Buffy S3E22 Grab Your Ankles Day - Chris Partlow 2

In which Buffy tells Angelo: Eat me.

And pale-faced-pussy Angelo is all like, OM NOM NOM NOM... MMMM BETTER THAN THAT BAG OF DICKS I HAD YESTERDAY NOM NOM NOM.

So this ending blew hard enough to have an asthma attack. So fucking lame. Heres what happened: Buffy wakes up in a hospital and is fine. Then she and the rest of the geeks from school get ready to fight zany nutball evil mayor. Then they fight and Buffy wins.

And how clever was Buffy’s plan to kill a ultra powerful demon from hell that they spent all season building up to be the ULTIMATE DEMON BAD ASS WHO WILL MOST DEFFINITLEY FUCK YOUR SHIT UP? By waiting until he turned into a big snake and then luring him into a room full of explosives and blowing him up. That’s right, Buffy the Vampire and Yosemite Sam, heroes cut from the same cloth.

I also don’t understand the how councilmen of the Fart Watchers and Snot Slayers are able to quit or get fired. I thought it was all fate and destiny. Isn’t that the whole point? Buffy can’t have a normal high school life because she’s the chosen one? But now it’s like working at the mall. Hey, fuck you man, you can’t tell me not to wear sneakers. They don’t have to put up with this shit at the Mrs. Fields Cookies. Fuck this, I quit. You’re telling me it’s like that?

I don’t know what to totally make of this whole series, but I know for certain what I’m not making out of it, and that’s a big fucking deal. I get why some people flip out over it, it’s got it’s unqiue quality, a little bit off junuh say quah. But it’s still kinda ass. I could cut it some slack for, um... well I’m not sure why I would cut it any slack. Whatever, let’s warp this shit up.

Now, INNA FINAL ANALYSIS, HERE IS MY OPINIONATION ON BUFFANDRA SOMMERSBY THE VAMPILE SERVER, THE HIGH SCHOOL DAZE YEARS: C+. Coulda just rewatched Battlestar Galactica or something else.

SO ITS BACK TO READING CHRIS CLAREMONT’S X-MEN FOR ME. Be back some time later.

Buffy S3E21 Groundhog Day - Parkour 1

In which bodacious Buffy and her band of buddies are beset and beleaguered by a prodigious panic of perilous pandemonium in this penultimate parable; OH SHIT WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY GOING TO DO NOW?

It just dawned on me that Buffie et al graduate high school in the same year that I did. That dates them as fictional contemporaries of Great Falls High class of ‘99, otherwise known as that guy who fucked that pie and the chick with the boobs who got naked movie. That’s probably why I didn’t watch shit like Buffy, cause back then I was busy watching movies. Movies with boobies in them. Because I AM AWESOME.

Now, let me see if I can remember the important stuff from this episode that I missed while thumbing through thickets of thesaurus, um... theories? Anyway, so Buffy... oh hell, I’ll just look that shit up too.

Oz bangs Willow (gay)
Anya pines for Xander (also gay)
Faith shoots Angelo with a bow and arrow (rad)
Buffy quits being an official slayer (who fucking cares?)
Willow dicks around on a computer (faaaaaart)
Buffy and Faith fight (trib)
The mayor picked a slick licked dick to stick on his prick (frot)

Everything is set up for the evil ditzy mayor to go blooey in the next and last episode of season 3. Angelo also may die (yea) and so might Faith (boo).

Here are my predictions: Faith somehow saves Angelo and ends becoming immortal or something. Xander bones Anyoung but then she leaves and they don’t stay together. Giles proves that he is the Head Watcher In Charge but he stays fired and continues to be in hot water with the North American Watcher Slayer Love Association. The mayor’s demise comes anticlimactically, and his jokes about eating giant spiders to maintain regular bowel movements will be missed most of all. Finally, Cordelia will still have the biggest cans in Mammarydale.

OK LETS GO FIND THE FUCK OUT.

Buffy S3E20 The Prole

In which Angelo and Buffy plan to go to the Scurvydale prom but then Angelo finally realizes that his 400 years old and he’s sick of this daffy teenage cunt yapping in his ear all night long and goes out cruising for some hot new poon.

Just because Angelo is stuck in the body off a 20 year old, doesn’t mean it’s anything close to cool for him to bang a 16 year old. He’s 400 years old. That’s five times older than your grandfather. Angelo is Hugh Hefner raised to the power of creepy old wrinkly balls, holy jeez I want to lick em.

