Buffy S6E22 Man Gravy

In which like a fetus from the asses, Dark Willow rises again!

Dark Willow is a clear bite on the Dark Phoenix saga, the modern comic book masterpiece by Bryne and Claremont. Or it’s an homage. I don’t know what the distinction is. What do I look like, some fruity professor of pop cultural studies?

So Dark Willoe and Pedo Jiles are wailing away at each other on some mountain plateau. Meanwhile, Spike is in some cave getting covered in roaches. But like the honey badger rooting through a house a bees, Spike doesn’t care. Spike doesn’t give a shit. Later he’ll get bit by a cobra and just pass out. Look at that sleepy fuck.

Dark Pillow is so incredibly P.O.’d that her girlfriend got whacked that she decides there’s too much pain and suffering in the world, so she might as well just blow up the whole fucking planet. Yeah, why not? Go big or go home, that’s Villow’s motto. Way to take charge and step up to the plate with the rest of the big dogs. Like the Subway meatball peperoni sangwich. A delicious masterclass meal fit for a wold destroyer like Willoh.

But what’s this? It’s lame wad Xander, here to save the day with THE POWER OF LOVE™. Xander helps Willow regain her humanity be reminding her that they are fwends, and fwends don’t let fwends explode Earth to pieces with dark magic just because their lesbo girlfriend got shot to death. Way to go faggot Xander, you saved us all.

And in a clever bit of emotional juxtaposition, it is implied that Buffy also regains her will to live, after her serious existential crisis following her resurrection, and at the same time Spike is granted the ability to be an amoral, evil blood sucking vampire killer, vowing to now give Buffy what she deserves. Which is rape. At least I’m pretty sure he means rape. Spike is definitely going to rape Buffy next season.

And that’s the end of season 6. Season 7 starts whenever I get around to it. Hopefully before I start it Duke will lose in the basketball tournament, thus ending those assholes’ most recent insufferable run as NCAA champions, and order can be unrestored. Do you hear me Nike? That ad was disgusting and you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Also Grant Hill is a total Uncle Tom. What a douche.

Buffy S6E21 Two Cocks and She Blows (like a shotgun)

In which WIllow has fully transformed into a remorseless slaughtering machine, which is also what my first pet will be named.

Teen dork squad are now in a race against the time to locate and save the remaining two evil nerd guys from a psycho Willow looking to reign her cunty vengeance down upon them.

Things look bleak for our scappy, morally righteous band of buttwipes, that is, until pedophile Giles returns, ready to fuck shit up with authority. Everything is primed for the epic battle royale, between the master, and the one who before was but the learner but now is the master herself.

That shiz all goes down next episode, so in the meantime I’d like to share a story involving a little something I like to call, “If I were CEO.”

If I were CEO, I would be a benevolent boss. I would ensure my venue of employment was a safe place, free of discrimination and harassment. I would furnish my employees with ample personal days and I would make sure the breakroom was perpetually stocked with premium coffee. In return for my kindness and magnanimity, I would also insist on the policy known as “work dump.”

Work dump would only apply to me, the CEO. As the CEO, I would have my own bathroom, located within my private office. Whenever the CEO, meaning me, would feel the need to evacuate their bowls during the normal business day, I would press the work dump button, alerting the staff to my intentions through the use of a sirens and flashing lights. Now my employees would all begin the chant.

“WORK DUMP, WORK DUMP, WORK DUMP, WORK DUMP,” they would all chant in unison, loud enough for me, the CEO, to hear from inside my crapitorium, and long enough to continue throughout the length of my B.M. Following my poo’s conclusion, I would emerge from my office to render a verdict. Now silent and rapt in attention, my employees would await a signal, either the thumbs up, indicating a solid, satisfying doo doo, or a thumbs own, for a runny, uncomfortable shit. My positive judgement would be met with thunderous applause and fawning approbation. A negative determination would command stunned reverence, immediately followed by delivering to me a fresh cup of java and a bran muffin.

This is how it would be, if I were CEO.

OK, next episode is the penultimate’s season ultimate episode. Can’t wait!

Buffy S6E20 Villa Lobos

In which Buffy wants to know what the name ‘Bootch’, means.

Remember how last time I was like, well, I’m going to bed so I’ll just assume nothing important happens in the last 10 minutes? Well apparently Buffy and other lesbian witch get shot in the chest. Other lesbian witch dies and Buffy gets a free ride to the hospital. Hah, boy was I wrong,

The dick shit triplets have gone from bumbling wanna be bad guys to deranged murdering psychopaths rather quickly. More just that one guy. The one that fucking shot those two broads. He got Willow so god damn pissed she changes her trademark red hair black. Did she dye it black no. 1 perhaps? No, she used powerful magic, because she means business and wants revenge. Aint no fury like that of a teenage lesbian sorceress scorned.

