Buddy the Vag Portion Splayer: Inna Final ANALysis

In which I wrap up my entire Buffandra Does Cunnydale experience in one post because someone elected me pope of this dump and made my opinions SOOOoooOOO special!

Well, I really did do it, didn't I? The whole fucking Buffy televisional cannon in under 5 months. Oh, right, except for the 5 seasons of Angelo, the pussy vampire with the heart of gold. Well fuck him, he doesn't count. He's a massive skid mark anyways.

But inna final analysis, was it all worth it? To be bluntz, no, not really. I mean, I enjoy writing and jagging of on this blog, but the tv show was never close to worth the hype. Despite being a pretty big nerd, I never quite understood the obsessive fanboy stuff. I don't want to write the whole phenomenon off as a bunch of social mitfits who need to stop watching vampire shows and go get laid (except for the ladies, why not have a drink and relax, baby?), but maybe just start with watching OTHER, BETTER shows, you know?

But whatever, some people think Night at the Roxbury is a shitty movie (though usually they are communists and country music fanatics) so to each their own.

So one of the reasons I wanted to watch the entire series was the shorthand the show developed over the years that has permeated other arenas of pop culture, like "The Big Bad" and other dumb shit that I ignored. But that argument turned out to be shit. They weren't new ideas, they were just relatively uncommon ideas that a spastic fanclub assigned painfully corny names too. Like the Scooby Squad. Motherfuck the Scooby Squad.

The other reasons I was lead to believe made Buffy worth getting into was the rapier's wit of Whedon's trademark quip-o-rama dialogue and the impressive monster manual of demonology. Both of those also turned out to be over rated. Not altogether worthless, but not worth, fuck, how many hours of watching? 144 episodes at 75% of an hour a show, so 108 hours? Fuck my urethra that a lot of fucking tv. Good thing I have no life.

Despite all the gripes (too numerous and tedious to recount now - HOWEVER I will point out that the constant reference to Willow's witchcraft as wicca was fucking infuriating. INFURIATING.), I was often genuinely entertained by Joss Whedon's most substantial oeuvre to date. It's originality and ambition is reason enough to thankful for it's existence. And it's influence on mainstream programming and it's continual push towards increasing integration of speculative fiction should not be discounted. It's probably too much to say there'd be no Lost if it weren't for Buffy, but Lost is also absurdly over rated, why fucking quibble?

Going forward, there are a bitch load of comics, including 40 issues of SEASON 8, that I already looked up on wikipedia and will be otherwise ignoring (SPOILER ALERT, Willow s demagitized, Angel turns bad, a-fucking-gain, and Giles gets killed like a fratlord on a can of beast light), AND there is going to be another series of comics called SEASON 9, that I will likewise ignore, save the occasional update on wikipedia that the legion of Whedonites will no doubt be promptly posting. Otherwise I'm 99% sure this is the end of my tango with the sharp nostriled vampire slaughterer and her clutch of dorkwad companions. So, anyway, shit, is this wrapping sounding really boring or is it just me? Probably me I need to stop. Which is fine, because I need a fucking haircut anyway.

So long fucking Buffy, I'll see you in my erotic dreams. Au revoir Eliza Dukshu, I'll see you when I start watching the second season of Dollhouse eventually, but in the meantime also in my erotic dreams. Alas, farting is such sweet sorrow. THTHTHTHPPPPPPLLLLTTLTLTLT!

Buffy S7E22 Joe’s Anus

In which we finally wrap up this fuggin tv series of Buffy, the fuggin van tire changer.

Ruh-roh, evil preacher man is not dead, but in fact has blacken, bloody eye balls and asks Buffy if she’s ready to finish this, bitch. And Buffy’s all like, I’m steal eating motherfucker, get your own food. Bitch.

Angel has super duper powers but Buffy tells him to get lost and that she’s dating Spike, so fuck you, my man. Also Buffy slices evil preacher man up from balls to brains and then says “he had to split,” taking a line from the Ahnald Schvatzenegga’s school for cheesy bad guy epitaphs. “Nice balls, fuckface,” is the line I would have gone with.