And do you think this is the first slayer he’s ever banged? There’s a new stacked young demon killer ever generation, and just like in the dreams of Matthew MacConaughey’s character from Dazed and Confused. Angelo can plow underage vag literally forever. Angelo can be waist deep in pink any time he wants. And Buffy is going to crumble into dust in the blink of an immortal’s eye. Why did no one realize this until know? Read a book you slobs, this shit is not a new concept.

Then Xander makes one very long and involved joke about how if he doesn’t get a date for the prom, he’s going to have to stay home and beat his dick off furiously. Good one, Xander, you fucking anal fissure.

Oh look, its a rubber-suited hell hound. And I just mentioned hell hounds in an earlier post. Whoop-de-damn-doo, as my pardner Derrick Coleman would say.

By the way, just what did high school senior girl Buffy Summer’s say to the foreman of the slaughterhouse to get him to give her the address of the boy who’s been ordering huge amounts of cow brains to feed his pet hell hound? Hello fat mustached blue collar guy in charge of the abattoir, let me ask you something, would you know where I might find another similar aged boy who has been purchasing a fuck ton of your finest bovine encephalo-meats? Sure little girl, here you go!

Holy farts, did they just pay for the rights to a pop song for the soundtrack? The DJ is playing Praise You by the very decent Fatboy Slim at the prom. Here’s a fun fact, I was into Fatboy Slim way before anyone else in the US was. That’s because I listened to Liquid Todd’s radio show, Solid State, on 92.3 K-Rock back in the day. Also I have impeccable taste. It’s true. Great fuckin taste of a champion.

So is that also why I listened to Pizzaman’s ‘Trippin on Sunshine’ before ‘Better Living Through Chemistry’ was released in the States, you ask? Why yes, yes it is. It’s also why I know that Liquid Todd deserves a far better fate then to have a his biggest hit be on the soundtrack to Rob Derpiddy-der’s movie ‘Hot Chicks’. Woof.

Then Bufflady gets an umbrella from her classmates (no, really), and that terrible song, Wild Horses, or whatever the fuck it is, plays and Buffstar and Angelo dance and ZZZZzzzzzz....

Next two episodes are the climactic climax of the season. Well, it can’t possibly get any more boring, so they’ve got that going for them.

Buffy S3E19 Chodes

In which Faith plays a game of knifey spoony and wins with her big fucking knife.

Faith and wacky evil mayor are still conspiring the end of Sunnydays while Buffy and the dual pedophile dork detective crew snipe at each other’s tits and generally act like great big bitches. Both parties make daring raids against the other’s strongholds, with Team My Future Wife kidnapping Willow while Team Double Pederast stole the musty old claptrap the mayor needs for his ascension. There’s only a few episodes left in the season so that means things are about to get REALLY GAY.

Have I also mentioned how much I hate the cheap music on this show? Yes probably. That’s one thing they desperately need to upgrade. It’s just plain corny. Probably chalk that one up to me being spoiled by post-Sopranos awesome TV and this show being ranked 80th out of 120 by the Nielsons and being on the UPN network that doesn’t even exist anymore. Or maybe it was WB, but who gives a shit.

Another thing I hate? That the vampires are snarling rapid beasts with fangs. Well I guess I don’t hate that. It’s not like I have a preference in vampire styles, like I’d rather they mope around like the queers from Twilight or whatever, I’m just saying, you can write a lot more interesting stories about Dracula than you can about mindless hell hounds.

Whelp, I guess that makes me the lamest Trekkie at the Star Wars convention, cause despite all that I’m still watching this fucking show. Maybe it’s for scenes like when those giant spiders lept out of that magic evil box and ate that security guards face. Ha ha! Whoop, there it is! Honestly, though, security guards, fucking move to a different town already.

You know what would fix this show instantly? If they renamed it Ash, the Skeleton Slayer and it starred a young Bruce Campbell and it was also known as Evil Dead the TV show. Oh fuck yeah, baby, that’s what I’m talkin about it.

And now Willow is going to go to community college because she has a lezzie crush on Buffy. Aw, what adorable scissor sisters they make. And next episode is the motherfucking prom! Over the pants handjobs for everyone!

