Buffy S1E12 Prophylactic Girl

In which all hell literally breaks loose and Buffy literally pulls the solution out of her ass.

Apropos of nothing, I noticed that on the soundtrack to the original Buffy the Vampire movie, the Divynals (they of “I Touch Myself” fame) have a track on it called “Ain’t Gonna Eat Out My Heat No More.” How great is that? Fucking excellent.

Back in the television version of the Buffyverse, lots of bad bad things are going down, portending the apocalypse being ushered in by the stupidly named villain, The Master. Oh god the Hellmouth is going to open and let the Master out he going to suck us up in the hell mouth and suck us dry until we’re begging the Master to stop sucking because we can take the Master’s suckings no more.

Also faggot Xander asks Buffy out on a date and crashes and burns worse than Nick Hogan (too obscure?). And I know it’s not polite to call people faggots but the real problem is that many are under the mistaken assumption that it targets a specific sub-group of people when really it’s just a simple cut down with no direct ties to self identifying homosexual men. Also, it is an aesthetically perfect sounding insult to use in the case of Xander. In fact, no other word captures the entirety of Xander’s actions and personality while simultaneously thrashing it with as much precision and accuracy than the the word faggot. So I’m not trying to put down any segment of the population, just this retarded fictional character in an asinine tv show.

So anyway, faggot Xander is shut down and spends a lot of the show flopping around his bed like a depressed jagov, listening to country music and crying himself to sleep.

Elsewhere, pederast Giles reads a prophecy foretelling Buffy’s death at the hands of the Master (-bater. Sorry, had to say it at least once). But that doesn’t stop Buff. No sir. She even knocks old man Giles the fuck out when he tries to stop her. Then pussy Angel and faggot Xander find Buffy dead. Whoops! Then Cordelia (oh she’s a good guy now! squeel!) saves Willow and sexy Comp Sci lady from a vampire zombie horde. Then Xander gives Buffy mouth to mouth and she survives (cheap cop out!). Then the Master breaks out of the Hellmouth and into real life and jerks off all over the himself (blorp!). And now Buffy is MORE POWERFUL THAN EVER! (Wait, why?) Then a Sarlacc Pit Monster erupts in the library. Wait, now Buffy is undead? What the fuck. Also I find it totally racist that crosses are anathema to vampires. What about stars of David or crescent moons? Can a Hindu wield a cross with the same effectiveness as Socal honkey sluts? And why don’t Buffy and the rest of the people just cover themselves in crosses? Then those monster bitches could never even touch them. Oh right, the show. And so then Buffy kills The Master by impaling him on a stake. Wow, very original.

Then they all walk a way like a bunch of pals. Dork ass nerd pals, that is. The end.

So no bonage for anybody in season 1. That’s too bad because sexy Comp Sci teacher is absolutely begging for it. Overall I give the season a D. Just barely passable. I don’t know what I expected though. I think I just have high hopes for any form of entertainment with the word “slayer” in it, because I knew this kid in high school named Chris Layer, and I just loved saying his name like this: Chriiiiiii...SLAYER! It’s still fun for me to this very day.

I guess for combining vampires, murder and shit with Dawson’s Creek, the show gets a A, but as far as entertaining a 29 year old male with fabulous taste, I only barely managed to make it through the season. Does it get better? Who fucking cares? Well, maybe I’ll check it out. But not before watching bitch loads more of the Shield. Vic Mackey FUCK SHIT UP.

Buffy S1E11 Out of TP, Out of Ways to Wipe My Butt without Using My Hand

In which an invisible woman sneaks into the man’s lockeroom to see all the mans showering and just sits there and masturbates over and over and over and over and over again.

A girl at Sunnyspail is completely ignored and therefore actually turns invisible because of quantum physics, explains pederast Giles. It’s called the Heisenberg Principle of Faggotry, he adds.

The premise is as good a mash up of high school drama and the phantasmagorical as we’ve seen yet and it’s nice to see super bitch Cordelia have to interact with the dork squad in some other capacity than as Buffy’s cuntrageous foil. Yet on the other hand it’s still stupid as hell.

