Buffy S6E18 In Troll Pee

In which Anya wishes Satan would rain down Xander’s throat with hot acid, dissolving his testicles and turning his guts into snakes.

Man, Xander is one fat fuck. It’s kind of distracting. Didn’t he used to be all about having to accidentally remove his shirt and showing off his chiseled bod? Now he wearing baggy clothes the size of table cloths and has a face like walrus. A fat walrus. Not like me and my sculpted abs and rock hard biceps and triceps and fuckin lats and shit. I said not now chief, I’m in the fuckin zone.

This episode is all about Anya being mega P.O.’d at Xander for jilting the ever loving shit out of her at the alter. Anya even wished Xander’s penis would explode. She really says that. Hah. I would let Anya explode my johnson if only she let me throw it in her first. It’s a fair trade, I think.

For the record, I am definitely on Team Anya. Totes fer sure. What the fuck was Xander thinking? It really is a bizarre decision. Not locking up fine trim like that? Fucking retarded.

Anya seeks solace in the vampiral arms of Spike, who’s smarting from getting shot down by Buffy, who no longer wants to receive his evil seed. They split a fifth of bourbon and end up screwing on a table. Good job, Xander, you really fucked it up this time.

Xander even gets to watch as Spike violates his former fiance, thanks to some dumb sub plot with the three buttwad nerd villains that I didn’t pay attention to. So Xander grabs a big fucking ax and storms off to render satisfaction. But Xander is a pussy, as we all know, so he doesn’t do anything to Spike. Fuck you Xander, you gigantic dildo.

Then Xander learns that Buffy also let Spike get all up in her guts, which depresses him even further. Jesus is there any bush you didn’t beat up? a dejected Xander would have asked Spike if I had be writing the script.

So Xander waddles off like the fat pathetic loser he is an the episode nearly ends up a total drag but is saved from pit of despair at the last minute when Willow and whats her face the other gay witch make up and then slobber all over each other in a big sloppy french kiss. So at least the lesbians are happy. HOORAY LESBIANS!

Buffy S6E17 Hormel Again?

In which Buffy thinks she’s crazy, oh my, she knows she’s fuckin crazy, oh child, she’s fuckin CRAY AH AH AH AH ZEEE!!!!!! YOU KNOW YOU ARE! YOU’RE FUCKIN, CRAY-ZAY!

It’s been a while since i got good and buzzed off my favorite sauce and wrote about Buffelia the Vamp tire changer, so I figured I’d give it another shot. I’m aware that drinking this much by myself in front of a computer is not a great idea, but here’s the thing, who’s going to stop me? Hahaha NO ONE CAN.

Diggeridos really are dumb pieces of shit. The only exist to start Australia tourism commercials and because they have a ridiculous name, like most things in Australia. Jonah Takalua, for example. Mees, I said PUCK YOU. PUCK. Lesten for once why dont’ you.

LESBIAN DRAMA UP IN THIS BEATCH.

Buffy is going all Fisher King/12 Monkeys/pretty much every Terry Gilliam movie ever and some others as well, on us. Is she fuckin cray-zay, or is she really a superhero killer of vampires like from out of a god damn comic book and this is all some sort of ploy by a villain to make her think she’s imagining it all so she’ll let her guard down and then get SLAYED HERSELF. I guess we’ll find out soon. But no matter what happens, Alan Moore’s masterpiece MIRACLEMAN nee MARVELMAN is the original and definitive take on such a concept. ALAN MOORE IS GOD AND RULES ALL OF YOU FUCKERS.

This season has been pretty ass but the last few episodes have been pretty good about noticing how repetitive and banal many of the hack tropes that have been threaded through most of the previous episodes have been and slyly commenting on them in continuity. Also I’d still like to see naked pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar show up on the internet. I would consider that a good day.

Regarding the whole, what is real and what is the dream, question thing: who cares? If you suspect you’re in the drema and can’t wake up, or that you can exit the matrix and exist in the “real” shitty reality, fuckin just forget it and live in fake town. What’s the big deal? So you’re made aware of the truth. The truth can suck both my nuts and the entire length of my peen. You’re just going to grow old and die either way. I choose surreality. Fuck it. Honestly, you’d never even know if “real life” is just another lie meant to confuse you even more. Fuck every last layer of incepted shit. Motherfuck it all.

I liked the concept of this episode, but I do wish they could have taken it further, and make the bigger question of whether we such accept that the entire Buffet universe can exist, and actually make the viewer think rather than make it obvious that Bufly is acting all fuckin cray-zay because she is being influenced by demons and other dark mystical forces, as she always is when things go bad. But that would imply that television is capable of some next level League of Extraordinary Gentleman by God Alan Moore type of shit and that’s probably asking too much.

Anyway, Buffry wins and is fine (OR IS SHE - no seriously they do end on a nice, is buffy fuckin cray-zay, bit) and roll credits. Now it’s time to hasten my demise ever so slightly and burn this cylinder of smooth nico pleasure. Then get a little more drunk. I MEAN IT’S NOT LIKE ANYONE COULD POSSIBLY STOP ME.