Buffy S3E18 Beershots

In which Buffy takes a shot right in the mouth, like this, GARGLE GARGLE BLARGLE BLAH LA LA LA and then catches a demon venereal disease.

First of all, Cordelia jumping around in a tight cheerleader sweater is a sight to behold. Because her boobs are huge. And they bounce around. The huge boobs I mean. CORDELIA’S BOOBS ARE GREAT IS WHAT I’M SAYING.

That’s what Buffy would hear if I were in this episode because she gains the power of telepathy which is the ability to read minds. And then she read the mind of Chipper Jones and it went like this: DUUUR! A DUUHH I LIKE TO FISH AND HUNT AND FUCK HOOTERS WAITRESSES, A DUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Then they discuss Othello in class. Othello is a stupid play if you ask me. Here’s an impression of Othello: Hey this guy who has a lot of reasons to hate me just said my wife is cheating on me.... I WILL KILL MY UNFAITHFUL WIFE. THAT WHORE.

That’s the whole play. It’s fucking dumb. And everyone talks about how ahead of his time Shagsbere was, but not when it came to race. Moors and Jews and such were still all disgusting slime people to him. Fucking over rated Shakespeers I tell you.

Telepathy is a usually handled poorly in TV and other media since it’s always depicted as someone clearly hearing everyone else’s thoughts, if all the thoughts people had were properly enunciated soliloquys. Of course that’s not how people think but, whatever, there’s probably no better solution and that’s what happens here anyway.

But then Buffy finds out someone is going to kill everyone in the school. And another kid just wants to kill himself. Sounds like a compromise can be worked out there somewhere. It’s looking like a win-win scenario if you ask me.

Luckily Buffy plus dork squad saves everyone’s life in another very special episode of Buffy with lots of heavy handedness and serious conversations, but it was lightened slightly by one student thinking Xander was gay. Gee, I wonder what gave him that idea besides everything he ever does or say.

And what about Faith, and the evil mayor and shit about that shit? I dunno, they weren’t in this episode. What do you want me to do about it? What do I look like, the fuckin zecutive producer?

Buffy S3E17 Enemas

In which the mayor takes out his big evil swingin dick and starts to slowly but firmly enter the town of Cunnydale from behind.

Faith continues being awesome by killing an annoying mutant demon leprechaun with her bare hands and trying to sleep with Buffy’s chaste boy friend, pale faced pussy Angelo. Faith is so great, I want to be insider of her hot fictional nether regions.

The Mayor is also up to no good, which is good for the show because he’s actually an interesting character. He’s still only got one dimension to his crazy, but it’s still more interesting than Xander’s thirty-seven flavors of dick. He’s not the first happy go lucky evil nutbar antagonist but he pulls it off pretty well. And he summoned a Mortal Kombat looking ninja demon to help Faith turn pale faced pussy Angelo evil again. Which is also good, because evil Angelo is better than good Angelo, duh.

And Cordelia is trying to get Windman-Pryce the new pedophile watcher to statutorily fuck the shit out of her.

You know who would be great as the mayor? Otter, from Animal House, otherwise known as Assemblyman Zellman from the Sopranos.

Oh wait, ‘psyche’ Buffy says! Not only was Angelo faking being cool and evil and was really a pale faced pussy the whole time, but the Mortal Kombat towel-headed-demon was on pedophile Giles’ payroll the whole time. FUCKIN SHIT MY TINY LITTLE MIND HAS BURST INTO A HOLOCAUST OF SURPISE.

But Faith, she’s now cartoonishly evil. That’s pushing it a little bit. Instead of helping bring about the apocalypse, wouldn’t it make more sense if she just got an average, run of the mill drug habit or something? That’s what I would do if I was an alienated, angsty, goth super hero chick with an awesome rack. That and stay at home and diddle myself all day.

Buffy S3E16 Doppelgangbangland

In which shit is about to get real cause Willow is wearing leather and dark red lipstick and is talking really slowly in small words and licking bitches necks. BEST WATCH THE FUCK OUT NOW.

Oh shit cakes, that crazy wish granting demon who’s very cute when she’s not in alien fish make up is back, and she’s casting spells all up in this beyotch.

FUCK.

I guess everyone else also enjoyed the slightly retarded speaking dominatrix Willow that loves licking people from that episode from before, even though they vanquished the wish granting demon last time she was around. So they concocted some horseshit plot contrivance to bring Willo’s sexy back. AND LOOK AT HER GO. LICKING THE SHIT OUT OF SOME MOTHERFUCKING NECKS. HOT DAMN.

