Buffy S5E22 The Gimp

In which Buffy throws her self off a cliff to her death like that one white chick whom Mogwai wants to bone in The Last of the Mohicans but without the excellent music and general awesomeness.

It’s the final confrontation and Buffy saves her fake sister by killing herself. I don’t get why she does it but they certainly built up the idea all season, what with all the Slayer death wishing and what not. It was a good idea and they tried hard, I appreciate the game plan, but I think they totally blew it.

For one, the Slayer death wish is an awesome idea but ihey barely scratched the surface. All the time they spent leading up to the finale dealing with Buffler’s dead mom could have been spent digging into that fucked up head of Buffy that must have been so wracked with guilt and conflict after doing so much god damn slaying over the years. Sure they were monsters but you can’t be a ruthless slaying machine, of demons, humans or otherwise, and not have some severe collateral damage to your moral core. They could have had Buffy lose her humanity first, and then sacrifice herself, instead of having her mope about her dead mom and then just fling herself off a tower into oblivion just because her fake magically created sister needed to be snuffed.

Buffinator’s sacrifice makes more sense after I looked up that Buffery the Vampile Sayer switched networks from the WB to UPN after this season, so going from ass to butt , or crap to shit, so Whedon et al may have though this was a series finale, instead of just the season ender.

Overall, these season was below average. D+. Maybe C -. Either way, Justified comes back on tomorrow and Raylan Givens is going to FUCK SHIT UP.

Buffy S5E21 Fellate of the Girl

In which Buffy gives up because she is weak because pressure breaks the weak or forges the diamond and rather than sparkling Buffy looks like a fat turd so I guess we know what she’s become.

Instead of totally giving up, though, Buffy gets up off her ass and goes after Glory. She has to think real hard too. She’s all like, “What does it mean to be a slayer? Hmm.....” And then she lets out this tremendous fart, BLLLLLLLLAAAAAATTTTT! It ripples it’s way all through her body. You can feel the thunderous wave of warm air pushed through her sphincter as her anus flops open and shut. “Well! Now that’s I’ve unleashed that boneshaking flatulence I’m ready to go fight that fucking bitch god!”

At least that’s how I think it happened, my memory may be a be suspect. I know it took a long time for Buffy to get going and then the rest of the teen geek party of butt sleuths prance around and do some shit but who fucking cares.

Last episode of the season is next and I already spoiled it. Guess I’ll just watch the latest episode of Lights Out on FX, the station that owns, and then more Larry Sanders. I LEAD A RICH AND SATISFYING THOUGH SEDENTARY LIFESTYLE.

Buffy S5E20 Spirailed by Some other Spy

In which Buffy holes up at a gas station and Xander’s like, hey guys, I got this, it’s self pump only, and I have A LOT of experience pumping myself off.

Looks like Buffy is really fucked now. Not only is that fucking bitch god Glory after her and her fake sister (who is now known by all the bad guys to be the key master, though no word on Gozar the Gozarian), but the god damn motherfucking Knights of Byzanthium are trying to fuck the ever loving shit out of them as well. Giles even gets a fucking arrow in the god damn face. Or his arm. Or something. I don’t know, it was a while ago.

All I know is ITS ARMAGEDDON AT THE FUCKING PUMP STATION BABY. There is some magic and stuff too and then the good guys win! No wait, wikipedia says Glory absconds with Don, Buffstar’s little sister. Which is a big deal. I guess.

I think this is the end of the Knights of Buttzamtians. Boy were they ever pointless and unnecessary and completely implausible. What a tarded up idea they were.

Ok, 2 episodes to go before this whole season ends and Buffy dies! Oh fucking shit I spoiled the dick out of this season.

Buffy S5E19 Tug Lump

In which Tara the lesbian witch is turned into a retarded lesbian witch.

Getting towards the end of the season and Buphoey is ramping up the stakes, specifically by having the main villain turn Willow’s girlfriend into a dribbling simpleton.

So I’ll go ahead and say it, I’m not a fan of this whole lesbian thing with those two. And this is not coming from any kind of anti-lesbian sentiments on my hand. Far from it. As Ali G once said, “I love you lesbians, I’ve got all your movies.” No, this is mainly because we spent the first 3 or 4 seasons being convinced that Willoe is your typical dorky teen girl with a gigantic unrequited crush on Xander (who is allegedly a male). Then she just switches teams because she feels an attraction to this new lesbian witch. So which is it, a choice, or a biological imperative? I fully accept that people are born with certain sexual proclivities (among many other personality traits). Was Wyllow supposed to have been a lezzie the whole time before? It didn’t seem that way, and that’s usually the first thing I think of whenever I see teenage girls on tv shows. I’m pretty much screaming it out every chance I get.