Willow is super powered up and makes sure Buffy doesn’t die but that tribbing partner of hers has merged with the infinite. Then some boring shit happens. Look, bitch, just use a LOCATE PERSONS SPELL, DUH. Then you can turn your magic bag of holding inside out and teleport to this evil guy you want to kill. Then you’re one magic missile spell away from solving your problem permanently. GOD, don’t you people know ANYTHING about wizardry?

Blarg, now I’m tired again and want to sleep. BUT I’M SURE NOTHING WILL HAPPEN BETWEEN NOW AND MY VISIT FROM THE SANDMAN, RIGHT?

Buffy S6E20 Phil Anselmo

In which I return form my hiatus of writing about Buddy the Van Tire Changer.

The title of this episode is Villains, which rhymes with Philans, which is the first half of Phil Anselmo’s name. Yeah, I know, I’m really slipping.

This is also the first time I had to look up the plot to this episode on cyberspace BEFORE beginning this write up, which against the rules but I’m strapped for time and am not about to rewatch these episodes. I still need to get through all of season 7 and these Veronica Mars episodes aren’t going to just instantly view themselves on Netflix. Yes, that’s right, Veronica Mars. Another blond teenage crime fighter of the supernatural variety that aired on an ass network. I either know what I like or I’m a glutton for punishment. Whatever.

Oh yeah, so that 10 minutes of last episode that I feel asleep for? Yeah, kind of a big deal. One of those nerd dudes shoots both Buffy and Tara dead. Well, Tara dies anyway. Buffandra lives to slay vampinus another day (Spoiler alert, I watched the final 3 episodes of this season already).

So Willow goes completely bug fuck crazy and swears vengeance on the nerd dude by swearing to bury his cold dead body in the ground. And the rest of team dork squad freak out because they don’t wont Willow doing any magic at all, let along magic that leads to extra-judicial killings, even if the target of such a killing has murdered Willow’s lesbian witch girlfriend.

Feh, this wack nerd guy needs to get got. Might as well let Willow be the one to do the snuffing.

Also the whole concept if mortality in Buffyland is fucked worse than in the Marvel comic universe. Buffy’s been brought back from the dead a bunch of times already, why not fuggin Tara?

Anyway, nothing can stop a pissed of lesbian sorceress with a lust for blood, and Willow eventually finds evil nerd guy, tortures him, then rips all of his skin off and burns him to cinders.

It would have been so much more bad ass if the special effects weren’t so mediocre. The flayed nerd guy would have been way nastier if you couldn’t tell he was wearing a suit of skinless muscles on top of his normally skinned body.

After this brutal act of torture killing, Willow’s off to go find the other evil nerd assholes. Good luck, Willow. Orivwar!

EDIT: OOPS! It’s been so long I forgot that I already did this write up and then forgot to rename it after it auto saved in google docs. So i wrote TWO of these for ONE episode, but rather than waste one or spend time combining them, I’ll just post them both. Hey, why the fuck not? Double the fun, double the value. The previously written post will come after this one. But show up first on the blog. Kind of confusing, but also who gives a shit.

Buffy S6E19 Stealing Bread

In which who does Buffy think she is, Jean Valjean or some kind of big shot?

If you don’t want creepy 29 year old dues staring at Michelle Trachtenberg’s increasingly heaving yet still underage bosoms (and I assume you do not, I mean I sure as hell wouldn’t), then I suggest not putting her in skin tight, cleavage revealing tops. Shit’s fucked up.

Oh look, giant swinging buzz saw booby trap. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade homage I take it? Also nice shot of the Vampirella action figure. Not that I was every into that whole business.

Spike sill likes getting fucked up with a big tall glass of alcohol. Hell yeah, getting drunk a lot makes you cool. Everyone knows that.

Wait, why couldn’t Spike fuck Anya? And why did Xander make such a big deal out of it? Both Buffy and Xander broke up with their respective partners in copulation. So they’re both giant assholes if they expected their former significant others to refrain from seeking sexual congress from anyone else. You gave up that right. Bitches. So shut it the fuck up.

And why does Xander get to bitch to Buffy about porking Spike. Fools need to mind their business. ITS MY BODY AND I GET TO CHOOSE NEXT TO WHOM IT LIES NAKED.