“It’s pretty radical, B,” sez Faith regarding Buffy’s plan to beat the bad guy. “Totally tubular, yo, thats fuckin righteous, dude.” Holy fucking shit Eliza Dukshu’s boobs look amazing in that tank top. Her dialogue, however, is some of the worst I’ve ever heard though. And I’m not exaggerating in the slightest. In bragging about her sexual prowess, she claims to be “rock ‘em sock ‘em.” Thats just fuckin terrible. How do those lines even get written. Faith is the anti-Anya.

Team dork squad is playing D&D and they mention Trogdor the Burninator. I’ve been wondering what Homestar Runner has been up to these days. Not enough to actually go to the website. Maybe after this show. As for the gaming, for god’s sake, Mark, this is ADVANCED.

Twenty minutes of Buffy left. The final battle is I guess going to take place in the Stonkydale High School. Hopefully it won’t be as big of a let down as the end of season 3. Probably will though. Shit’s fucked up. Fuckin wack ass shit.

But Buffy’s plan fails and the first evil is unleashed all over the planet, turning it into a giant dump. Whoopsies. Actually the plan is to turn all women in the world into super hero slayers, even the fatties.

Oh no, Buffy is going to die again. For the 3rd time. Jesus is that all they can think to do with this show? Kill the title character? But Buffy’s actually not dead and then Spike’s magical pendant kills all the vampile’s with magical beams of light.

What, what the fuck? Anya is dead? Suck a dick, that is bullshit. Spike is also dead, I think, having been burnt to cinders. So that kind of cancels things out. And then most of the city is sucked into a giant sinkhole straight to hell. The end.

Yep, that’s it. Sunnydale is a smoldering crater and its all over.

WE DID IT YOU GUYS. WE REALLY DID IT.

Buffy S7E21 Smegma Toupees

In which that bomb that was about to blow everyone up blows everyone up.

Holy frijoles, almost done with this fucking beyotch. Are a shit ton of slaybies about to be blowed up? Is Buffy going shove that battleaxe right up Nathin Fillyun’s terrible accented ass? Wait, his ass has accents? Like special coloring or highlights? Yes it does. I know this for a fact.

The answer to both questions is actually no. At least so far. Most of the slaybies survive and Buffy runs off with her new axe without slicing Mr Preacher man bad guy to pieces. Cut that motherfucker, bitch, what are you waiting for? A graved invitation?

Buffy’s new slayer axe, which looks like it could double for an axe of the heavy metal solo shredding variety, is really good at killing rubber suited Nosferatu van tires.

One belt of scotch and geekwad Andrew is too tipsy to drive? Fuggin noob.

Xander keep rockin the eye patch. I guess he doesn’t have time to get a class eye. Now he looks like a big stupid pirate. The following movie is rated, AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! I can’t wait to see live in concert the band GWAAAARRRRRRR! My favorite actress of all time is Terri GAAAAARRRRRRRR!

Xandur, no one is going to call you Cyclops, because Cyclops is the best X-Man you are are a bumbling retard. A good joke to make for this Leela faced goon would be “Hey asshole, now you can hang out with a bunch of greasy dago Eyeties with your one eye, pussy.”

Uh oh, the preacher bad guy just has his voice artificially modulated an octave or two lower. That means he really want to commit murder way more than before.

Some boring ass conversation between Buffy and Spike where I think Spike just admitted that he loves cuddling. He may be a bloodthirsty vampire but he also loves spooning. Little known fact: when two fatsos spoon, it’s called ladleing .

Then Buffy takes her fucking axe to some fucking cave and meets some white haired old lady. “You pulled it out,” she says, right as the dude was spooging all over her, but was talking about Buffy fuckin axe and not the ejaculating guy. Then evil preacher man snaps that creaky broad’s neck. So she’s dead. Whoever the fuck she is.