Buffy S6E16 Hal’s Bellend

In which Xander continues with his ridiculous charade by marrying a hot babe. Come on Xander, give it up. Just who do you think you’re fooling anyway?

Xander and Anya are getting married and things start to go horribly and hilariously awry. Who could have predicted that besides everyone in the fucking world who knows what the hell I’m talking about. Xander, by the way, besides being a total chode and gaywad, is a big fat fuck.

Because the totally pokable bride, Onyah, used to be a demon, everyone that shows up from her side of the wedding has weirdo rubber masks. Man, I haven’t see this much latex since the BDSM convention I went to and I saw all those people in latex masks and suits twisting guys’ balls and stomping on their wieners. HI-OOOH!

You know it’s a fun wedding when the bridesmaid threatens to cut the groom’s father’s dick off. Unlike Carmela, who had to remonstrate Tony that she never threatened to cut his dick awf.

Xander is visited by the ghost of marriage future and his life is miserable and pathetic. Except for when he watches football and drinks beer on a recliner. Who gives a shit if your kids suck and your wife doesn’t love you? If you have TV and beer and a recliner, you have a sweet life.

Then the wedding is almost ruined but then it’s not. But then pussy Xander gets cold feet and says he can’t marry the imminently bonable Anya because he doesn’t want to hurt. So he calls off the wedding and devastates Anya, undoubtedly scarring her for life, causing her an everlasting pang of hurt feelings and remorse. The iron clad logic of soap operas strike again.

I’m not going to lie though, despite being baffled by the ending, I thought this was a pretty decent episode. The funny parts were generally amusing, the major plot point of a former cursed victim of Anya coming back for revenge made sense, and honestly, Xander acting like a stupid pussy isn’t really that off character for him. All the schmaltzy wedding crap I could have done without, but I can’t blame the show for playing to it’s daffy cunted core audience. Or maybe I’m just in a good mood because I took so many of these prescription pain killers recently. Not really going to think too hard on it either way.

Buffy S6E15 Aw He Poo'd

In which Rileydawg returns after tracking a demon for 48 hours straight and is so ready to get his dick wet.

Remember when Willow was cute and interesting and not a boring ass sad sack of lesbian shit? Yeah me neither. They abandoned her technie nerd provlivities and went way overboard with her wiccan magic dog crap and now her character is ruined. Oh wah, wah, your girlfriend broke up with you because you OD’d on spell casting! Boo fucking hoo.

Why did Riley pretend the evil aardvark with fangs monster was a wild bear and he was from the Natioanl Forresty Department? Are people in Stubbydael that dumb? Come on.

That was a decent line between Buffy and Riley in the car. I’d type it but I’m supremely lazy so you’ll just have to go ahead and imagine something funny. Like a big fat dude. Falling, no, rolling, down a hill, with the cake he was about to eat all smushed on his fat face and flying around and then he lands in a big pile of horse piss. Yuck, he says. This horse piss smells disgusting, he continues, not at all like the delicious cake I was about to eat before I tripped and fell in front of all of you and causing you to double over in laughing fits. Thanks for helping me up, by the way, you motherfucking heartless pricks.

Telenovela time! Riley is back to send Buffy’s feminine hormones into overdrive, too bad he’s fuckin MARE-EED! BLA-DOW! In your face, BEATCH! Nah-ah! Find your own god damn man. Mistah Supahindentend? Yes, I’d like you to know you have a hoar living in 2-R. Buffice Rossi 2-R, you are nothing but a HOAR.

Willow says she can’t "do the magics because she got addicted. The way addicts do.” Was that supposed to be ironic? Sarcastic? Or just blindingly lame? I’m asking because I honestly can’t tell.

More telenovelaness: Riley walks in on Spike plowing Buffy. And then discovers Spike’s secret stash of Alien eggs? I think I missed a big plot point. Actually they act a lot like the Flood from Halo. Wonder which came first. Don’t actually care though.

Riley is obviously a big fan of Journey and their theory of a big wheel in the sky that is inexorably turning while at the same time serving as a metaphor for the existential lament.

Then Buffy finally (supposedly) dumps Spike at the end of the episode because she doesn’t want to base their relationship or sex. Or something. Maybe I missed the subtext but I don’t make it my business to pay attention to the neuroses of fictional daffy broads, do I?

Buffy S6E14 Older but Still Not Yet Legal for Plowing

In which Don discovers hair where there was no hair.

I used to sell those fucking back massagers at the mall. Thumpers, they were called. Two hundred and fifty bucks. Total fucking rip off Brookstone was. And I had to wear a tie. To sell bullshit travel pillows and golf tees. Fuck that place and the seven bucks an hour they paid me.

This is a really boring episode of Buffy. It’s all about Don Juan growing up and relationships and other crap. Is it possible to watch two different television shows at once?

Oh nice, the music at this party is all right. Sounds like trip-hop. So probably Fatboy Slim or some FBS knockoff. Still, as all right a selection as they’ve had all year.

You know who else makes good music? Those nice fellows from that swell band, Pantera. Especially when Phil Enselmo passionately croons: “Fuck the world, for all it’s worth. Fuck every inch, of planet earth.” Sounds of sweet poetry fill my ears.