Then Spike loses his mind and decided today seems like a great day to rape Buffy. Because he loves her. Capital idea Spike, and long overdue if you ask me. And despite being the super powerful chosen one, Buffy still has to awkwardly wriggle around on the bathroom floor while Spike tries to share his love with her. Whats the big deal baby, Spike just wants to show how happy he can make you, WITH HIS DICK.

Bunch of Star Trek references this episode. LAME. Star Trek is some wack shit. Some of TNG was pretty good I guess. Whorf. Data. Wesley Crushah. Number 1. Number 1 I’ve got to go take a number 2.

Uh oh, nerd guy Warren has magic orbs making him all powerful. But with absolute power comes absolute corruption. Or something. Fuck, man, I’m exhausted. I’m just going to go to sleep. Hopefully nothing very interesting happens in the next 10 minutes. Shit.

Buffy S6E18 In Troll Pee

In which Anya wishes Satan would rain down Xander’s throat with hot acid, dissolving his testicles and turning his guts into snakes.

Man, Xander is one fat fuck. It’s kind of distracting. Didn’t he used to be all about having to accidentally remove his shirt and showing off his chiseled bod? Now he wearing baggy clothes the size of table cloths and has a face like walrus. A fat walrus. Not like me and my sculpted abs and rock hard biceps and triceps and fuckin lats and shit. I said not now chief, I’m in the fuckin zone.

This episode is all about Anya being mega P.O.’d at Xander for jilting the ever loving shit out of her at the alter. Anya even wished Xander’s penis would explode. She really says that. Hah. I would let Anya explode my johnson if only she let me throw it in her first. It’s a fair trade, I think.

For the record, I am definitely on Team Anya. Totes fer sure. What the fuck was Xander thinking? It really is a bizarre decision. Not locking up fine trim like that? Fucking retarded.

Anya seeks solace in the vampiral arms of Spike, who’s smarting from getting shot down by Buffy, who no longer wants to receive his evil seed. They split a fifth of bourbon and end up screwing on a table. Good job, Xander, you really fucked it up this time.

Xander even gets to watch as Spike violates his former fiance, thanks to some dumb sub plot with the three buttwad nerd villains that I didn’t pay attention to. So Xander grabs a big fucking ax and storms off to render satisfaction. But Xander is a pussy, as we all know, so he doesn’t do anything to Spike. Fuck you Xander, you gigantic dildo.

Then Xander learns that Buffy also let Spike get all up in her guts, which depresses him even further. Jesus is there any bush you didn’t beat up? a dejected Xander would have asked Spike if I had be writing the script.

So Xander waddles off like the fat pathetic loser he is an the episode nearly ends up a total drag but is saved from pit of despair at the last minute when Willow and whats her face the other gay witch make up and then slobber all over each other in a big sloppy french kiss. So at least the lesbians are happy. HOORAY LESBIANS!

Buffy S6E17 Hormel Again?

In which Buffy thinks she’s crazy, oh my, she knows she’s fuckin crazy, oh child, she’s fuckin CRAY AH AH AH AH ZEEE!!!!!! YOU KNOW YOU ARE! YOU’RE FUCKIN, CRAY-ZAY!

It’s been a while since i got good and buzzed off my favorite sauce and wrote about Buffelia the Vamp tire changer, so I figured I’d give it another shot. I’m aware that drinking this much by myself in front of a computer is not a great idea, but here’s the thing, who’s going to stop me? Hahaha NO ONE CAN.

Diggeridos really are dumb pieces of shit. The only exist to start Australia tourism commercials and because they have a ridiculous name, like most things in Australia. Jonah Takalua, for example. Mees, I said PUCK YOU. PUCK. Lesten for once why dont’ you.

LESBIAN DRAMA UP IN THIS BEATCH.

Buffy is going all Fisher King/12 Monkeys/pretty much every Terry Gilliam movie ever and some others as well, on us. Is she fuckin cray-zay, or is she really a superhero killer of vampires like from out of a god damn comic book and this is all some sort of ploy by a villain to make her think she’s imagining it all so she’ll let her guard down and then get SLAYED HERSELF. I guess we’ll find out soon. But no matter what happens, Alan Moore’s masterpiece MIRACLEMAN nee MARVELMAN is the original and definitive take on such a concept. ALAN MOORE IS GOD AND RULES ALL OF YOU FUCKERS.

This season has been pretty ass but the last few episodes have been pretty good about noticing how repetitive and banal many of the hack tropes that have been threaded through most of the previous episodes have been and slyly commenting on them in continuity. Also I’d still like to see naked pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar show up on the internet. I would consider that a good day.