Then we find out why Zander chloroformed Dawng. On Buffy’s orders. Why didn’t he just use a forgetmenow? I guess cause he’s not a magician, I’m sorry I mean an illusionist. However, he is a clown, so perhaps a ragged soaked in ether is probably more appropriate. Then Dawng tazes Xandur. Bro.

Then pussy Angelo comes back. What a pussy that guy is. I’m glad I never watched any of his fucking shows.

Then Buffy slices the preacher’s guts out and frenches Angelo, much to the dismay of pussy Spike. We now join the world’s greatest pussies for the last episode of Buffy ever.

Buffy S7E20 Tookus

In which there is a whole room full of girls but all I hear is a bunch of yappin. Blah blah blah, DONT TELL ME MY BUSINESS DEVIL WOMAN.

Remember, in the Stand, where Stephen King was like, well, I’m not sure what else to do in this book so while all the protagonists are sitting around this house, I’ll just blow it the fuck up? (SPOILER ALERT!) Well that’s what should happen in the beginning of the episode, when all the c words are just flappin their gums like a bunch of useless cunt lips, as Jack McCall, better known as the coward that killed Wild Bill Hickok, would say when he was on the hit television Western and vulgarity indulging masterpiece, Deadwood. That show was the fucking best thing ever to grace the erf. E-R-F.

Wilload’s new mexicalilezi is a really pushy BEE EYE ITCH.

So pedophile Giles just lasso’d and hogtied a fucking guy? Where did you learn those smooth moves, Giles, PEDOPHILE SCHOOL???

Schpike loves Buffandra and Faif dumps on Boofie so Sbige and Phayth smack each other around. I like how this show teaches kids that you and your friends can punch each other in the face all day long and neither your face nor your hands will suffer any bruises or cuts. YEAH COOL LETS DO IT.

Then Giles murders the fuck out of some guy who has his tongue cut out and his eyes sewn shut and his liver removed and his bowels kicked in and his butt sawed off and his dongus splayed in twain. Well actually only those first two things. Reminds me of Robin’s song as he went to face the Black Knight in Holy Grail. YES MONTY PYTHON JOKES ARE STILL GOOD. NERDS RULE THE WORLD.

Hey Buffy! I can see your black bra through your white shirt! Not that I’m complaining.

Spycke and Buphie are having a long ass boring conversation about their feelings. Frig, get on with it already. I understand why this show has scenes like this, target audience, yadda yadda yadda, but this is some seriously sappy shit. Hey, dig my alliteration. Fuck yeah 9th Grade English class!

Now Faith and fake Principal Blackmon are having a long, boring ass conversation in a bedroom. Just skip to the boning already. Fuckin god damn.

If I were an actor, my sex scenes with Eliza Dukshu would go so smoothly. Instead of having an awkward, unweildy boner tripping us up the whole time, I’d be perfectly flaccid, because I would have came in my pants like 20 times already while walking to the set just thinking about the scene. It’s true, I am a generous lover.

Now Mexislaybie and Willow are talking and smooching in bed. I am not even listening anymore. Just get to the hot thesbian action.

And they finally get to some fighting. Two simultaneous fights, and theyre both pretty weak. One is a mass flashlight strobe party between the slaybies and eyes sewn shut robed cultists, and the other is a lamely choreographed Buffie v Awful Accent Nathan Fillyun. Need a bigger SFX budget, please.

And the episode ends with Buffy finding an ax (which I recognize from the last issue of the comic series Buffy, Season 8 - they did 40 issues of that bitch - during my trip to the comic store today, which proves that I am a complete and total loser) and the slaybies find a bomb with shit loads of dynamite and 8 seconds left on the clock. You know what would have been a more effective bomb? One that didn’t warn the people you were trying to blow up that they still had 8 seconds left to run away from the blast zone. Why would anyone ever put a big digital countdown clock right there on the front of their bomb? It makes no sense. But don’t ask me, it’s not like I’m some bomb expert or something. Also, glad to see they’re taking Stephen King’s and my advice to heart.