Then evil Willow and lame Willow get it on with some hot tribbing action. Hey, is it considered masturbation when you have sex with your evil Vampire self from another dimension? Of course not dumb dumb. Pull your head out of your ass. It’s simple homosexual love. Narcissistic incest homosexual love, but homosexual love nonetheless. And who said there was anything wrong with homosexual love? Not this guy. Nope, I’m a man of the new millennium. Live and let live. Fuck and let fuck. That’s my fuckin motto.

Then dork-ass-but-still-cute Willow pretends to be evil-and-slightly-touched-in-the-head Willow. Great furry Yeti balls, that’s just nuts!

And then the plan almost fails, but then it doesn’t. Also the new pedophile watcher, Wyndham-Butterwurbs-Chuttlefordcastleton-Gropecunt-Price IV is a massive tool.

Also, the Bronze gets attacked again. Why the hell do people keep going to the fucking place? There’s been like probably close to a hundred fucking murders there since Buffy started going to school. Time to pick a new hang out. Or just play Risk in your friends basement with a handle of Captain Morgans like normal teenagers already. THATS WHAT ALL NORMAL TEENAGERS DO.

Buffy S3E15 Cock for Quenching

In which Faith is lost to the dark side and is forced to use her death star because she just started a motherfucking star wars, bitch.

Faith is awesome because she is pretty looking and is skinny with big boobs. Also because she killed a dude and doesn’t a fuck. She could also be a hell of a lot fatter before she stops being hot. Maybe one of the episodes could just be her eating buffalo wings with blue cheese dressing until she packs on 15 elle bees or so. I’d watch that. You know I’d fucking watch that.

Faith continues to be awesome when whiney turds show up to her that she needs to chill out and she continues to tell them to jump up her butt. They’re all like, Faith! Faith! Where is your sense of remorse for killing a maybe innocent man? And she’s all like, up my butt, and to the left.

Then Xander tries to talk “some sense” into Faith and so Faith attempts to strangle him to death. So you see how I am madly in love with this fictional character. I am definitely going to have to watch Dollhouse again and with no pants on obviously.

It’s also hilarious that Faith later kills Mr. Trick, because Sunnyfail is a racist place where brown people are not allowed to survive an entire season. Having a British accent, however, makes you virtually indestructible. Still waiting on the first spanish type, brown, white or mestizo.

Then Faith joins forces with the evil mayor. OR DOES SHE?????? I mean maybe she does, they do have a lot of plot twists in this show. I bet you a lot of money, though, that they don’t go balls out and have Faith kill Buffy and pedophile Giles and Xander and Oz and the rest of those assholes (Cordelia and Willow can survive as her lesbian concubines if they want), and make the show about Faith owning bitches all day long and letting the fucking Hellmouth open because honestly, fuck Suhkneedale directly in the ass. The rest of this cast couldn’t suckle Dushku’s teat if they were born in her marsupial pouch. Stop making me think a hot rebel ass kicking babe could possibly be a bad thing. She could murder a whole country right in front of my face and I wouldn’t give a shit. Napalm them all to death. Faith’s allowed to do whatever she wants. NO ONE IS SAFE WHEN A HOT GIRL WANTS TO COMMIT CRIMES, THEY LITERALLY GET AWAY WITH EVERYTHING.

Buffy S3E14 Bad Bitches

In which vampire knights, raised from the medieval dead, have a boss who is the world’s fattest fattypants fatso and whose belly button looks like a slimy, gaping vagina.

Buffy’s new pedophile watcher has much sharper threads than Giles. He’s all in fresh banker suits and Giles is still ensconced in tweed vests and sweaters and sweater vests. Time to update that wardrobe, whoadie.

Why the fuck does Willow have acceptance letters from multiple schools she applied early to? You only apply early to one school. That’s how it fucking works. Get your shit straight and come correct, nerd.

Anyway, Faith’s buzzing in Buffy’s ear about some shit and eventually convinces Buffy to act like a giant slut and also a huge pain in the ass. Buffy’s new watcher tries to settle her wanton ways, but Buffy is straight hoing and doesn’t give a fuck. She’ll even go to the Bronze and dance to shitty shitty techno music with Faith. Yeah I’d let Faith bronze my pole if you know what I’m talking about.