If they would have brought some other character on the show on whos’ carpet Tara could munch all day long, I would be fine with it. Hell I would stand up and applaud. But Willoh? I’m just not seeing it.

Anyway, Buffy McGee is still dealing with her Mom’s one way trip to oblivion. So where the fuck is Mr Buffy this whole time? I get that he’s a douche but he’d definitely come back for the fucking funeral of his ex-wife and mother of his 2 kids (even if one is a magically created figment. One would assume he got the fake memories just like everyone else).

And Spike is still being a galactic pussy. “I will prove to you Bufffy I’m more than a monster and that my love is real and that I’m not a total butt licking fuck face.” AAAH, wrong on all counts, limpdick, you totally blow now, shut up.

And something else about Glory the uber bitch god of bitches. I’m going to go watch some Larry Sanders on the fuckin Netflix.

Buffy S5E18 Intransvestite

In which rowbit Buffy gets stuffed by Spike's dead vampire ding dong.

Buffy has a racist aboriginal experience with the Slayer spirits of mescaline and the outback, while Spike takes out his hog meat and pummels it into the synthetic bergina of the Bufffy robot he had built. He forced a nerd to make him a Buffybot so he could fuck it’s fake pussy! How fucking weird is that?!? How much time did the extorted nerd spend on crafting the robot vag? How were the pubes handled? Does it stay moist 24-7, or did he program some sort of secretion to be released according to predetermined stimuli? Can Spike tell it’s a mechanical slit? If he thrusts to hard can he get his peener jammed up in some gears or shit? The whole thing is absurd, I can’t be the only person wondering this. ROBOT SEX IS NOT A SUITABLE SUBJECT FOR A FAMILY TV SHOW. You have to ask these questions and explore all the tangents otherwise you’re making an intellectually bankrupt show, and I know Whedon and the Buffy creators don’t want to be accused of going about this half assed.

Anyway, I remember this being a pretty decent episode. Plus I’m a sucker for rowbit stories, even if the gory details are left unexamined. Say, that’s a good maxim to remember. THE UNEXAMINED ROBOT PUSSY IS NOT WORTH BUILDING.

Buffy S5E17 Foreskinner

In which Buffy has a super sad dinner.

This was a whole ‘nother episode of sad Buffymen being sad about Mrs Buffandra being dead as Roosevelt. And then Mishelle Tractorburg fights a 3 headed dinosaur with Spike to get a precious egg and it’s delicious yolk meat.

Basically a real turd that I remember being super bored with. Probably resonated a whole lot better with the main fan base but I was just waiting for it to be over so I could watch more RAYLAN GIVENS FUCK UP KENTUCKY FOR SPORT AND PLEASURE.

US Marhsall, represent, motherfucka.

Here’s one line from my terrible original post (not that this one is any better), in which I got hungry looking at mini-Buff steal those succulent monster eggs: “Holy shit i would kill a man for an egg and cheese bagel. And some taylorham or bacon on that beyotch.”

Buffy S5E16 The Potty

In which Buffy’s mom is deader than Reagan.

See you in hell, Buffy’s mom.

So I’m writing these a few weeks after I saw this episode. I got sick of writing a bunch of bullshit about this bullshit show so I just watched a bitch load more episodes but didn’t write anything down. Well, I did for this episode and the next but I was so fucking drunk at the time that it doesn’t make any sense. Not even in like a funny drunk way, just a dumb, boring, drunk nonsense way.

So I’m going to look up the rest of the season on wikipedia and write some shit down and it’ll probably suck the shit but that’s just the way it is. Thing’s will never be the same. I see no changes, all I see are racist faces. All right, that’s enough of fucking that.

This episode was depressing as hell and was all about Buffy and the cooze crew dealing with Buffy’s dead ass mom (did I mention Buffy’s mom is a fucking corpse?). The whole show is pretty cavalier about death, with scads of teenagers biting it on a weekly basis. It’s good that they finally take this death seriously but it makes everyone seem a little disingenuous. They have schools, like here in DC, where several students die of unnatural causes and it’s not such a fun place to be around. It’s hell on earth but without all the smart ass jokes and rich white parents.

So Buffy’s mom dies from a brain aneurysm and NOW you what to make a big fucking deal about everything? Eh, watch as I frig off an imaginary weenus to show my fake concern.