Man that was a really boring episode, but I assume that was to purposefully set up the final two. Still, this was more drowse inducing then all the Nyquil I’ve been chugging lately. So now bedtime for bonzo. Thanks for the extremely torpid 44 minutes, Buffy,

Buffy S7E19 Veiny Planks

In which Xander doesn’t think of it as loosing an eye, but gaining a house full of fawning, sympathetic, underage sluts.

It’s about time these Corkyromanodale jagovs realized that their town is a stupid place filled with rubber suited demons and quippy breakdance fighting vampiles and started getting the fuck out. It only took, what, 9000 murders? That’s a little more than it would take for me to move. White people left Newark when there were only, what, 2 murders a day? Proportionally Chloedale has to have that beat. So these racist honkies prefer demons to black people. Disgustipating.

Has Sarah Michelle Gellar started smoking? Her raspy voice sounds like Lindsey Lohan’s diseased colon felchted out a conversation. Also, Willow can do Jedi mind tricks now? These aren’t the droids you’re looking for. Move along. I have a dumb butt for a face and I drink my own pee. That last one is just what I would make people say if I had Jedi powers, if you couldn’t tell.

Is it me or is Mexican lesbian slaybie the best actor on this show now? My darling princess Eliza never did a very convincing tough girl, but her and Gellar are both decent enough where I don’t think it’s just her looking good in comparison.

Malcolm the preacher bad guy still does a fucking terrible hillbilly accent. He also has a Beiber doo. He does a good job fucking Buffandra the fuck up.

Wannabe Blink 182/Weezer band at the Bronzorz is easily not the worst band ever on this show, yet for some reason Dawng still calls them a sign of the impending apocalypse. The lead guitarist is also rocking the Zakk Wylde bullseye guitar, so thats bonus points for me. Hell thats an automatic passing grade from me. Shut the fuck up, DAWNG, you fuckin BEATCH.

Fathe and the slaybies just beat the shit out of a bunch of cops. I SMELL BACON.

Spike knows how to make a Bloomin Onion. EAT UP, BEATCH. I was actually never that big of a fan of the awesome blossom, or just onions in particular. Even onion rings. SHIT EVEN FUCKIN FUNYUNS. But french fries with mayo? FUCK YEAH BABY NOW THATS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. SHIT.

The slaybies and pedophile Giles and basically everyone is dumping all over Boofie. Plop plop plop plop.

This conversation is boring as fucking shit. Shut up you spastic bitches. All of you, shut your mouths, now.

That ending was a fucking snoozefest. And even though I would like to fall asleep right now I’m too bored to do so. SO BORED I CANT EVEN FUCKIN SLEEP. So Faith is in charge of the slaybie army and Buffy walks away crying. Any show that ends with someone slowly and tearfully walking away with sad music in the background is not for me. WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THAT ANYWAY. Also Xander’s line about Buffy’s point being over to the left because he can’t see it (BECAUSE HIS LEFT EYE WAS GOUGED OUT) is beyond awful. IT IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF AWFUL WHICH WOULD MAKE IT GOOD AGAIN YET IT STILL SUCKS. A paradox of quantum semantics.

Ok, 3 more episodes to go. Well shit in my soda we’re almost done.

Buffy S7E18 Turdy Girls

In which Faith comes back with the T&A that launched a thousand boners.

Normally I like to write these things while hyped up on coffee, despite probably sounding like a stupid drunk regardless of whether or not I’ve been boozing (though I won’t lie, I do like the sauce). Anyway, this time I took a plus sized dosage of nyquil to try to make sure I pass the fuck out and get rid of this god damn cold. So what I’m saying is this might suck even more than usual, which is saying a lot for the standards I usually keep.