Regarding the whole, what is real and what is the dream, question thing: who cares? If you suspect you’re in the drema and can’t wake up, or that you can exit the matrix and exist in the “real” shitty reality, fuckin just forget it and live in fake town. What’s the big deal? So you’re made aware of the truth. The truth can suck both my nuts and the entire length of my peen. You’re just going to grow old and die either way. I choose surreality. Fuck it. Honestly, you’d never even know if “real life” is just another lie meant to confuse you even more. Fuck every last layer of incepted shit. Motherfuck it all.

I liked the concept of this episode, but I do wish they could have taken it further, and make the bigger question of whether we such accept that the entire Buffet universe can exist, and actually make the viewer think rather than make it obvious that Bufly is acting all fuckin cray-zay because she is being influenced by demons and other dark mystical forces, as she always is when things go bad. But that would imply that television is capable of some next level League of Extraordinary Gentleman by God Alan Moore type of shit and that’s probably asking too much.

Anyway, Buffry wins and is fine (OR IS SHE - no seriously they do end on a nice, is buffy fuckin cray-zay, bit) and roll credits. Now it’s time to hasten my demise ever so slightly and burn this cylinder of smooth nico pleasure. Then get a little more drunk. I MEAN IT’S NOT LIKE ANYONE COULD POSSIBLY STOP ME.

Buffy S6E16 Hal’s Bellend

In which Xander continues with his ridiculous charade by marrying a hot babe. Come on Xander, give it up. Just who do you think you’re fooling anyway?

Xander and Anya are getting married and things start to go horribly and hilariously awry. Who could have predicted that besides everyone in the fucking world who knows what the hell I’m talking about. Xander, by the way, besides being a total chode and gaywad, is a big fat fuck.

Because the totally pokable bride, Onyah, used to be a demon, everyone that shows up from her side of the wedding has weirdo rubber masks. Man, I haven’t see this much latex since the BDSM convention I went to and I saw all those people in latex masks and suits twisting guys’ balls and stomping on their wieners. HI-OOOH!

You know it’s a fun wedding when the bridesmaid threatens to cut the groom’s father’s dick off. Unlike Carmela, who had to remonstrate Tony that she never threatened to cut his dick awf.

Xander is visited by the ghost of marriage future and his life is miserable and pathetic. Except for when he watches football and drinks beer on a recliner. Who gives a shit if your kids suck and your wife doesn’t love you? If you have TV and beer and a recliner, you have a sweet life.

Then the wedding is almost ruined but then it’s not. But then pussy Xander gets cold feet and says he can’t marry the imminently bonable Anya because he doesn’t want to hurt. So he calls off the wedding and devastates Anya, undoubtedly scarring her for life, causing her an everlasting pang of hurt feelings and remorse. The iron clad logic of soap operas strike again.

I’m not going to lie though, despite being baffled by the ending, I thought this was a pretty decent episode. The funny parts were generally amusing, the major plot point of a former cursed victim of Anya coming back for revenge made sense, and honestly, Xander acting like a stupid pussy isn’t really that off character for him. All the schmaltzy wedding crap I could have done without, but I can’t blame the show for playing to it’s daffy cunted core audience. Or maybe I’m just in a good mood because I took so many of these prescription pain killers recently. Not really going to think too hard on it either way.

Buffy S6E15 Aw He Poo'd

In which Rileydawg returns after tracking a demon for 48 hours straight and is so ready to get his dick wet.

Remember when Willow was cute and interesting and not a boring ass sad sack of lesbian shit? Yeah me neither. They abandoned her technie nerd provlivities and went way overboard with her wiccan magic dog crap and now her character is ruined. Oh wah, wah, your girlfriend broke up with you because you OD’d on spell casting! Boo fucking hoo.

Why did Riley pretend the evil aardvark with fangs monster was a wild bear and he was from the Natioanl Forresty Department? Are people in Stubbydael that dumb? Come on.

That was a decent line between Buffy and Riley in the car. I’d type it but I’m supremely lazy so you’ll just have to go ahead and imagine something funny. Like a big fat dude. Falling, no, rolling, down a hill, with the cake he was about to eat all smushed on his fat face and flying around and then he lands in a big pile of horse piss. Yuck, he says. This horse piss smells disgusting, he continues, not at all like the delicious cake I was about to eat before I tripped and fell in front of all of you and causing you to double over in laughing fits. Thanks for helping me up, by the way, you motherfucking heartless pricks.