Besides that it was a pretty all right episode. Dropped in the middle of regular drama it would be even better. Whatever, better than most episodes, if I remember right.

And here’s one line from my original aborted write up that I’ll leave in: “Bufffy’s fake little sister wants to blow up someone’s head with the power of her mind. Nice. We all do sister. All of us have want that.”

Buffy S5E15 I Was Spayed Two Nuts off

In which some creepily cheerful babe asks strangers if they’ve seen her friend Warren, unbeknownst to her that Warren is out looking for his baseball.

Super squad of dork bags in the mystery party spend like the first 15 minutes of the episode boring the living hell out of me. Spike’s a huge poos poos and can’t stop pining over Buffy’s butty and then he gets thrown through a window by a stupid rowbit. You knew it was a rowbit because the title refers to someone being “made” to love someone else. So we’re back to season 1 type shenanigans, are we?

On the otherhand, the characters make fun of the fact that it was obvious that the hot chick was a rowbit, so at least the writers get it.

One thing I will give this show credit for is finding attractive women to guest star. I’d like to use my wrench to tighten this rowbit’s gear’s if you know what I mean. I mean I want to fuck her mechanical pussy, all the way, dude.

Giles gets all Angry Dad on Spike. Angry Dad was one of the greatest inventions of Calvin & Hobbes. Better than Spaceman Spiff even. Angry Dad was the fucking shit. Reckanize.

If I had the resources to make a robot sex slave, you know what I would do? I wouldn’t. I’d use that money or sell the blue prints or whatever and pay for prostitutes. Or hopefully I’d just be rich enough at that point and I could just get laid anyway. And I especially wouldn’t install a combat mode in my sex robot like the schmuck in this show did. Why the fuck would you do that? That’s fucking dumb.

Nice pay phone and analog answering machine. Get a fucking moble phone you crumb bums.

A very boring monster of the week episode, treading water until the upcoming finale, I suppose. At least until the last minute, when Spike tells the guy who made the first sex rowbit to make him one of Buffy (do vampires not masturbate? It’s not that difficult to simulate sex with Buffy if you have a functioning hand and healthy imagination, you know. Technically I’ve had sex with Buffy many, many, many times), and Buffy discovers her mom, lying dead on a couch. Whoa, major bummage, dude lady.

Seriously, Buffy’s mom is dead as Michael Jackson. Pretty gruesome. No blood or gore but her eyes were open and shit. Least I think shes dead. I did read by accident that she definitely does die, so I assume this is it. Guess we’ll find out though, fucking won’t we?

Buffy S5E14 Crud

In which Spike throws his game at Buffy and she’s all like NO, I don’t want to scrubs, a scrub is an undead bloodsucking vampire bitch, hanging out the back of his crypt in a pile of shit, trying to penetrate me.

Dingus Xander shows off he awareness of the movie Evil Dead. That’s by far the coolest thing he’s ever done. About as cool as the train full of dead people they tease in the pre-credits opening. MOTHERFUCKING DETH TRANE IS METAL UP YOUR ASS, BITCH.

Spike has make this slit he’s sport fucking role play as Buffandra the Vampire’s Layer just to get a hard on. I’m partial to nurse or school teacher but whatever, at least he’s not dressing up as Tony the TIger.

How is it ok for Spike to call people poofter’s but not fags? Why is one more offensive than the other? I don’t get it. I really don’t. Like ok, he can say bleeding instead of fucking, but poofter is homophobic. So what the frig, man?

Buffy confronts Spike about his vampy crush and tells him to get fucked. She could have been way funnier and meaner, like been all, yeah ok, you want to touch my buns? And then we he goes for the goose Buffy turns around he shoves a big wooden stake into his chest and turns him into dust. Then squats over the dust pile and unleashes a frothy steaming column of piss on it. SSSSSSSSSSSSS the pee would go before dribbling down the drain. How’s that taste, Spike, you fucking stupid dick? HAHAHAH, she’d laugh.

Spike’s “maker” or whatever retarded terminology they use, Druhilla, returns and Harmony (Spike’s ho), wants to menagie. But Spike tells her to get fucked and says he’s back to being bad. But he still doesn’t kill Harmony, which is what a true bad ass would have done, so fuck that asshole Spike, what a pussy.

GOOD GOD WHAT IS THE NEW SHIT BAND?!? Just when I though they couldn’t get any fucking worse. Music in the 90’s wasn’t this bad, I am positive. How about some Helmet, or Matthew Sweet or even Corrosion of Conformity for god’s sake. Shit.