Buffy’s personality metamorphosis doesn’t work all that well, but on the other hand the show does feature a fat tub of shit vampire. Reminds me a bit of the lard ass vampire in Grendel: Warchild, or that fucking dude from Dune. And Eliza Dushku’s cleavage is totally awesome.

Faith also kills a dude, who was evil, but Faith didn’t know that, so she goes all MacBeth and tries to wash the blood off her hands but she can’t. Way to go bitch, you fucked it up.

Then Buffy drops a toaster in the fat piece of fucking shit vampire bath and sends his hefty ass to hog heaven. But the evil town mayor and his house vampire Mr. Trick did something and now the mayor is invincible and looks like he will be the main bad guy that needs vanquishing in the season finale. Hey wasn’t there some evil little kid who got locked in a cage who was supposed to be the baddest dude? What ever happened to him?

A so-so episode. Tubby the Vampire and Dushku’s sweet tetons rescued it from being totally abysmal. I especially liked Faith’s line at the very end of the episode: “You don’t get it Buffy, I don’t give a god damn motherfucking shit. Bitch.” Great line. Probably the best of the whole show.

Buffy S3E13 The Crappo

In which Xander ball’s descend and he attempts to use them but instead it turns out though they’ve indeed descended properly into his scrotum, Xander’s balls are impotent and entirely worthless and Xander is going to be a staggering, foaming pussy for the rest of his live no matter what.

Hot ass Cordelia takes a big shit on gay wad Xander by explaining how dispensable he is the to Teen Dork Squad Detective Agency, and she’s completely correct, so Xander draws himself a warm bath, opens up his veins and merges with the infinite.

Haha, I only wish. No, Xander buys a car that many homosexual men would be proud to call their own and goes out looking for chicks to date rape. He finds one stupid enough to get his care but before he can force her hand to pump off his weenus he’s attacked by a bully. A bully that raises his dead friends from the grave and puts a bomb in the school. Xander eventually foils this plan and kills everyone but nobody notices because he’s a giant butt cake and he sucks at everything he does. So fuck him. Also the Hellmouth opened up in the middle of the fucking library so all the real heroes with magical powers and pedophile Giles had to stuff that awful monster back into it’s yawning hell chasm.

Oh yeah, and Xander fucks my future wife, Eliza Dushku. Hey, man, not cool. Not fucking cool, bro. Faith is a bad bitch and was only interested in Xander as a piece of hogan on the side, and insists that he quits it immediately after hitting it. Good for you, Faith, kick that limp dick to the crub. Your nannie nannie is too good for that ass clown.

SERIOUSLY, NO ONE TOUCHES MY PRECIOUS BUTTERCUP LIKE THAT. PREPARE TO DIE FUCK FACE.

Buffy S3E12 Braless

In which Buffy loses all her powers as a vampire slayer but retains the most potent weapons known to man: her awesome rockin tits.

It’s a pretty common genre trope for super heroes to have an adventure where they lose their powers and have to solve crisis using only their natural wits and mortal abilities. Usually this event is accompanied by a large, angsty amount of sole searching. So that’s what this episode is. Buffy loses her powers and STILL is able to vanquish the dickhead vampire holding Buffy’s hot mom hostage. The only variation of these well worn theme is the person responsible for the depowering is not the villain, but pedophile Giles. Hey, what the fuck, man?

Apparently it’s all part of the National Society of Pedophilic Watcher’s master plan to shove every slayer in coffin with a vampire without her powers and if she survives, she gets to stay a slayer. That makes no fucking sense. If she was doing fine as a slayer before, why wait until they’re 18 to try and kill them? You wouldn’t waste all those years of training, you’d see if they could handle their shit BEFORE you assign them a creepy pedophile gaurdian.

But whatever, it happens, and it was kind of interesting. And I have a massive hangover and dont feel like doing much typing so it looks like we’re all shit out of luck.

Buffy S3E11 Jinjurbred Hows of Whorers

In which Willow and her evil cult of ghastly ginger goth sluts decide to assassinate some children because all gingers and goths are sub human slime who are born with no souls.

Two little kids are found murdered in a playground and Mr. Sanderson from the bank has been turned into a vampire. And that’s just in the first 2 minutes. Dude, Buffy totally sucks at her job.