It also got me thinking about what I would do if I ever gained the power of invisibility. Sure, at first I’d spend most of the time masturbating in girls bathrooms, but even that would get old eventually (also assuming I live for a very long time). Maybe I’d get revenge on some mortal enemies, but I can’t really think of anyone who would be worth the trouble, though there is no doubt I’d try to fuck with all the stupid Philadelphia sports teams, like taking big dumps in their laundry and replacing their jockstraps with bees nests. Probably though I’d end up run over by a car that had no idea I was trying to cross the street. So fuck being invisible. Give me flight or super strength or something else. Then blow my invisible dick.

Anyway, Buffy stops invisible girl from going all Carrie on Cordelia’s ass (with attempted facial mutilation by scalpel rather than a blazing holocaust of destruction, fueled by a fiery tormented rage). The twist of this episode comes at the tail end when FBI show up to shuffle the invisible girl away to a secret FBI school that’s teaching a whole room full of invisible girls how to be deadly government sponsored assassins. Pretty much out of far left field but I have to admit I found it intriguing.

And that pussy Angel showed, though surprisingly little else was done to set things up for the season finale, which I’m going to watch after I eat this Lunchables I bought and get my fucking Shield fix god damn it.

Buffy S1E10 Nightvomit

In which some wiener kid makes everyone’s worst nightmare a reality, though strangely none of them including getting your dick ripped off by bear trap, because that is SO totally worse than forgetting to prepare for a history exam, right? I mean, it’s not even close. Dick ripped off by a bear trap wins the nightmare competition hands down. It really would be the worst.

This one was definitely an improvement from last episode in that it didn’t entirely resemble an episode of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. It also wasn’t a total rip off of Nightmare on Elms Street, instead, it was a rip off of one of the early storylines of Alan Moore’s legendary run on Swamp Thing, where a demented kid starts making nightmares come true. For instance in the opening sequence, some random stupid kid opens up his textbook and a bitch load of tarantulas start crawling out! Yowzas! That’s actually alot like my nightmare except instead of seeing spiders when I open a book what I find instead is another man’s spilled seed.

Anyway, it takes Buffy and the dork squad a painfully long time to figure out what’s going on, in the mean time they all face a bunch of cliched fears (like showing up to class in your underwear? Really?) and then Buffy et al save the day and they all retire to the library for an all night vampire blood orgy (I made that last part up).

There’s actually a great line in this one, probably the best quip yet, where Xander makes a joke at Willow’s expense and she gets mad and then faggot Xander says, “It’s funny if you’re me.” That’s a great way to think of this whole show, because more often then not I laugh uproariously at shit that is supposed to be super cereal. Like when Buffy’s nightmare of being the reason her parents get divorced is realized when her dad sits her down and lambastes her with criticisms. It’s fucking hilarious to me, some dad very sincerely telling her daughter that’s she’s a fucking piece of shit. I wish there were more tv shows with scenes like that in it.

They also almost managed to have a show without a rubber suited MOTW but they just couldn’t help themselves, and Buffy had to defeat some kid’s ultimate nightmare of a Chunk from the Goonies looking bad guy with a meatloaf for a hand. Yes that’s right, one of his hands on the giant goon was a tremendous meatloaf.

Despite the plot being almost entirely useless, at least we got some semi-decent characterizations from seeing our heroes face their deepest darkest fears, so the whole thing was a complete waste of time (just mostly).

And Buffy with mutant vampire face? Still bangable, obvi.

Allright, only two more of these fuckin bitches to go!

Buffy S1E9 The Puppet Puke Ass Shit Show

In which some fucking howdy doody motherfucking puppet gets possessed by a demon and Buffy and the crew blah blah blarg zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

Have we really run out of monsters for Buffy to fight each week that they’ve resorted to having one of the demons possess a puppet? A FUCKING PUPPET? And what the fuck is that dickhead doing bringing a fucking dummy to school anyway? He should have his ventriloquist dork ass beat out of general principle. Murder is not unwarranted.