Everyone seems to be trapped in Buffy’s big ass house for some reason. Hey is that Soul Calibur? BUT HIS SOUL, STILL BURNS.

This was a “bottle episode” of Buffandra, which means huge TV dorks get huge boners about it but who gives a shit about them.

Ah ha, all those butt wipes were stuck in the house because of a curse. THE RETURN OF THE GHOST OF THE CREATURE'S CURSE! Or is it the creature’s curse of a ghost that returns? OH YOU GHOULS! I’LL NEVER HAVE YOU SORTED OUT, WILL I?

Buffy S6E13 Head Please

In which Buffy and Spike are snug as two bugs in a rug that are also fucking

I have a great idea for a plot episode for Buffy. It goes like this: Those three nerdy jerk offs who’ve styled themselves super villains create a love potion and force Buffy to have sex with them. Oh wait, did I say a great idea for an episode? I mean a horrifyingly awful idea. That idea is fucking terrible. I don’t style myself much of a feminist but really? A love potion? Isn’t that a little too rapey? Plus wasn’t all this shit covered equally creepily with the Buffy sex rowbit?

Two other things this show gets wrong, but not uniquely in the world of teenage and pre-teen marketed television: 1) generic fast food restaurants and 2) singles bars.

I’m not sure why they’re keeping the Double Meat franchise around for Buffy to work in but it’s the wackest fucking fast food joint this side of Good Burger. And I know a thing or two about fast food restaurants (por ejemplo: Taco Bell’s quad steak burrito is a delicious treat of 4 times the steak but it also does four times the wreckage to your fucking guts. I shat out a bag of pre-mixed cement afterwards. It was worth it though. Probably. Ok defintitley not. But I’ll still eat one later today, because at least it’ll let me get some reading done.

Ok, I was going to talk about how this show gets single bars horribly wrong but one of these wacky dork “villains”, who previously have been played up for comic relief, just almost forced his ex-girlfriend to blow him (after using the command, “get on your knees”) and then when his spell wore off he clubbed her to death. I’m not even kidding. Jesus Christ what the fuck is this show even doing anymore?

What the shit? Now Buffy has a public sex fetish and lets Spike fuck her from behind on the scaffolding of the Bronzer Discoteque while she watchers her friend dance underneath her? I think the show is losing it, for real.

IS THIS A BUSH SONG? Whatever the fuck it is it horrendous. CAN SHE PLEASE JUST SLAY SOME GOD DAMN VAMPIRES AGAIN?

Buffy then gets framed for the woman the dork villains almost raped and actually killed. So Buffy has a huge crisis of conscious because she thinks she actually did kill her and later takes out her frustrations by pummelling Spike into a bloody pulp.

But then Buffy cracked this brilliant ruse and that rapist dude acts more evil and some more shit. I dunno.

You know why this show is probably considered a cult classic? Misplaced nostalgia. Like the kind people have for Woodstock until the warrior poet Everlast bitch slapped them all down with this vicious slice of truth: “I don’t think anything real came out of that first experience—it was just three days of sex and drugs and ‘Oh, the world is such a great place!’ Then they went home, became yuppies, and fucked the whole country up.”

Haha, die yuppie scum.

I mean whatever, the show is still better than SIngled Out or whatever dumb shit I was watching on MTV, when not watching MST3K or Night at the Roxbury on VHS, but it’s its still pretty fucking dumb. Well, look at me, all high and mighty with my fucking judgement like the fucking Pope of God All-fucking-mighty. What a fucking judgemental fuckface.

Buffy S6E12 Doubledongmeat Pleasure Palace

In which Buffy gets a job at a fast food restaurant and makes the customers eat her shit, then shit out her shit, then eat their shit which is made up of her shit which she made em eat.

What happens when Buffy gets a shitty job at a shitty fast food joint? She is the one who becomes the ball licker. No actually a bunch of crazy haunted magical demon shit happens. WHY DOESNT BUFFY KNOW THAT EVERYTHING SHE DOES IS TAINTED BY EVIL? It is because she is a half a retard. Also, haha, taint.

Outside of said haunted restaurant, Buffy has the most ridiculous awkward standing up sex with Spike I have ever scene. More awkward then Sylvester Stalone bufu’ing Sharon Stone in the shower in that one movie. Or when one of the Baldwins bufu’d Sharon Stone in Sliver. Man Sharon Stone got her fudge packed quite often in movies, didn’t she?

The whole fast food thing sucks though. It’s real easy to pick on fast food restaurants but guess what? Fast food is fucking awesome. So fuck you, show. Your biting satire on the fast food industry and working a shit McJob was uninspired. It sucked all of them, the dicks. LIMP DICKS.

Then an old lady grows a long skinny fanged penis out of the top of her head that starts to eat Buffy until Willow shows up and goes Lorena Bobbit on it’s ugly ass (dick slicing jokes and Lorena Bobbit references are timeless classics).

But seriously, why don’t more restaurants sell delicious human meat? Once you get a taste of it, the hunger stays with you always. I would know.