Instead of being all secretive and sneaking off to kill vampires all by herself and trying to keep Sumterdale safe BUT FAILING MISERABLY, maybe Buffy should fucking alert the authorities about the Hellmouth who can send the army out to help train the town during the day to hold crosses up and stab stakes into vampire chests. It’s not that fucking hard. I do that shit all the time. Eat my shit you vampire bitches. Heyaaah!

Wow, look at that, Buffy’s mom just suggested that adults start getting involved to help stop the monsters from killing the dick out of everyone. I always knew she was one of the good ones.

Then she turns into a raging cunt fart and starts a literal and figurative witch hunt, getting Willow and all the other loser wiccan dorks in trouble. I bet she’s one of those PTA bitches who fights to keep Huck Finn from being taught in schools because of it’s liberal use of the n word. What a dyke.

What the frig, as soon as I typed that Buffy made a joke about the boy who stuck his finger in the dyke. Actually a decent joke too. She implies that she thought the story was about a little Dutch boy used to stick his hand up some lesbians twat. Haw.

Ah, finally we learn why this episode is called gingerbread, it refers to the house where Hansel and Gretel died. Those two dead kids from before are actually Hansel and Gretel’s ghosts who show up every 50 years and fuck with people. Then they mention how fairy tales are real and witches and blah blah blah. The problem I have with that is that the real origin of fairy tales are far more terrible than some bullshit about magic and demons and shit. In this case, back in the day, like 1600s or so, pre-renaissance Mittel Europe was often devastated by famine, wars and plagues, leaving rural woodsfolk unable to provide enough food for their families. So faced with the choice of starving themselves or starving their kids, parents would lead their famished wiener chilluns out into the forest for one last meal of bread crumbs before abandoning them to the elements and surely a slow, painful, horrifying death. The idea being that if the parents die, so will the kids anyway, so better to mercy kill the brood now and hope to have more offspring when fatter harvests return.

See? Way more fucked up. The life of man is nasty, brutish and short, indeed.

Ahem, oh right, the fucking tv show. Um, so, it looks bad for Team Buff when a rubber suited monster appears but then Buffy fucking stabs his head off. And some girl from high school is now a mouse.

Thats how it ends, for real. You fucking happy now?

Buffy S3E10 Ah, Mens

In which it’s Christ’s Mass time in Our Lord and Saviordale and Willow is absolutely begging for Oz to slip his yule log up her mistletoe and spill egg nog all over her sparkling tinsels.

I just celebrated baby Jesus birthday in the manger myself and all I got was cash, which exactly what I asked for. What a waste is for people to buy presents they’re not sure their recipient wants. That destroys value because not one is a more efficient spending on me than me. THAT BABY JESUS IS A GOD DAMN COMMUNISS WASTREL.

Ironically, I actually do need new socks and underwear and I hate clothes shopping so I wouldn’t have minded a couple packages of Hanes. And I’ll tell you, that Buffy can handle my package of Hanes any time she wants. She’s quite the vulpine vixen she is.

Marie Calendar the sexy comp sci teacher is back this episdoe! But as an evil ghost. But not the Holy Ghost, my man JC’s got that one on lock down. The evil ghost tries to get Angelo to kill Buffy so in response Angelo tries to kill himself. Good, finally see he’s grown some balls for once. Seriously, he’s lived for like 400 years, whats the big fucking deal? Die already you life hogging prick.

Of course, being a big pale faced stupid pussy, Angelo fails at killing himself. Loser. He stands on a hill right before dawn but then snowclouds, which I guess are totally opaque now, block the sun and he lives. Well guess what Angelo, that was a sign. A sign that screams NO ONE LIKES A QUITTER. GIT R DUN YOU FUCKING POOS POOS.

Oh yeah, Oz literally turned down P in the V, which is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Unless he’s gay, no high school male says he won’t have sex with a chick who sits him down and says, I want you to be my first. NO ONE. I DONT CARE WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE.

And some other crap happens but I was too busy watching Michael Buble sing O Holy Night to pay attention.

Buffy S3E9 The Swish

In which Cordelia gets all It’s a Wonderful Life up in this bitch.

I very much enjoyed the tentacle/dong faced Predator/Cthullu knock off demon from the cold opening. Also his ferocious mouth was sideways which reminded me of a vagina with teeth. Yikes, now that’s scary!