Hah, Spike calls Bufffy and Druzilla bitches. You go, dawg.

Spike’s got a sweet little mastubatorium set up with his Buffy J.O. shrine. I had one of those once for Alicia Silverstone during her Clueless days. Complete with candles and everything. It’s true.

And then there’s a fight or something and everyone goes up, except Spike still has an unrequited vampire boner for Buffbuff. A fine episode I suppose. Nothing terrible (except that fucking band). I would say it was “good” but the whole Spike/Buffy thing just reeks of fanfic.

Buffy S5E13 Pud Fries

In which fake little Buffy learns she’s a pathetic charade of a human and might a well go draw a warm bath and open a couple veins.

I feel asleep half way through this one but managed to at least turn it off right before I dozed off. Now, a week later, I’m picking this episode up where I left off, and I have no idea what’s going on. I’m also trying to abstain from caffeine today to get my sleep schedule back to normal. So what I’m saying is this is probably going to be a really boring recap. Hey at least I warned you.

Don’s PMS is really out of control today. Take some Motrin, will you?

I think this is supposed to be a allegory for kids being adopted and needing to know where they came from, since that seems to be Don’s problem. Being conjured from thin air is probably more traumatic than most real people’s adoption issues, but then I’m neither so it’s tough to make that kind of judgement.

Apparently there are 3 sides to Saltydale, center of the city, East side and West side. Um, yeah, that’s all I got. See, fucking boring, right?

I think the first half of this episode was all about Spike trying to woo Buffy like a spaz. What a dumb plot development that’s clearly strictly for the fanboys (fangirls more likely). Also I think I remember some shit about the Knights of Byzantium Society for Creative Anachronisms. And maybe some crap with the evil god from the bitch dimension (that was Buffy’s line, nice one Boophee!).

And then Dawnn Ba Dooby Dawn walks her skinny ass right into the clutches of super sexy hillbilly God Gloaree. Glorgy needs bigger boobs. That’s just my professional opinion as an professional FBI (Federal Booby Inspector) Agent. Holy fucking shit was that joke terrible.

Uh oh, looks like bitch god is going to kill fake little Buffy, but then lesbo witch twins throw glitter on her (no really) and speak Latin and teleport her miles away and miles above Los Angeles. Pretty unipotent god if you ask me. I mean talk about your chump styles.

Well now, that wans’t so fucking bad, was it? Yeah probably it was. Sue me.

Buffy S5E12 Chodepoint

In which there is a pedophile convention in Cunnydale and all the old wrinkly balls are invited to flop around and holy jeez I wanna lick ‘em.

HPIC (Head Pedo In Charge) is some old British person whom I’m fairly certain has been in other movies. YET I MUST RESIST THE URGE TO LOOK HIM UP ON THE INTERWEB OF SUPPER HI-WAYS. I got Kubiak in last episode without any help, I can do this too. I CAN DO THIS. IF YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN ACHIEVE.

It’s amazing that it’s that they haven’t delved deeper into the global Buffyverse’s Watcher/Slayer conspiracy by now, already 5 and half season’s into the show’s run. That’s fuggin teevee for you I guess. BEFORE THE SOPRANOS CAME ALONG AND FUCKED EVERYONE UP WITH A SHOTGUN BLAST OF SERIALIZATION RIGHT TO THE FUCKIN STUGOTZ.

FACT CHECK: Vikings did not sail to North America in the 1400s, Buffy, you thickheaded cow. Who is reading these scripts before they have the actors start reading them? Leif Ericson was in Vineland in like the 1200s, or earlier. And that’s ALSO without looking shit up on the cyber cables. Although I still haven’t figured out Not Rip Torn’s name yet so I’m still one for two. I feel like he died in some horror movie I saw, like 13th Gate or something. Fuck it, I’m looking him up. Oh yeah, he was the dirty cop in Scarface. That’s where I remember his death scene. I’M COUNTING THAT AS A HALF A POINT.

Quite the admonishment Giles received from Scarface cop. A real tongue lashing. A severe dress down. A STERN TICKING OFF. Basically Rip Torn’s brother made Giles his prison cell bitch. And not the anally raped against your will type, the kind that has to grow his hair out long, tuck his weiner between his legs and blow peen like its fun to do. THAT kind of bitch.

