Why would anyone spray paint a construction site? Isn’t the point of graffiti to deface a private or municipal property in a highly visible locations, not one that’s about to built over in a couple of days and vanish forever?

Is it me or has Buffy been veering more toward Twilight Zonish plots than the typical monster of the week tropes? And why am I asking myself so many questions?

Anya is the hottest cast member of the show, so naturally I looked her up on wikipedia. Did you know that actress who plays Anya is Emma Caulfield? She changed her name from Emma Chukker and was married a guy named Cornelius Grobbelaar for four years before divorcing in May of 2010? How made up does the name Cornelius Grobbelaar sound? And why am I still asking myself all these questions?

Then some creepy troll starts picking Willow’s skin off and eating it, then lapping up her blood. Ew. Sick. I’m pretty sure I caught that troll perv popping a boner while he was playing around with Willow’s guts. Thas jus NAYsty.

Then Buffy gouges the Demon’s eyes out with her thumbs. Gross. This episode is totally gross.

And Buffy and Willow talk out in to wrap up the episode in spectacularly boring fashion. Snooze.

Buffy S7E2 Bee Queef Poo

In which a big evil carnivorous worm is burrowing tunnels just below the surface of Schumpeterdale so Buffy tricks them into burrowing right off the side of a cliff causing the giant man eating slugs to plummet to the ground and explode in a big mess of alien bug guts.

Interesting music selection as Buffy dreams of future Buffy, meaning she has pink hair and a techno theme song instead of rock n roll. They’ve certainly played far worse music in that dumb club Bronzer. We haven’t seen that dumb fucking place in a while, thankfully.

Spike really needs to get his shit together, he’s starting to look like that guy from the Blue Lagoon, on whose set Brooke Shields was known to have farted. And just as I get done typing that he shows up with a new haircut and fresh duds. And he makes an alliance with Buffy so the actor can stay employed even though there is no reason for his character to be around and hasn’t for the last 3 seasons.

Donn is naturally sceptical and warns Spike that if he ever does anything to her sister one day after he falls asleep he’s going to wake up dead. DEAD. Also, I would like some ICE CREAM.

So the evil Tremors looking bug thing is shown for the first time, and it really does look like the things from Tremors. How has no one brought up that movie yet. Also, Anya is brunette again and is SUPER HOT. WANT TO TOUCH THE HEINIE. Anya created the worm monster because she’s back to her demoning ways. Then spike punches her in the face for something. Then Buffy and Spike all start wailing on each other while terrible music plays in the background, which is fitting since theyre back at the dumb ass Bronze club.

Before the fight, new girl points out how everyone on this show has slept together and then Xander and Spike give each other suggestive glances. HAHA, they are two gay men, which I’ve known all along. New girl’s ex-boyfriend was turned into the worm monster by Anya, FYI.

So Spike is completely insane now and portending the apocalypse. Oooooh, scawee. I guess vampires getting their souls back makes them go coo-coo. So while Spike does have his soul again, it’s safe to say HIS SOUL STILL BURNS. Literally. It makes the crucifix he leans on start smoking.

I’m not really sure what was going on with that ending but either way I’m going to go get ice cream now. Yea ice cream!