I was pretty drunk last night when I watched this so I went on wikipedia to look up the plot and then I remembered there was a bunch of stupid shit about a talent show and girls playing the tuba and I didn’t want to remember the rest, so fuck it. There’s a new principle who’s a dick and some little boy is in hell with the main bad guy and will probably be reckoned with in the last 2 episodes which I can’t wait to fucking get the fuck over with.

Incidentally, wikipedia also says this was the lowest rated Buffy in series history. Good. This was a fucking abortion. The only time it is appropriate to use a fucking wooden dummy in ANY fucking TV show is when the puppet makes a joke about having some dude’s hand way up it’s butt. Or in the east coast/west coast puppeteer feud from that episode of Mr. Show BECAUSE MR SHOW IS AWESOME WHEREAS THIS IS UTTER DOG SHIT.

Next episode is called Nightmares, which I am sure will be a great Nightmare on Elm St ripoff but with a CRAZY PLOT TWIST and more witter banter than you can fit in a super duper fat piece of shit’s colon. I think I may need to make my TV ratio 2 Shields for every one Buffy from now on.

Buffy S1E8 Ira Bought You, Jane

In which I attempt to live blog this Buffy episode because fuck this recap after the fact shit; also the Shield owns bitches all day long. [ps, I end up writing a fuck ton of words. Looks like someone has diarrhea of the keyboard].

I get that Buffy has that weird opening for the sake of new fans, but it should really start with the line “IN A WORLD, GONE MAD” from the classic porno “Breeders”. Look it up, no time to ‘splain.

Oh great, Dago vampires.

Fuck all this reading bullshit. Subtitles are gay. Speak Anglish or shut up, bitches.

Have you heard about the new Italian Vampire tires? Day go in da rain, day go in da snow, and when dey get a flat DAGO WOP WOP WOP WOP.

Ok, italian flashback over, I have no idea what nonsense they were speaking about but some demon got trapped in a book and now Buffy just opened it.

Wait, who’s this slut? Comp Sci teacher? Pretty lady, rawr!

Now theyre all talking high-techie babble. Yeah, very advanced, for NINTEEN NINETY SEVEN. Fucking old geezers and your fat screened monitors.

And now theyre all dumping on that old pederast Giles. Well laugh it up now, youngins, but remember, THE ARROW OF TIME SLOWS FOR NO MAN.

The opening sequence also sucks the dick. It looks cheap as hell and the music is shit. My garage band from high school was better. Well, no we weren’t, we were fucking awful. But at least we got laid a lot. Ok, no we didn’t, but at least I’m going to stop talking about my shitty band of virgins now.

Buffy in a white cotton tank top - FUCK AND YES.

Willow has fallen in love with the blinking cursor from Doogie Howser’s computer.

Oh wait, I get it, that greasy Italian Demon Don Retardo has bee “downloaded” on to the cyberweb mainframe when Willow scanned that book and uploaded it’s digital contents onto the Cybersphere’s Net of CD ROMS and VGA GRAPHICS. Now it’s going to run amok by sending bullshit electronic missives to our hapless band of heroes and the unwitting dupes of Cunnydail High. Fuck this.

Willow is in love with an e-pen pal. And I’M IN LOVE WITH A STRIPPAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

HAHAHA, NICE LAPTOP YOU FUCKING PUSSY! That shit is older than a 13 year old dump I took 13 years ago! Just slightly older if this aired in the spring of 97 and it’s now December 2010. BUT STILL, a little bit older and OH GOD WHY DO I HAVE THIS 13 YEAR OLD DUMP AROUND. FUCK!

Xander is still a total faggot.

Buffy’s hypothesis: WIllow’s penpal is a circus freak! haha, no, says Xander, you’re just over reacting. LISTEN ASSHOLES, YOU LIVE ON A HELLMOUTH. ASSUME EVERYTHING IS BECAUSE OF A FUCKING DEMON VAMPIRE SORCERER’S SPELL. CHRIST.

Possessed student sitting at the computer, cutting letters into his arm with a knife: “I’m jacked in... I’m jacked in... I’m jacked in...” I can’t really make that any more hilarious than it already is.

Buffy and Willow changing in the girls lockerroom. God I wish those things actually existed. I’m pretty sure movie and tv writers assume they exist in public schools because they saw Porky’s once. Fucking idiots.