Telenovela time! Riley is back to send Buffy’s feminine hormones into overdrive, too bad he’s fuckin MARE-EED! BLA-DOW! In your face, BEATCH! Nah-ah! Find your own god damn man. Mistah Supahindentend? Yes, I’d like you to know you have a hoar living in 2-R. Buffice Rossi 2-R, you are nothing but a HOAR.

Willow says she can’t "do the magics because she got addicted. The way addicts do.” Was that supposed to be ironic? Sarcastic? Or just blindingly lame? I’m asking because I honestly can’t tell.

More telenovelaness: Riley walks in on Spike plowing Buffy. And then discovers Spike’s secret stash of Alien eggs? I think I missed a big plot point. Actually they act a lot like the Flood from Halo. Wonder which came first. Don’t actually care though.

Riley is obviously a big fan of Journey and their theory of a big wheel in the sky that is inexorably turning while at the same time serving as a metaphor for the existential lament.

Then Buffy finally (supposedly) dumps Spike at the end of the episode because she doesn’t want to base their relationship or sex. Or something. Maybe I missed the subtext but I don’t make it my business to pay attention to the neuroses of fictional daffy broads, do I?

Buffy S6E14 Older but Still Not Yet Legal for Plowing

In which Don discovers hair where there was no hair.

I used to sell those fucking back massagers at the mall. Thumpers, they were called. Two hundred and fifty bucks. Total fucking rip off Brookstone was. And I had to wear a tie. To sell bullshit travel pillows and golf tees. Fuck that place and the seven bucks an hour they paid me.

This is a really boring episode of Buffy. It’s all about Don Juan growing up and relationships and other crap. Is it possible to watch two different television shows at once?

Oh nice, the music at this party is all right. Sounds like trip-hop. So probably Fatboy Slim or some FBS knockoff. Still, as all right a selection as they’ve had all year.

You know who else makes good music? Those nice fellows from that swell band, Pantera. Especially when Phil Enselmo passionately croons: “Fuck the world, for all it’s worth. Fuck every inch, of planet earth.” Sounds of sweet poetry fill my ears.

Everyone seems to be trapped in Buffy’s big ass house for some reason. Hey is that Soul Calibur? BUT HIS SOUL, STILL BURNS.

This was a “bottle episode” of Buffandra, which means huge TV dorks get huge boners about it but who gives a shit about them.

Ah ha, all those butt wipes were stuck in the house because of a curse. THE RETURN OF THE GHOST OF THE CREATURE'S CURSE! Or is it the creature’s curse of a ghost that returns? OH YOU GHOULS! I’LL NEVER HAVE YOU SORTED OUT, WILL I?

Buffy S6E13 Head Please

In which Buffy and Spike are snug as two bugs in a rug that are also fucking

I have a great idea for a plot episode for Buffy. It goes like this: Those three nerdy jerk offs who’ve styled themselves super villains create a love potion and force Buffy to have sex with them. Oh wait, did I say a great idea for an episode? I mean a horrifyingly awful idea. That idea is fucking terrible. I don’t style myself much of a feminist but really? A love potion? Isn’t that a little too rapey? Plus wasn’t all this shit covered equally creepily with the Buffy sex rowbit?

Two other things this show gets wrong, but not uniquely in the world of teenage and pre-teen marketed television: 1) generic fast food restaurants and 2) singles bars.

I’m not sure why they’re keeping the Double Meat franchise around for Buffy to work in but it’s the wackest fucking fast food joint this side of Good Burger. And I know a thing or two about fast food restaurants (por ejemplo: Taco Bell’s quad steak burrito is a delicious treat of 4 times the steak but it also does four times the wreckage to your fucking guts. I shat out a bag of pre-mixed cement afterwards. It was worth it though. Probably. Ok defintitley not. But I’ll still eat one later today, because at least it’ll let me get some reading done.

Ok, I was going to talk about how this show gets single bars horribly wrong but one of these wacky dork “villains”, who previously have been played up for comic relief, just almost forced his ex-girlfriend to blow him (after using the command, “get on your knees”) and then when his spell wore off he clubbed her to death. I’m not even kidding. Jesus Christ what the fuck is this show even doing anymore?

What the shit? Now Buffy has a public sex fetish and lets Spike fuck her from behind on the scaffolding of the Bronzer Discoteque while she watchers her friend dance underneath her? I think the show is losing it, for real.

IS THIS A BUSH SONG? Whatever the fuck it is it horrendous. CAN SHE PLEASE JUST SLAY SOME GOD DAMN VAMPIRES AGAIN?