Why are the teen dork pack agents of mystery cooperating with this Watcher narcs? Buncha snitch bitches. Furthermore, just point to Buffy’s track record and say, OBJECTIVE DATA MUTHAFUCKAS, personal interviews yield mad dubious human capital allocations, YOU GET NOTHING BUT CONFIRMATION BIAS AND PISSED OFF PARANOID EMPLOYEES. Recognize my training as a master business administrator, you slugs.

Hey Buffy’s fake kid sister Dawn, I just thought off this: DON DON DON DON DON, DON BA DOOBY DON DON DON DON DON, DON BA DOOBY DON, WAH WAH WAH WAH-AAAAH.

A new fold on the clitoral hood of the Bufffyverse, the Ancient Order of the Knights of Byzantium. There are thousands of them, the captured guy with the forehead tattoo SWEARS. Oh my god you dolts, listen here good, THERE CAN BE NO ANCIENT ORDER OF THE KNIGHTS OF BYZANTIUM. The Byzantine Empire was a modern (relatively) term, coined in the Renaissance (or maybe later, again, this is with NO INNERNEBS) used to distinguish the older, Western half of the Roman Empire, centered in Rome, natch, with the newer, Eastern half that survived longer, whose capital city was Constantinople (now Istanbul, yeah I know the song, yadda yadda yadda). So you know what these ancient and noble Byzantine Knights from Byzantium would have called themselves? FUCKING ROMANS YOU GALLOPING STAMPEDE OF HORSESHIT. READ A FUCKING BOOK, JESUS.

Then Buffy tells the council so suck her perky tits and they all oblige. And now the council is GILES’ bitch.

And Glory(hole) the main bad guy is not a demon, she’s a god. Well don’t tell Vishnu, he’s gonna bet totes jelly of this one, what with Shiva already hogging the spotlight, that fucking slut, that fucking deity queen!

Buffy S5E11 Try Anal

In which Giles bollockses off to bleedin Angulland for some right good cunny now, i’innit?

Buffy’s punching with the back of her fist all the time. Poor form. You would get owned in the Octagon, bitch. Oh, look at that superman punch to the dome piece. And now a hammerlock submission hold and THE SLAYER IS KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT.

It also took me a while to realize but Anyam is totally Cordelya's smaller boobed replacement. She’s the prettiest one and gets all the funniest, bitchy female lines. But now her character is better because she’s saying weird bitchy shit because she’s an autistic demon, not because she’s a poorly defined stock character that constantly needs and excuse to be around the dork squad she supposedly despises (that would be Coredealya, natch).

Then they ripped off the “money can be exchanged for goods and services” line from the Simpsons in the stupid magic shop that should be out of business already. AW, BUT I WANTED A PEANUT.

Central American Geo Politics is not a course in any college. Writers, you can’t just add “geo” into a sentence and make it sound scholarly. If you want make up college courses for Buffy to discuss, look up some actual courses in a god damn course catalog you nimrods. Any college’s will do, they’re all pretty much the same.

Hey, I actually recognize one of the songs they’re playing in the background. Not like it’s a good song, mind you, just not a god awful hunk of garbage like normal.

Oh no, look out Buffy, incredible hulk the viking troll is out on the loose and sounds suspiciously like Kubiack from Parker Lewis Can’t Lose. They fight and he trashes the Bronzer. Good. And Spike cops a feel off Buffy. Hah. Nice. Oh and the Dandy Warhol’s “Bohemian Like You” was playing and that actually IS a good song. Hey, progress!

Better than last episode but then so getting violated with a pinecone.

Buffy S5E10 Into the Bad Bush which Joker Thinks is between Old Mama-San’s Legs

In which Buffy goes into the woods, which if this were Vietnam would be called the bad bush but Joker, who has never been in the shit, would think that it’s between old mama-san’s legs and HEY! we just did that one!

I know I take regular shits (now more regular since I switched to decaf) on this show and a lot of it is stupid, but for the most part I enjoy watching it. Enough at least to see this nonsense through to the end. However, this episode really was one of the worst things I have ever seen.

I try to keep my judgements of this show in perspective. It started over ten years ago on a shitty network getting shitty ratings with a target audience skewing decidedly young and with double the number of X chromosomes. And even though I make fun of the rubber suited monsters of the week and the hacky jokes and awful soundtrack (must not digress into bitchy tangent), I know that the show was operating on a different budget and production values than say, the Sopranos, to pick a contemporary.