Buffy just said “e-letter.” What a cunt.

She is also dressed like a total prostitute. Which is obviously fine by me, I’m just saying, that is a short skirt and I don’t think it’s unreasonable or perverted to assume that she’s constantly flashing her teenage classmates her beav. It’s just a logical conclusion any not creepy at all 29 year old dude would reach. Der.

Sexy Comp Sci teacher is the flirty tech savy counterpart to the stuffy, British and pedaphillic Giles and wants to try to get all the “glitches out of the mainframe.” Yeah, good luck. NERD.

Willow is in a chat room with guido demon computer. None of them use LOL or any of that retarded leet speak those goldarn teenagers are shithouse crazy for. UNREALISTIC. LAME. FUCKING WRITERS ARE FIRED.

Sexy Comp Sci lady and Giles are going to totally bone. What the hell is her name? Anyway, who fucking cares.

Once again, Buffy’s ta-tas look pretty all right. Look, she’s older than me in real life, so back off.

And back in the girls locker room. Which has functioning showers. The showers in my high school locker rooms were used for storage. More nonsense.

Also (as I adjust my glasses and pocket protector) Buffy doesn’t have to worry about being electrocuted in half an inch of water if she’s wearing 3 inch rubber souled boots. Yet somehow once the water hits the electrical wires Buffy is blasted into the next room. Shameful.

Dago Compy Vamp writes fake suicide note for unwitting Sunnydale pawn and then has another possessed goon murder him (off camera, but still)? Kind of gnarly actually.

Moloch, the Corrupter? Easter Egg from Watchmen? Or whatever Lovecraftian thingy it sounds like its from?

Dork Squad Investigation Team is painstakingly telling the audience shit we all figured out many hours ago. What are we slow? We get it, fucking demon in the computer. Get to the fight scene and then resolve this shit already.

Ooooh, the files are IN the computer!

Searching for Willow is.... BORING! Wait, I mean suspenseful. No, I definitely mean boring.

And one of the dupes is dead. Whats the innocent victim death toll up to now? 15? fucking 30? Fucking Deadwood was a safer town to live in.

“Zomboids” says Buffy. Very Claremontion.

These POS graphics are really cracking me up. Hey, get a serious video card why don’t you? What the hell is your processors speed? 7? I bet you can’t even run Duke Nukem 3D on that ancient artifact, fuckin NOOB.

Hello Buffy, would you like to play Chat Roulette? By which I mean how would you like to watch me nerk my throbber via webcam?

“The divine exists in cyberspace.” and “Techno pagan is the term”, says sexy Comp Sci teacher. Jesus Christ that makes we want to kick her right in the fupa.

God damn it. They just made Moloch the Woppire a rubber suited monster. What the fuck is this. Get this bullshit the fuck out of her. I guess they just need something for Sarah Michelle Gellar to awkwardly roundhouse kick. Can’t have an episode without awkwardly choreographed punches from a 90 pound girl. What a fucking travesty. Garbage.

And Moloch just killed another student. Sure, why not? No one makes a big deal out of things when a bitch load of students die. That Columbine thing? Blown way out of proportion.

The solution to this episode’s problem is just Giles dictating a spell for sexy Comp Sci teacher to type into “the net”. Sure. Once it’s on the net it’ll just take care of everything on its on. This show makes Weird Science look like MIT.

Moloch is now trapped in rowbit from, and dies when he punches a fuse box. This show can suck my dick.

Giles: “I will see you anon.” Thanks Bill Shagsbere, you fuckin bitch.

Giles loves books that smell. Thats not all he likes to smell. I’m talking about a stanky bergina, you know.

Willow is down on herself because she fell in love with a computer that turned out to be a evil demon eyetie. WELL MAYBE IF YOU STUCK MORE WOODWIND INSTRUMENTS UP YOUR TWAT YOU’D GET MORE ATTENTION FORM GUYS, YOU FUCKING BITCH.