Buffy then gets framed for the woman the dork villains almost raped and actually killed. So Buffy has a huge crisis of conscious because she thinks she actually did kill her and later takes out her frustrations by pummelling Spike into a bloody pulp.

But then Buffy cracked this brilliant ruse and that rapist dude acts more evil and some more shit. I dunno.

You know why this show is probably considered a cult classic? Misplaced nostalgia. Like the kind people have for Woodstock until the warrior poet Everlast bitch slapped them all down with this vicious slice of truth: “I don’t think anything real came out of that first experience—it was just three days of sex and drugs and ‘Oh, the world is such a great place!’ Then they went home, became yuppies, and fucked the whole country up.”

Haha, die yuppie scum.

I mean whatever, the show is still better than SIngled Out or whatever dumb shit I was watching on MTV, when not watching MST3K or Night at the Roxbury on VHS, but it’s its still pretty fucking dumb. Well, look at me, all high and mighty with my fucking judgement like the fucking Pope of God All-fucking-mighty. What a fucking judgemental fuckface.

Buffy S6E12 Doubledongmeat Pleasure Palace

In which Buffy gets a job at a fast food restaurant and makes the customers eat her shit, then shit out her shit, then eat their shit which is made up of her shit which she made em eat.

What happens when Buffy gets a shitty job at a shitty fast food joint? She is the one who becomes the ball licker. No actually a bunch of crazy haunted magical demon shit happens. WHY DOESNT BUFFY KNOW THAT EVERYTHING SHE DOES IS TAINTED BY EVIL? It is because she is a half a retard. Also, haha, taint.

Outside of said haunted restaurant, Buffy has the most ridiculous awkward standing up sex with Spike I have ever scene. More awkward then Sylvester Stalone bufu’ing Sharon Stone in the shower in that one movie. Or when one of the Baldwins bufu’d Sharon Stone in Sliver. Man Sharon Stone got her fudge packed quite often in movies, didn’t she?

The whole fast food thing sucks though. It’s real easy to pick on fast food restaurants but guess what? Fast food is fucking awesome. So fuck you, show. Your biting satire on the fast food industry and working a shit McJob was uninspired. It sucked all of them, the dicks. LIMP DICKS.

Then an old lady grows a long skinny fanged penis out of the top of her head that starts to eat Buffy until Willow shows up and goes Lorena Bobbit on it’s ugly ass (dick slicing jokes and Lorena Bobbit references are timeless classics).

But seriously, why don’t more restaurants sell delicious human meat? Once you get a taste of it, the hunger stays with you always. I would know.

Buffy S6E11 Grundle

In which there are no dumb bells here there are just my balls.

The Peenho Trio done built themselves a dad gum invisimable ray gun. Nows they can git all the rapins they please. Elsewhere, Buffy’s tryin to get her fix a Spike’s hot beef injections. And Spike wants to plug Buffy full a' dongus till she goes blooey. But that ol’ social services bevo is cock blockin and lookin to take Don away. Well it’s about time someone done absquatulated with that youngster. That yonder den of iniquity and heathen sorcery is no place fer an impressionable lil ankle biter.

Sorry I just watched a new episode of Justified and I wanna talk just like them rad hillbillies up in them there mountains of Eastern Kuntecky.

Anyway, the three amigays turn Buffy invisible. No big deal. Then dork wad Xander brings up the girl from the first or second season that turned invisible and I reminded myself of the end of that episode when the invisible slut was recruited by the FBI. Why the fuck wasn’t that story thread ever explored further? Budgetary restrictions is my guess. Bitch ass skin flints.

I’d like Buffy to lick my invisiballs, if you know what I mean.

So what does Buffray do with her invisibility? She burgles someone’s hat, steals a cop car and torments a social worker. That’s some felonious bullshit. Why does the social worker deserve to be tortured? She’s probably grossly underpaid and under appreciated. Who the fuck is Buffy, besides some larcenous twat, to go around picking on some noble civil servant who’s just trying to look out for the well being of troubled youth? THAT BITCH.

Then Buffy fucks Spike some more and then fights the triple dickholes and wins, duh. But Buffy was being a massive cunt rag this whole episode so fuck her. YES FUCK THEM ALL.

Buffy S6E10 Dreck

In which Buffy’s got jungle fever of the vampire variety.

Buffy just can’t get enough of that juicy undead dong meat, as she lets Spike fill her out like a Scantron. For his part, Spike enjoyed pushing it up in, imploring Buffy to allow him to continuously dip his quill into her inkpot of pussy juice. Incidentally, the phrase pussy juice was one of the most misunderstood sexual phrases of my youth. I really had that stuff figured out wrong for a long time.