BUT NONETHELESS, this episode really was a fucking piece of shit. I guess I could isolate my grievances to just the plot, but that would also be like saying a meal you just ate was allright except for the taste. Most of the storyline revolves around the need to write that Riley dude out of the show. I have no idea why they’re doing it, but I read on wikipedia that fans hated him. But they loved Xander and Spike probably, but who gives a shit about that (I looked it up in case I may have missed something, like it being a some big inside joke that I missed, or if the WB was having all thier shows imitate horrendous telenovelas or something).

I don’t want to exhaust myself rehashing the stupid, contrived, insulting plot points, but to try and summarize: Buffy is still letting Riley tag that ass, though not appreciating him enough, so he goes to a Vampire whorehouse and let’s a vampire suck some of his blood. Spike, who is now in love with Buffy, brings her to see it. Buffs and Riles then have a big fight and so Riley gives her an ultimatum, saying either allow him to fuck her AND care more about his feelings, or he’s rejoining the army that brainwashed and nearly killed him because they just so happen to have stopped by recently and asked him if he wanted to reenlist. Buffy was about to write the chode completely off when pud faced Xander convinces her to sprint after him and take him back, but Buffy arrives at the army helicopter take off pad just as Riley is pulling away, even though he never told Buffy where and when he was specifically leaving.

This vampire whore house is probably the most abominable plot contrivance I have ever been witness too. It makes zero sense. I’d explain how the writers try to shoe horn it in to the show and why they fail miserably at doing so, but thinking about it makes my head hurt. That and the entire script was written from a perspective of high school teenager’s Buffy fan fiction. And you know, maybe that’s exactly what they were going for and it really was secretly brilliant. I mean, shit, if it rallied the core audience and fed them the exact bullshit they were going for, shrewed move by the producers.

What it really reminded me though, was of the scene from Misery, when Kathy Bates lectures James Caan that the next book he produced was convalescing as her hostage would not do, so he’d have to start over and do it again. And what he submits next is a load of drivel that nonetheless makes his insane captor giddy with content. So what I’m saying is I fully expect Buffy fans to literally bash Joss Whedon’s feet in with a motherfucking sledgehammer if he ever tried to cancel the show in the middle of season.

I really liked that book too. It was one of the first Stephen King books I ever read it it blew my 7th grade mind. Especially when the dude has to drink his own pee. Now the concept is blase, what with Bear Grylls and Jackass and having done it myself many many times in college and all, but back then it was a truly horrifying concept to me.

The big news though is that this episode is officially and without a doubt THE WORST EPISODE OF THIS ENTIRE GOD DAMN SERIES. Lets all give it a grand round of applause.

Buffy S5E9 Glistening of Beer or Positioning the Spears

In which I accidentally look up some spoilers and find out the cancer eventually kills Mrs Buffy dead.

In another very special episode of fuckin Buffy, shit starts getting real when Buffy’s Mom’s shit gets totally fucked right the fuck up. She’s got soome serious medical problems, or in the parlance of Justin Long’s doctor from Idiocracy, her shit’s all tarded and she talks like a fag.

The pain and sorrow in Buffy’s chest stings deeper than any stake the Slayer could possibly plunge into the cold, blackened bosom of the vampires she viciously stalks. Whoops, there’s that fag talk we talked about.

Of course when someone asks the intelligent question of ‘why don’t magic that cancer out of Buffy’s fuckin mom already,’ we are treated to some made up bullshit about how magic and cancer and brains don’t mix. (and well yeah, of course it’s all made up, I’m just saying, this is contrived made up bullshit).

I don’t want to get too personal here, but back in high school my grandfather died when a cancer ate away his brain and obliterated his humanity long before it ceased his beating heart. Grandpa didn’t get turrets like Buffy’s mom apparently does but he slowly but surely when crazy to the point where you had to realize that the person you knew simply wasn’t there anymore. It obviously sucked and was sad as fuck but he was also a really old man with a shitty heart who had done more cool shit than many successful men combined so it wasn’t depressing, it was just fucking bullshit. Also religion is a bullshit superstition. Just sayin.

Christ, how the hell did we end up here? Anyhow, Buffy’s mom doesn’t die yet (You’ve been SPOY-ELLED!) and midgets in rubber slug costumes attack crazy people until Buffy stops them. And Xander made a joke about Mercury and Saturn cars and I’m like, NEITHER LINES EXIST ANYMORE DUMMY. And then in the year 2000 Xander felt like a total wad.

Next episode: no more talk of dead relatives and religion! Also, there are no dumb bells here, there are just my balls.

Buffy S5E8 Chateau Dildo

In which Buffy’s mom’s brain is filled with an unstoppable rebel force called cancer, probably put there by god as punishment for her unholy period blood.