Oh hey it’s fucking Malcolm friggin Reynolds from the ship the fuckin Serenity and that TV show, friggin Firefly. Good show. Don’t think it was necessarily spaz worthy but still good. Usually better than Buffandra.

Anyway, MalPal is an evil priest with a shitty redneck accent and he just murdered some ho with a super big knife. He said she was common street trash and deserved it though, and I’m inclined to believe him. It’s captain Malcolm Reynolds, after all.

Oh and fucking my lovely princess Eliza Dukshu is back in all her radiant beauty and phlegmatic nonchalance. I fell asleep during the last 15 minutes of the last episode so I may have missed the cliffhanger where she returns. They normally like to do that kind of shit. Fuckin hang a hot piece of ass right off a cliff there at the end. Holy shit she is a pretty lady.

Xander is totally haviing a wet dream right now. Que the akward wake up moment...well ok they just made it an obvious dream with the panty pillowfight and then he woke up. Then he declined to get out of bed and join the rest of the dork squad because he had a raging mega huge boner.

I’d like to dream about Eliza Dukshu and Eliza Cuthbert having a pillowfight in their panties tonight. Also Avril Lavigne. That new song of her’s is all right. What the hell. Thats the name of the song,

My fuckin shoulder hurts. Doesnt this bullshit Nyquil have Advil in it or something? LAME.

Faith and Spike fight because they each think the other one is bad, but they’ve both actually gone good now. Also pussy Angel has also gone from bad to good and back and forth a few times so I guess MAYBE ITS TIME TO USE A NEW GIMMICK IN YOUR FUCKING SHOWS MR WHEDON. JUST A SUGGESTION.

Oh wait its Elisha Cuthbert not Eliza. Whatever, still hot. Still want to see that hot girl on girl action.

Hey what got canceled first, this show or Firefly? Or Angel? Did they all end at the same time? I could look it up but what do I look like, some fuckin tv reporter?

Hey it’s fucking Spock. I think this Nyquil is finally kicking in.

Why is Spike laying on his cot, chained to it with all his clothes off, just siting and posing with his rippling muscles all bulging out and looking tough and badass and sexy? Wait, scratch that last one. But thats what the this show does. Show off hot vampire bod for all the little teenager whoors to get all hot and bothered about. And Faith is there to trade sexy banter with him. But it’s not sexy, its fucking retarded PG 13 overly cute and quippy nonsense. They sound dumb as hell. If some girl told me she wanted to get her “naughty on” I’d be like, quit babbling you stupid bitch. Hah, no I’d do whatever she wanted to get laid, but I’m just saying its a bad line.

Buffy needs to test the new slaybies out. Lucky for her, MalPal is here to be the Monster of the Week. No rubber suit though. He’s all tough guy and terrible accent.

Oh my god my nose is so fucking stuffed up. This blows. God damn you mucus and boogers. You fucking suck a thousands dicks straight to hell. Eat all the shit and die.

Then there’s a big fucking fight in the fucking wine cellar. What I would be like is all, Bam, pow, kick, glug glug glug punch, slam, chug chug chug slice, wham, belch, drunk, punch, fall down, piss pants, choke on vomit, expire. Yea, great fight by me.

Man how difficult most it be for the MalPal actor to pretend that he’s able to viciously savage all these 90 pound teenage girls in a fight. He kills two slaybies and sends a bunch more to the hospital. Then he gouges one of Xander’s eyes right now. Pretty solid butcher’s bill Mal Pal. This is a WOUND. THIS IS A KILL!

So only 4 more episodes to go and this guy is fucking everyone up like its fun to do. My guess is that this series will end with all of Sundaedale being murdered. That would be a great ending. Why not? the show’s over, who cares?

Buffy S7E17Fries Your Parents Sold Me

In which Nubian Prince Slayer Afro Queen and Robin’s mom is remembered fondly by her kid, even though she gave him a girls name.

God damn it, I didn’t write this one concomitant to viewing either. SHIT.