Episode ends with an ironic “I guess we’re doomed” quip and laughs from the 3 dork ass paranormal investigators. Yep. I’d say so. Also doomed? My liver. TIME TO GET SOZZLED, FUCKERS. FINALS ARE OVER AND ITS COOL TO BE DRUNK. TOUCHDOWNS FOR EVERYONE.

Buffy S1E7 Assgel

In which ditzy broad Buffy must be saved by dashing bloke Angel because women are weak and that’s the way God wanted it

Are Buffy and Willow lesbians? Probably not in the show, but they are at the very least in my mind. Clue one that Buffy likes to get that D is the scene early in this episode where she’s exploring Angel’s mouth with her mouth. I had actually forgotten Angel was a vampire at that point so it was funny to me when he turned away and then came back as the same guy with a rubber vampire mask and plastic fangs. Because the special effects are so corny is what I am implying.

All the lame back story involving Angel the good vampire and the Master (he’s the goofy looking evil guy trapped in the rubber cave of evil plastic props) is explained in the Library of Dork Asses and Expository Dialog. Those fuckin books and that fucking guy Giles are worse then the talking computer on the spaceship in sci-fi shows. “Computer, what is going on with the guest star and the new bad guys in this episode? Well captain, the Zortox are from the planet Jizzdarng and feast on human testicles and Slabogonadia is a sexy representative from the Labial Federation her to suck the Zortox off back to their home world and save the day. Great, thanks fuckin computer, you fucking robot bitch.”

Great story I just wrote.

This one was just all right. Forbidden love is an interesting if well worn topic. Buffy and Angel are in love despite Buffy being the chosen one, sworn to reign a genocidal holocaust on Angel’s people and everyone of his kind. Makes for an eventful courtship.

Best part of this episode was the “The Three” roided up vampires that started the show as the lame ass MOTW but didn’t survive past the opening credits.

And Buffy and Angel are playing tonsil hockey again by the end of the episode. It may not be this season but those two are headed for an all night suck and fuck fest sooner or later, I’m telling you.

By the way, I need to mix my viewings up with some episodes of the Shield, so I can get some more adult themed ownage and serialized storytelling with interweaving subpots.

So suck my dick, BUFFY.

Buffy S1E6 The Fudge Pack

In which a bunch of hyenas act totally heinous and karate chop a heinie with a vicious HIYAH!

Its only 10 minutes in and already it obvious that this episodes demonic monster peril/angsty teenage drama parallel is an evil hyena pack and a group of high school meanies. And as with the praying mantis episode, Xander is the target of an animal based monster that possesses him and turns him into a straight up cock tasting douche wad. So naturally he tries to rape Buffy.

Oh and the pack of meanies also get possessed by the evil hyenas (that they met at the Sunnybraile Zoo, duh) and they eat the principal. Hah! That happens!

So now two faculty members and a gaggle of students have all been brutally murdered at Sunnyvale High. Nice fucking school, there pal... nice fuckin school.

Well, no one ever watched this show for it’s subtlety, did they? I dunno, I’m asking, did anyone ever fucking watch this show for it’s fucking subtlety? No, that’s what I thought. And tell me are there any pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar naked on the internet? Also no? Well fuck! WHY NOT?!?

And then it turns out the zookeeper was evil and so Buffy vanquishes him by feeding him to the real hyenas. The End.

This episode probably had the worst dialog yet. Most egregious may have been the last line, when a thoroughly embarrassed Xander (you know, from all that attempted rapage while he was possessed) deadpans to Giles “Shoot me, stuff me, mount me.” Wha?

What Giles should have then said was, “Can I do that in reverse order?” Get it? Because he’s a pederast and he wants to Mount Xander, stuff his boner him and than shoot a load all over his butt.

Haha, what a superior quip by me. Ah well I’m going to try to watch one more before calling it a night. Fuck.

Buffy S1E5 Never Turkey Blumpkin a Boy on the First Date

In which Buffy learns that with great power comes great fellatio

It seems someone was listening to my gripes (that haven’t been posted yet) about no other Cunnydail students every trying to use Dork Central Library and then went in a time machine back to 199tyfucking7 and told those writer bitches to have exactly that happen, because exactly that motherfucking happened. The student of note also happened to be a young studly fellow named Owen with whose dongus-rod Buffy clearly wanted to get intimate. Unfortunately, the age old cockblocker named responsibility showed up to remind Buffy that she is far to busy snuffing vampires to spend time greasing up weiners and stuffing them up her vaginal canals.