Buffy’s mom is dying of cancer. Maybe. So they bring in the 12 year old and kill the milf? Well if teenage girls are your network’s target audience, I can understand the move, not that it makes it any less a stupefyingly terrible one. I mean the idea that you can create a human being out of thin aether and inject them into a family by magically altering their memories and it’s not totally fucked on every possible moral and ethical level? That’s totally fucked. But whatever, at least when Whedon made Dollhouse he went balls out on wack shit like that. Which reminds me that I need to watch that second season sometime soon.

Spike stole Buffy’s panties. Because once you develop a crush on someone that’s the next logical thing to do. That’s what everyone does when they have crushes. Memorize their class schedule, look up the style of sneakers they wear in the Eastbay catalog, scribble their initials in your notebook, and steal their skid marked underwear. Duh.

Here’s the problem with having a ‘real world’ medical problem in which a doctor gives your mom an almost one in three shot at survival in a show like Buffy: JUST MAGIC THAT CANCER OUT OF THERE AND GET ON WITH THE SHOW YOU DUMB BITCH. So stop it with your whining or I will go Kindergarten Cop on you. Oh but Pedophile Giles and the teen dork platoon festooned in gloom tell Bufffy that you can’t magic cancer out of human brains. Well isn’t that convenient. On the contrary, since Buffy’s mom is innocent of this crime, I’d assume she finds it decidedly INconvenient.

The crazy blonde evil babe created a snake man thing (no bear or pig, however), that looks an awful lot like the mutated Cobra Commander after he was exposed to the nasty spore plant thing in the G.I. Joe movie. Holy shit that was an awesome move. Sargent Slaughter is a king of men. Anyone who disagrees will be leaving here in a ditty bag. AN ITTY, BITTY, DITTY BAG.

Then Buffy tries to choke to death the innocent snake man created from magic and thrust without consultation into a life he didn’t create, just like Buffy’s fake sister, with a chain, in a scene reminiscent of Leia’s snuffing of the Hutt on his ill-fated pleasure skiff. When she fails to immediately kill the persecuted, differently enchanted snake person, she beats the poor bastard to death with her fists. Savage.

And Rileydawg is some sort of depressed slit who lost his testicles, or something. MORE JUSTIFIED PLEASE.

Buffy S5E7 A Stool for Loaf

In which it which it is revealed that Spiked used to be a massive pussy before being bleaching his hair and becoming a vampire.

I’ll be honest, not that I would have any reason to lie here, but anyway, I feel asleep toward the beginning of this episode and woke up for the last scene, where Spike and Buffy are friends now, or something. So I looked up the plot on the internet and it actually looks fairly interesting, pertaining to Spike’s origin and the last two demon killing poon queens he slayed. I’m not going to view it again though, because I downloaded the first season of Justified and it straight up fucking owns so now I have bigger fish to fry.

So I’ll never see the scenes from jolly old England where Spike transmogrifies from a foppish bellend to wise cracking cockney hellraiser. Which is fine, because watching him change accents for no fucking reason whatsoever would have infuriated me. Can you imagine if they tried that with American vampires? At first you sound like every other typical suburban douche bag but then you get bit and you turn into a country bumkin! Or you start saying you gotta wawk yer dawg aroun da mawl. It’s fucking ridiculous.

I’ll also never see the flashbacks when Spike kills two random slayers at two different times in history. Whatever. The whole wimp becomes bad ass origin story is played. I’ll give credit to Buffy for using it well before the dum dums at Marvel turns Wolverine’s character into a complete joke, but I don’t feel like I’m missing much.

Also all slayers have death wishes. Now this actually does sound interesting. I look forward to seeing a pathetic, depressed Slayer that has given up life, who hopefully decides to drink herself into oblivion, a la Leaving Las Vegas (which my one friend describes as his ‘Rocky’), in the ensuing episodes.

NOW TO WATCH MORE OF SETH BULLOCK MIXING IT UP WITH SHANE VENDRELL!

Buffy S5E6 Fartily

In which the lesbian witches have a big lesbian witch party.

Buffy’s fake little sister is here to stay, even though she is fake and made up and created by magic. Whatever. I don’t understand the point of adding the character to the show, maybe there will be a better explanation later.

Spike and Buffy didn’t actually make out before. It was just Spike imagining it while he pounds away at his dumb vampire girlfriend. Vampires still have sperms and orgasms, because we learn in a very subtle yet clever play on words, that when Spike imagines fighting Buffy and telling her to come and get him, to which Buffy replies (in his dream) that she is “cumming right now” the scene then cuts to Spike jizzing inside of his dumb vampire girlfriend. You want me Buffy? Then spooge and get me.