OK lets just go right to Wickermanpedia. Well this is as succinct a write up as I could ever come up with. Straight from the mouth of anonymous internet volunteers: “The gang investigates Spike's trigger; Principal Wood and Giles team up without Buffy.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself. Thanks Wackasspedia.

From what else I can tell, this was mostly about Spik remembering his stupid mother, who was a dirty, dirty, whore, and then a fight between Principal Blackmon and Mr. Spike. Spike wins, but he doesn’t kill the principal because the cockles of his no longer black heart have been stoked with a white hot burning passion which yearns for sexual congress with Bufrey Simbers. Without Biffy’s sweet sweet poonanny, Robin the freelance demon stonker would surely be motherfucked straight to hell.

I think that’s it. Also Dances with Wolfs is a pretty decent movie. And great shots of the American frontier. Real beautiful country. Great job with that manifest destiny thing, 19th century Americans. You real went and got that shit. WHAT THE WHITE MAN WANTS, THE WHITE MAN GETS.

Also good to see a young and totally bonable President Rosyln as the spunky adopted white girl, Kicking Bird. Or as she says it: Kig Ink Buuurd. Oh no wait her name is Stands with Fist. Whatever. And obviously John Dumb Bear owns. Although he’s a little too naked too often for my tastes.

Fuck I want to go hunt some fucking bison! Maybe I can find some noble dirt worshipping indigenous savages to teach me!

Buffy S7E16 Orgysmellers

In which that twerp better get that camera out of Frank Castle’s face before he makes him eat it.

Is this whole episode going to be narrated by this chode? The former evil geekwad Andrew? Hah, no, Anya interrupts Anjru as he narrates into a hand held camera in the bathroom, pretending like he’s on some master’s piece theatre. Then Anya asks why doesn’t he spend all his time in the toilet pleasuring himself like everyone else does. Haha, that made me laugh. Also the thought of Anya diddling her twat in the bathroom is incredibly sexy. Anya, if you need any extra fingers in there, just let me know. I think I need to go spend some time in the bathroom myself now.

Bitches love cereal. This is a fact according the Buffandra Show.

I forgot how gnarly Dark Wilload’s varicose veins were. Don’t they have a cream for that? Unless she wants to become an elementary school teacher, in which case she should keep them, as I’m pretty sure they’re a prerequisite for employment.

Haha, fake principal Blackmon has a “flesh” colored band aid on his head. Try again, Band-Aid™.

Wacky shit is going on in Countrytime High School, just like the first 3 seasons, except all at once. One kid even explodes. I mean literally. Kaboom. Now he’s all Huey Louie and the Gooey Kablewie. Remember that one from Calvin and Hobbes? I thought of it probably because they slaybies were eating a box of Sugar Bombs. Why they weren’t of the chocolate frosted variety is unknown.

The whole former evil geekwad as unreliable narrator/mockumentarian works pretty well. I’m enjoying a greater percentage of the show than usual anyway. The cutaway gags aren’t as good as Family Guy or 30 Rock (at least when those shows are clicking) or even Scrubs, but it’s still all right.

Condordael High is doing a very convincing impersonation of Eastside High. Where is Crazy Joe Clark when you need him? Sams! Sams!

When is stabbing a guy to death not murder? When you’re just trying to scratch his back from the front. Hey, another decent line. Another point for the Buffandra Show writers! Huzzah!

Only the tears of a frightened former evil geekwad can slow down the Hellmouth, so Buffy pretends she is going to stab asshole Andre with a knife so he’ll cry on the seal and close it up. Me, I would have required the piss of a terrified spaz to get the job done, and then held a phone book to his chest and shot him with a low powered hand gun in order to get the water works flowing. Seriously, this show just does not have enough piss in. Not by a long shot.

Buffy S7E15 Get that Pud

In which Buffy trips balls with some mystical aboriginal dudes of the African lands.