There was also yet more old book reading of prophecies by that pederast Giles that precipitated the episode’s plot, something about an anointed one or some such shit. I should probably pay more attention to that crap in case there are hidden long term implications or maybe some plot easter eggs concealed therein, but alas I was far too busy watching TWO Monday Night Football games to give even half a shit (though to be fair, I could give a third of a very large shit, nearly equal in proportion to half of a regular size shit).

Furthermore, it was clear from the get go that Owen had to be told to fuck off at some point, lest the delicate Angel-Buffy-Xander-Willow homo love rhombus be upset. I swear I have not looked up ahead of time but I am 100% confident Buffy and Angel will bump uglies whilst Willow and Xander will be merrily making the beast with two backs afore this series is quit. How and when and after whichever many plot twists and headfakes I cannot be certain, but those pairs will be fucking at some point, of this I am sure.

Here are 3 other things that keep this show from being totally awesome.

1) the soundtrack is terrible
2) Buffy never looks believable as a legitimate equal to the vampires she’s constantly beating up. She needs to be in cartoon form for the suspense of disbelief to work.
3) Everyone’s always going to this place called the Bronze, where shitty live bands (though this one was actually all right, Velvet Chain wikipedia tells me, whoever the fuck there are) play. But no such teenager hangout could exist because a) if it were ever any fun people would start drinking and then ruin it when someone’s pissy cunted mom found out about it and b) no bar could ever stay in business booking bands while serving a predominately teenage crowd. And why don’t any of these little bitches smoke? LA teenagers in the 90’s? Fuck that. They’d all be puffing away like god damn chimneys.

Wait, whats that? I’m being a huge faggot who’s missing the point of this show again? Fuck you’re right! Looks like I’m going to have to keep fucking watching then!

Buffy S1E4 Teacher’s Wet Rregret

In which Buffy pops a boner for Angel, Xander pops a boner for Buffy, Willow pops a boner for Xander, and evil Mantis bug lady pops off a dude’s head after getting him all bonered up for sex.

I understand Sunnydale rests on the precipice of hell’s mouth where hordes of evil demons, vampires and sundry assorted nasties wait on one side the magical membrane, ready to let loose an unholy reign of never ending terror should they gain unfettered access to the mortal, fleshy world, and that faced with such an unconscionable nightmare scenario, most human beings suppress the awful reality of existence and pay no heed to the scores of terrible murders, monsters and mutilations that abound this otherwise peaceful burb, but jesus fucking christ man, Buffy’s been around for barely a month and there’s already been like a dozen murders. What does it take to get these cracker asses worried about shit?

So that paragraph took way to long to write and doesn’t even sound that clever on reread (no surprise there). Whatever, another MOTW for the big titted Nancy Drew and her band of dork ass supernatural detectives. This time it’s a giant praying mantis that pretended to be a school teacher who seduces virginal male studnets and eat them. That the praying mantis isn’t that hot in human form is just one of the minor issues I have with the whole arrangement in Sunnyfail, but that’s because I’m a fucking jerk off who can’t appreciate this live action cartoon for the whimsical, horror-comedy entertainment it is.

So rather than nit pick all the ridiculousness to snarky bits (like how no one else ever shows up in the school library while team spaz figures out how to beat the latest rubber masked hellspawn) I’ll just say fuck it, and see how the rest of the season goes. Theres only 8 more episodes so what the fuck do I care? It’s not like I have a life or anything.

Buffy S1E3 Bitch

In which a witch (hah!) goes back to high school to fuck Buffy up with sorcery and fuck dudes with her vagina.

As the last two episodes were just a remake of the (superior in my opinion) original Buffy movie, this episode was a typical Monster of the Week (MOTW) type. The main idea is some old mean bitch wants to relive her glory days so she switch places with her teen age daughter Freaky Friday style and tries out for the Cheerleader squad. When she doesn’t immediately make the squad she starts fucking up everyone who stands in her path with bitchcraft, including making it seem like Buffy is high on ketamine.