Something tells me Xander’s been involved in the “groom’s rite of self-flagellation” many times before. If there’s one person whose familiar with self-abuse and beating himself senseless, it’s Xander. BECAUSE XANDER LOVES JACKING OFF IS WHAT I’M SAYING.

Meanwhile Willow and former rat witch are labia deep in a terrible drug metaphor. Best be givin that magic a rest, less you wanna end up a no good, good for nothing junkie, fuckin bitches.

The magic as an allegory for doing drugs is an all right idea. Again, I admire the ambition, it’s just poorly executed. I mean just have the characters use real fuckin drugs. Frig. Oh man, Willow’s all like, high man, high from using magic. She’s got REEFER MADNESS and she’s making all sorts of POOR DECISIONS. Take away her spell book before she makes more bad choices due to her INSATIABLE LUST FOR A BUZZ.

Seriously, though, Willow, learn how to handle your shit. Damn.

Buffy S6E9 Gashed

In which the Dorka Troika come back and annoy the hell out of me with their stupid ass shit.

Hey is this episode going to be about being smashed, like ham donked? I only got drunk once this week. And a model citizen I am because of that.

Hey Willow finally got around to turning that witch from way back when back into a teenage girl after she turned herself into a mouse. Good for you for remembering, writers.

Hey. Just sayin hey.

Hey, former rat witch loves to eat cookies. I love to eat cookies. Maybe former rat witch wants to eat cookies with me and then let me bone her. She’s pretty hot. I don’t even care that she used to be a rat. Don’t even give a shit.

Uh oh, Spike’s anti-human hurting chip isn’t working anymore and he’s getting all rapey with Buffy. Don’t rape Buffy, Spike. That’s a bad rapey Spike! Bad rapey Spike!

Now Spike and Nerdlinger Triumverate are teaming up, probably to see how much concentrated douchiness then can squeeze out of their big douchey faces. What a bunch of assholes. Jump into an open volcano, all of you.

This new Bronze band is merely bad and not vomit inducing. Big step up. Good job merely shitty band that doesn’t quite make me want to puke (but is still shitty so let’s not go bragging about ourselves yet). But the Bronze turns out to harbour rape happy chode men! One of them even called Willow, Ellen! Holy shit, like the famous celebrity lesbian, Ellen? THAT’S OVER THE FUCKING LINE YOU INSENSITIVE MONSTER. TIME TO TAKE YOUR MEDICINE YOU HOMOPHOBIC FAGGOT. DANCE UP IN THE CAGE YOU QUEER. FUCKING DANCE FOR ME YOU GREAT BIG DYKE.

Meanwhile. Buffy and Spike are wailing away at each other. Bet the big lesbian dance party would be a lot more fun than all this brutalizing. But brutalization yields to hate fucking. And who doesn’t enjoy coming back from the dead only to be penetrated by your vampire arch nemesis while a house literally falls down around you? Clearly Buffy enjoys that. Look how happy she is with Spike’s vampire johnson all up in her guts. It’s just adorable, really.

Buffy S6E8 Taboobla Rat’s Ass

In which trouble brews in the lesbian witches brew.

Sharkface in a suit attacks Buffy and Spike. Who is Sharkface in a suit? Beats the fuck out of me. Some bad guy to whom Spike owes a bunch of fucking cats.

Here’s an example of a bad quip: Sharkface badguyman says “I don’t want to see anyone get hurt” as he sends his goons into to beat up Buffy and Spike. So Buffy says, “better close your eyes” and proceeds to beat the shit out of the goons. Great line, except for the fact that Sharkface would have no reason to say that he doesn’t want to see anyone get hurt, he totally does want to see many people hurt, except of course to set up the devastating quip from Buffy. See, that’s just lazy.

Tara and Willow are going to break up. Yawn. And pedofile Giles (I guess he’s not much of a pedophile anymore, is he? Everyone’s legal now. Except for Buffy’s fake sister. Ok good, the name stays) tells Buffy he’s leaving (again). Double yawn. This soap opera drama is tiresome.

Willow’s addiction to magic? A little less boring. I’d be addicted to magic if I could use it. I’d be casting spells all up and down this bitch. Fuckin ran out of pop tarts? Magic that shit up in the toaster. With some magical melted butter. Fuck yeah, magic rules.

Then Willow cast one too many spells and the whole spaz squad gets amnesia. Total amnesia. But they all remember who Mary Poppins is. Sounds like bullshit then.