The dorks open a portal to the olden days with some magical sundial and the Buffy learns that the very first slayer was created by some ancient African geezers. Then she tells them to all go fuck off. Then Willow does some fucking magic and Spike beats up a fucking demon and theyre all stlll going to fucking die in a hell storm of hell fire from hell. Hell hath no fury like hell, you know.

After looking it up on Whoopedia, thats most of it again. This is an origin episode where the writer’s finally get off their lazy duffs and get around to explaining why the fuck slayers exist and all the other raison detrees for the whole series. Something about voodoo and taking some evil and putting it in little girls to help fight evil. I dunno, all sounds like more not so subtle pedophilic overtones if you axe me.

And while Buffylo 66 explains everything with expository scenes and ooga booga campfire dances, a demon is also on the loose to give the show the minimum required fight scenes per episode. And S-club Pike saves the day! Hooray for tenderhearted vampiles and their good will toward huge manatees!

And there’s a bad ass scene where one of the slaybies calls it a life and hangs herself in the bedroom. Come on, slaybie! Pull! Pull! You mean to tell me you can’t do one single neck pull up? You are a worthless piece of shit, recruit! Get outta my face!

That’s about all I can think to talk about. Plus my caffeine buzz is wearing off. It’s also Saturday afternoon so I’ll probably just start drinking. Hey look, Dances with Wolves is on Epix. Nice. John Dumb Bear is a true American hero. Ta fucking Tonka motherfuckers.

Buffy S7E14 First Date Rape

In which all the team dork squad detectives learn the delightful pleasures of rohypnol, GHB and ketamine, and a fun time was had by pals.

Everyone goes on shitty dates. Buffy and fake principal Onyx Blackmon reveal secrets to each other. Also Spike killed Blackmon’s mom, who was once a slayer, way back in the swingin disco days.

That’s the shit I remembered without looking at wikipedia. Now let’s see what the free online ensucklopeepeeah has to say about episode Forteenbras.

Yeah not much else. I think that just about covers it. So while I have some space to fill and am still sufficiently caffeinated from this morning, I want to talk about another second tier network tv show that also stars an adorable, diminuative, blond, wisecracking, teenage mystery solver, Nervonica Marsh. I mean Veronica Mars.

This show came on right after Buffylo Bills went off the air, and it’s pretty clearly superior in just about every way. I’m only 1.5 episodes into Mars, but just by glancing at the list of songs used in the pilot makes it obvious. Buffandra’s song selection is reliably shitty. Beyond shit. It’s pure fucking ass. Meanwhile, allow me to just name a few of the artists featured in the first episode of Harmonica Bars: Air, The Dandy Warholds, Gandmaster Flash (specifically his classic track, White Lies), Death in Vegas, The Streets, Blue Oyster Cult’s Don’t Fear that Fuggin Reaper. And that’s just the awesome shit that I ken from my limited scope of dope musical acts.

Then there’s the fact that the show was created in written by Rob (not that one) Thomas. The guy who created Party Down, easily one of the best half hour comedies ever. If you have Netflix and you haven’t devoured the much too brief two seasons of that show (it’s less than 10 total hours for frig’s sake) then you basically hate having fun and don’t like being entertained.

But whatever, you do what you want with you life.

I could go on, but this is ostensibly a blog about the goings and cummings of the residents of Sanctumsanctorumdale, and not the Rob (Fuck Matchbox Fuckin Twenty) Thomas fanclub blog.

Let’s see what the fuck I remember from next episode!

Buffy S7E13 The Boner up in My Guts

In which Buffy finally thinks to call her ex-boyfriend, who works for the government and their elite, highly trained and futuristically equipped crack division of demon killers, to help her fight the demons that are about to fuck Sorghumdale straight to hell. Well what the hell took you so long, bitch?

I swear I had been wondering why the hell Buffy hadn’t thought to ask whatshisface and the Initiative for help with the impending hell on earth thing about to happen. They spent a whole terrible season ruining all the momentum from a pretty decent 3rd season trying to expand the Buffandraverse into new, governmental conspiracy territory and failing. Try as they might, they had to acknowledge its existence, and so they do, but it turns out the Initiative abandoned Sortiedale and they don’t get involved. How convenient, writers.