Then Buffy and her team of dork asses save the day. The End.

Also there was some teenage angst shit about that asshole Xander all the sudden having a crazy awkward crush on Buffy and not knowing how to talk to her, which is weird because he seemed fine with it in the first two eps, and nerdlinger Willow being quasi-jealous but doesn’t voice her opinion because she is a shy, mousy little girl and she knows she’ll get the back of the hand if she keeps mouthing off like that.

It is by the end of the episode that it dawns on me that this show’s target audience is pre-teens, predominately girls, and getting through the entire season, let alone series, is going to try every last fiber of my patience. The quips can be fun but get old, especially the lazy ones in this non-Whedon scripted ep. For example, if I were a character on the show I’d probably say: “I wish you brats would shut the fuck up and talk like normal people and so I can make myself a delicious metemuscil smoothie and watch Matlock re-runs in peace.”

Except not even that clever (fuck you, I enjoyed my quip); more like I’d be all: “Make quips much? I would try to be hipper but I just had mine replaced.”

See? Fucking annoying, right?

So whatever, we’ll see how long I last before I give up and start watching X-Files.

Buffy S1E2 Whore, Vast

In which Buffy is totally begging to be stuffed by that Angel vampire guy.

Oh wait, Buffy doesn’t get massively kilt, she’s saved when the cross given to her by pussy vampire Angel burns the big ugly dude vampire about to suck the shit out of her blood.

Once everyone is back at school, creepy British pederast Gilrs tells the new crew that earth is infested with hellspawn and demons and vampires, and yadda yadda yadda. Meanwhile, Jesse is dragged back to the biggest bad guy vampire in stupid plastic cartoon make up, and both groups go back and forth explaining the main plot for the show: Buffy will try to kick the dick off a bunch of vampires trying to suck all of Cunnydale straight to hell in “The Harvest”. Spoiler alert: she succeeds!

This episode and the last seem to be Joss Whedon’s attempt to remake the Buffy movie, which I read he didn’t like. I dunno, seems pretty much the same to me. I think I read that Whedon wanted the movie scarier and I can tell he tried to do that, but more often then not it just looks cheaper.

On the other hand, Sarah Michelle Gellar is one fine piece of ace, and I didn’t remember her bewbs being so sizable, so that’s a plus. Whats up with having 3 names though? Fuck that shit. Xander is also a stupid fucking name, its almost as bad as fucking Topher. Disgusting.

Oh and that Jesse dude got turned into a vampire and died. While delivering all sorts of quips!

Whelp, only one hundred and forty-two more hours of quips to go. Shit!

Buffy S1E1 Welcome to the Tip of My Penis, Mouth

In which Buffy dresses like a hooker at her new high school, Cunnydale.

After being in a shitty movie, though I did kind of like it, Buffy shows up in a new high school in a teeny tiny miniskirt and huge fuck-me boots for a brand new tv series on one of the wack ass little networks. She meets her usual cast of stock high school characters like the super bitchy Cordelia, the super nerdy Willow, the super dorky Jesse, and that faggot Xander. Buffy also has a totally bangable mom.

After super mad quippy dialog (um, “much” much?), Buffy eventually finds herself at some ridiculous high school band warehouse party ready to dispense a whole bitchload more quips. Also the creepy old British pederast,Rupert Giles, is there watching her because he is a “watcher”.

Oh wait, before that Buffy meets Angel, who looks like a Blade style good guy vampire but white so definitely a much bigger pussy than Blade.

Back at the outrageous band party, it looks like Willow is about to get date raped by a vampire so Buffy goes to save the day. The date rapist is vanquished but the hot blond vampire from the cold opening I didn’t mention shows up and turns into a rubber masked ugly blond vampire, who Buffy also beats up before a much bigger ugly dude vampire shows up to toss Buffy around like 90 pound teenaged white girl she is in real life (but not before even more god damn quippage).

Then the big vampire kills Bufffy and the show ends.

OR DOES IT?