While trying to remember their identities, our heroes end up making some wild ass assumptions and getting lots of shit wrong, like Anya and Giles assuming they're married. Oh boy, more fan fic indulgence. Whoopee.

Hey I never thought of this but why do all vampires know kung fu? Is it something they all practice after they get turned? Seems odd that they’d all be proficient karate masters. HIYAAAH!

Then the spell is broken and everyone wakes up to comedic and or sad effect. And then some horrible fucking music is played in that stupid nightclub which still exists. So it’s a typical Buffy episode. Some decent ideas and strange enough to give passes to ideas even if they don’t work (like Sharkman in a suit) but then they fuck it up with boring ass cheesy drama, unfunny jokes and THE WORST SOUND TRACK IN THE HISTORY OF FUCKING TELEVISION.

Hey guess what, Bob’s Burgers is on. That show is pretty all right. At least Fox is trying out a cartoon not made by Seth McFarlane for once.

Buffy S6E7 Once More, with Penis

In which you can suck and fuck for free, but you better not take it from me, it’s a fucking musical bay-bee!

Hah, respect the crueler, tame the donuts. That’s an appropriated Frank T.J. Mackey quote, Tom Cruise’s best role ever by about a billion light years. Here, the crueler represent the cock, which must be respected, and the donut is the cunt, which is to be tamed. It even make sense because the donut has a whole, just like a bergina.

In case anyone was wondering, I’d still like to very much have sex with Anyum.

Ooh, ooh, they just said “midgets”. Midgets is the dwarvish N word. That means Joss Whedon is an insensitive jerk. He causes persecution and bullying. What a fucking dick!

The episode also starts with Buffy saying she’s sick of just going through the motions and doesn’t have the passion for slaying as she once did. Sounds like Whedon’s proxy for getting tired of producing the same stale show for over 6 years. Making a musical episode would be a good way of breaking up the monotony. A porno version would have been better but this is fine, I guess. I mean what the fuck do I know about fuckin musicals? What do I look like, Rodgers and motherfucking Hammersteez?

Seriously though, the things I would do to Anyob wouldn’t be legal in Texas prior to 2003, when the Supreme Court ruled their anti-sodomy laws to be unconstitutional.

Another good joke about Buffy pumping Spike off. Hey why don’t the two of you go to the gym and pump each other?

Ah, fucking gross, zoot suits. Aren’t the 90’s over by now? Hey why not have the Mighty Mighty faggot Bosstones guest star while you’re at it. Man, fuck this.

Ok, so the premise is a appreciably ambition but it gets old in a hurry. The big build up song, Walk Thru the Fire” or whatever it’s called, also has a messed up hook. Needs more work. Should have just hired the New Deal to provide a continuous soundtrack. That’s what I would have done anyway. The New Deal fucking rules.

Well this is really dragging on. I had high hopes for this but I’m left massively underwhelmed. The wikipedia page for this is unsurprisingly like 50 pages long. A lot of “Buffy essayists” are quoted. Jesus Christ that sounds like the worst profession in the history of the world. Pick something decent to essay about, how much fucking time to you people have to write essays anyway? Who would spend that much time writing about Buffy the cunt licking Vampire Slayer? What a fucking joke. Get a life you pathetic jagovs. Seriously.

Buffy S6E6 All the No Mamas Guey

In which I don’t remember anything that happened in this episode because I probably watched it while in the midst of a fever so whatever.

It’s Halloween in Cunnydale again, which means some bullshit is about to go down. Bullshit involving fucking vampires and shit. And maybe something else interesting, but I wouldn’t know because I was hallucinating with a terrible illness.

I suppose I could watch it again, but I won’t. The entire Larry Sanders Show is on Netflix now and I need to watch that. I’ve seen it before but I don’t care, I NEED TO SEE IT ALL. ALL OF IT. EVERY LAST WORD BY HANK KINGSLY IS FUCKING GOLD.

Anyway, this episode had a lot to do with Don, apparently, and she almost gets biten by a vampire but then kills the vampire, even though the vampire is some totally hawt guy who Don wants to be impaled by his thick teenage vampire bone rod. SORRY DON, MAYBE NEXT TIME. Seriously though, if you keep throwing the pussy around eventually some dude is goign to stick it in. Getting laid by teenage dudes is probably the easiest thing in the world to do. It’s like trying to get drunk in Vegas. You don’t really have to try. Just hang out long enough and it’ll happen whether you want it to or not.

Ok, next episode is the famous all singing episode. I haven’t seen it yet but I’ve heard of it. So let’s see if it can not suck all the dicks off or not.