Another better-than-the-usual rubber-suited-demon then grants Cordelia’s wish that Buffy never existed. Cordealya is still all bitter about getting impaled and attacked weekly by monsters and very rightly blames that asshole Booffy. However, the world without Buffy is a dark, bleak dystopia where the bad guys won and terror reigns, not unlike the Sentinel dominated Days of Future Past from the classic Uncanny X-Men storyline from Byrne and Claremont.

Heres a few points about this so-called terrible Buffyless Buffyverse:
1) The Bronze actually plays decent music. Well, better music anyway. Kind of a Ministry rip off, but still way better than Seth Green’s awful ass band.
2) Willow is a vampire, but, more importantly, a slutty, leather clad BDSM dominatrix vampire. So an awesome vampire.
3) There’s way less quips in Sunnydamned sans Buffy.
4) Basically everything about the show is better in this alternate universe. Except for hardass alternate universe Buffy wearing pants. If you can’t do miniskirts than at least some Tomb Raider style short shorts.

Oh right, so even though it’s a a world where Buffy never existed, Buffy still shows up and saves the day (ok well, Giles does). That’s because technically Cordelia just wished for Buffy to never have come to Sunnydave, not that she never be born. OK FINE SO IT ALL MAKES SENSE. And it gives the characters another excuse to reverse type just for fun. Like the fruitcake vampire “Master” from the horrible first season who invents and uses a mechanical human auto-blood drainer 4000. Later the Master Doofus Vampire kills alterna Buffy right after alterna Buffy kills all her alterna teen detective dork squad friends who’ve turned vampire.

I don’t know if this is going to be a game changer episodes but it’s easily the most entertaining one yet. I kinda hope so, but on the other hand it’s a lot tougher to make dick and fart jokes about a really good show, so maybe some episodes can still suck ass.

Buffy S3E8 Lover’s Schlok

In which we’re all supposed to be impressed by Buffy’s SAT score of 1430 but guess who’s got two nostrils and took a big shit all over that score? Believe it, beyotch. Haha, no really, I did, so PUT DOWN THE IVY LEAGUE BROCHURES SLUT, THEY AIN’T INTERESTED.

On the other side of the scholastic spectrum, Xander whines about scoring around an 800 combined, making him actually retarded. I mean, this is no disadvantaged youth from a crime ridden, socioeconomically challenged neighborhood in a failing, decrapitated school system here. This is Whitey McHonkeyfarts from Sunnydale’s Aryan Preparatory High, this dude is fucking dumb.

The best part of this episode was when Cordelia ran away humiliated from Willow and Xander, who were finally caught making out, and then falls through some rickety old stairs and impales herself on a steel bar. HAHAHA, WHOOPS. She’s not dead though, so her big jugs will be dancing back on scree in no time, I’m sure.

Spike also showed back up, at first as a rad rockin drunk driver, then as a weepy emo douche, and finally as a flippant British jerk again. So overall his appearance nets out to a B minus C plus.

And after a fairly long, better than average fight scene, there is a massive decoupling of the up until now still sputtering along retarded love rhombus. Oh god it’s so sad. WHAT ARE THESE HOT TEENAGE WIZARDS GOING TO DO FOR SEX NOW? I GUESS THEY WILL HAVE TO JUST GO FUCK THEMSELVES LIKE THE REST OF US LOSERS.

Buffy 3E7 Revelazypeezashid

In which some lady fights off Manowar for the vaunted Hand of Doom and together they strike with thunder in the sky so they always remember that they made a stand and how many then died by their hand.

Yes I am a lazy piece of shit and yes there is a scary glove thing that is the central MacGuffin of the episode and so I just looked up the lyrics to Manowar’s supremely righteous metal anthem Hand of Doom. So what, likes it’s a big deal?

Incidentally,I have no idea where that “In which...” bullshit started but I figured it would be funny if I did it for every episode, because it was always used in spooky mature comics like The Sandman and Fables which share similarities with the tone of Buffy but I thought I would change things up by adding things like curse words and references to sexual organs and their respective discharge. So now you know the story behind that nonsense, thus concluding our behind the scenes tour of my Cunny’s Dale Blog.

I’m guessing the “revelation” of the episode is supposed to be that Buffy and Angel made out again, and everyone is all mad cowing because Angel was a bad guy and tried to kill a whole bunch of people. But he also used to be a good guy before that, so isn’t it equally plausible that he changed again? Fuck, these characters go through so many possessions and hypnosis and shit, who the fuck are they to judge a pale faced pussy vampire? If he says he’s changed then what kind of hypocritical horseshit is it for these dork wads to say otherwise? Scandalous shit is what it is.