Main season 5 villain is the ditzy but nearly invincible demon babe who feeds off humans’ sanity, rending her victims batshit crazy. We also meet lesbian witch’s dad or something and HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT I AM GETTING SUPER BORED. I am going to switch to Justified after this. It better be awesome.

Lesbian witch has some family secret where she turns into something weird at the age of 20. I wonder what it’s going to be. Fish face? Wings of a bird? The many tentacles?

Hey is that Amy Adams calling goofy lesbian sorceress a selfish bitch? Why yes I believe it is. Nice. She is one attractive lady.

BUFFY EAT A GOD DAMN SANDWICH WILL YOU?

Goofy lesbian witch is part demon. And I’m half demon too. And anything bad you say about demons you’re saying about us. Mom, we’re part demon? Also, do you have any demon in you? Do you want some meaning my pieness in your bergina?

Another very special episode of Buffy about women’s lib and lesbians and demon blood as an allegory. Very, very boring. I suppose it was done fairly well but it did not hold my interest.

Buffy’s fake little sister says only losers drink alcohol. SHUT YOUR MOUTH BRAT, YOU KNOW NOT OF WHICH YOU SPEAK. And why can’t they ever show these two lesbian witches making out? I thought this was supposed to be an enlightened television program. WHO IS THE REAL HOMOPHOBE NOW, WHEDON?

I give it a C. Hopefully this season will get better but it’s been extremely meh so far.

Buffy S5E5 No Taste Like Stromboli

In which Buffy’s mom’s got beef but she’s scared to step to me, rip her guts out like a hysterectomy.

Holy schnikees I’m starving for a god damn stromboli, give me one of those fuckin things. Maybe some gabagoul, EY, OVAH HERE.

Giles put on his robe and wizard hat. Who does he think he is, bloodninja or something? I wonder if he knows how to cast a level 8 Cock of the Infinite spell.

Some new daffy blond teenage girl babe with super powers is going around fucking monks up. I guess that makes sense because guys will pretty much put up with anything as long as a chick is good looking. It really is like having super powers. You want a 12 dollar martini that you’ll only have 2 sips of? Well you have huge boobs so sure, coming right up. Need a stick of gum or a light bulb replaced or maybe a brand new car? Yes, for you and your breasts it would be my pleasure.

Giles makes for a shitty shopkeeper. He has no idea how to run a business. First of all, where’d he get a loan to fix up a place that’s be subjected to multiple murders? Banks aren’t going to see that as a sustainable business model. And you’d never be able to get insurance. Furthermore, being as how Giles is the only employee, he’s going to have to open irregular hours, and thats going to turn off customers. There’s no way that street gets enough foot traffic to produce enough sales to cover his overhead. Even if he’s got favorable lease terms, he’s still got utilities. The monthly nut on a triple net lease you’d expect to pay on a place with that many square feet (many of which are wasted on that giant back room training center, which generates ZERO revenue by the way), is still got to be several thousand bucks a month. And who’s supplying his inventory? A first time store owner is not going to get a decent credit line on new merchandise. SERIOUSLY, THIS SHOW IS SOOOOO UNREALISTIC.

Also, what has been going on this episode? Because I have been paying like zero attention. On the other hand, season 1 of Justified is almost done downloading (LEGALLY of course).

Is Buffy supposed to be high, or tripping? I guess she meditated or some shit and now she figured out that the younger sister that’s never been mentioned on the show before is some sort of impostor. Demon, mixed up alternate realities, an aborted featus that survived and is now back for revenge? My money is on a mannequin come to life, like from that movie, Man’o’kin.

Spike’s got a crush on Buffy and goes from hundreds of years old stone cold killer with an attitude to bumbling dickheaded spaz. Yeah, why not. Who gives a shit about characterization anyway.

I’m not really following this plot. Some monks made a key to another dimension and then turned her into Buffy’s kid sister. That’s the best way they could think to write in a younger sister? And now you have a sister that you must care about and treat as real BECAUSE OF MAGIC. She’s less human than fucking Pinocchio. Fuck that brat. An abomination and an affront to God is what it is. May the Lord smite these blasphemous bitches with righteous fury and vengeance.

Pretty lame overall. All though I guess it’s better than cybo Frank N Stein and his floppy disk drive of doom. Barely.