But Willow and Xander’s honkey lip wrestling is NOT revealed so they can go back to being low down dirty cheats and not giving a fuck. And Faith the hot slayer and my future wife got a new pedophilic watcher (a LESBIAN pedophile) but that watcher turned out to be evil so Faith was just like, eh, whatever, I’m just going to go home and play with my breasts for a while (which she really then did later in my mind).

And something else about a magical glove and a demon but I forgot or never cared or both.

Buffy S3E6 Barf Candy

In which Buffy joins the band to give the whole school a rusty trombone and Roman helmets and turkey blumpkins and marble cake, delicious yummy marble cake.

It takes Buffy over half the friggin episode to figure out the evil band candy they were told to sell by the evil principal who got it from the evil mayor and an evil black vampire doing a John Waters impression was indeed evil. Of course evil in the Buffyverse eating the candy makes adults act like bad ass outlaw teenagers who drink booze and smoke cigs like it’s cool, so not so much evil but rather just not totally gay. Oh goodness, the stick in the mud adults are playing against character and acting like out of control rascals! Hey, someone want to tell me when the short bus took a hard right off the normal bridge and plunged to the bottom of retard river? Man do I wish I lived at the bottom of retard river.

And the whole point of tricking adults into eating magic roofied chocolate is to distract them and steal all the babies of Sakidale. Um, then why not just kill everyone in the hospital and then take the fucking babies? Wouldn’t that be a whole lot easier?

Well Oswald Cobblepot’s, er, I mean if John Waters was a black vampire’s, plan is foiled by big boob Buffman (well to be fair her stunt double did most of the work) and everyone goes back to normal. Although I will give credit to Whedon for having all of the characters remember everything they did when they were ensorcelled, instead of the whole reset at the end of the episode thing that most non-heavily serialized tv shows do.

I also enjoyed this episode because a regressed pedophile Giles loves ripping butts and telling people to ‘sod off’ and handcuffing Buffy’s hot mom and fucking the shit out of her (no, for real) and basically acting like John Constintine and owning shit left and right, so thats more than okay with me.

And Buffy has to take the SATs, which I totally rocked but the shitheads at Princeton still weren’t impressed and so fuck every Ivy League school and all the assholes that every went to one.

Buffy S3E5 Homecoming in Socks

In which Buffy and the teen dork detective squad go to Homecoming and who would have thought that deadly vampiric hijinks would ensue besides Happy Scrappy Hero Pup, of course.

After I settled on the Homecoming in Socks title I really just wanted to quote Randal’s amazing video order to the distribution house but I decided it would be too lazy even for my pathetic, non existent standards.

You know what else is pathetic? This was the last time I would be in my twenties for New Year’s Eve. I didn’t want to get all pissy about it like some mopey little emo bitch but god damned if I didn’t anyway. So you know what I did? I looked up a bunch of the actors from Buffy the Vampire Snuffer and it turns out all those jerks are even older than me. Some by a shit load. Especially that Pedophile Giles. So suck it, geezers. Man does that feel good. There’s nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others.

Meanwhile, the shennanigan meter is about to wack it’s way through the fucking roof, because Cordelia and Buffy are BOTH running for homecoming queen. Yes, I know, I could hardly believe it myself. AND XANDER AND WILLOW ARE MAKING OUT. Shut up, I know, right?

But it’s all just a ruse. That’s right, a cunning attempt to trick Buffy by the Mayor, who’s really an Asian drum major hellbent on killing slayers in something he calls Ozzfest ‘98, which I was at in Homdel, NJ at the PNC Bank Arts Center and Tool and Megadeth opened for Ozzy and Snot, Incubus and System of a Down played the second stage and I saw a lot of fat dudes with beards wearing wifebeaters and jorts and I’m not ashamed to say it was the best god damn day of my whole fucking life.

I guess the evil mayor and the sundry comic book bounty hunters he rounded up to kill Buffy was supposed to be an intriguing plot twist but It’s tough to even pretend to care anymore. In other news, Eliza Dukshu still looks hot, like Rick Derris hot. Whatever, just try not to suck any dick on your way through the parking lot.