Also the dead spirit of Warren, or this Fooshman character, I forget, posses Willow and even makes her look like her. Basically so they could bring that actor back for an episode after killing him last season. They do that a lot on Buffy. Work backwards from an idea. Like, they say, hey, lets have these two characters switch places because it would be funny, and they concoct some wack magical reason for it to happen. Then a writer will ask the obvious, well why don’t they just magic back to normal when they do this. And then some other writer will say, um, because of this OTHER magical made up reason.

I’m not saying you get make shit up as you go when you’re doing a show about a teenaged blond goblin killer and her merry band of mystical doofuses, I’m just saying there are less hacky ways to go about things.

Oh, look mister high and mighty nit picker supreme, passing judgment on a low rated network show for high school kids. I must be mister perfect to be making such critical assessments of a fun show beloved by legions of rabid fans. Well, yes, I guess I am. Thank you.

Probably I shouldn’t watch this show or write these things up after watching Breaking Bad, a show that is innovative, gripping, profound, hilarious and nearly flawless in every way. A true masterpiece. Where once there was just the Sopranos, the Wire and Deadwood, now a newcomer to this pantheon of serial televised titans. A collection of worthies unparalleled in excellence and entertainment. If these shows had dongs, I’d slobber every last one of them. I would, however, draw the line at allowing these shows to slowly yet forcefully enter me from behind.

Huh? What the shit am I going on about? Anyhow, Giles also leads a tribe of Slaybies out into the desert because they don’t want to pay all those actresses to be in every episode. Man, this guy Giles is just begging to have a Chris Hansen led intervention. Getting rid of the other slaybies frees rad lesbian slaybie Kennedy, the best of all the MTV VJs, to get Wilload back on the clam train, and now the show has lesbians again. Nice.

Buffy S7E12 Poop Ten Shells

In which I watched a whole bunch of Buffy’s without simultaneously writing them up so now I have to do them all from memory and wikipedia so expect these to all suck and not include any details because I am supremely lazy and I spent last week hunting and slaughtering a whale with my bare hands and I have the photographic evidence to prove it.

I must have missed the part where they explain why there are ass loads of Slayer babies, or slabies, as I so cleverly call them, popping out of the stucco. But anyway, now Buffy and team dork squad are out looking for the newest Potential, as the show so lamely calls the slaybies. They think Dawng is a slaybie, but then she is not. Then the episode ends.

Hey I told you these would be sucky. Lets see what wikipedia sez.

The cold opening makes it look like Spike is hunting and killing the slaybies, but really he’s just training them. What a swell twist, I was totally thinking things were a certain way, but then it turns out they were a very different way. Super job, tv show!

There’s also a Beetlejuice homage in the middle of the show. Who doesn’t love that movie? Beetlejuice is the tits. I even watched the miserable Saturday morning cartoon they made. I didn’t give a shit, I was seven. And how badly did I want to have sex with Winona Ryder? I didn’t even know what sex was, but I still knew I wanted to have it with Lydia. I’ll save you from the soul crushing ennui of banal country life my buttercup. Just let me regale you with wanton tales of the Gummi Bears and Fraggle Rock to remind you of your blissful former life in the big city. Then we can be together forever and listen to Harry Belefonte and his rockin Calypso beats until the end of our lives. That was my plan anyway.

And then at then end of the episode Xander tells Dawn not to be so sad that all the other girls have gotten their periods and adult sized knockers and slayer powers and not her, because he’s a pathetic nobody with no skills, ability or knowledge and people hate him but that’s life, you just have to suck it up and wait for death’s sweet embrace. Sound advice if I’ve heard any.

Buffy S7E11 Plowtime

In which Buffy’s slut army whines so much that I have to whine about their whining.

Live, direct from hellmouth, it’s Buffy and her slut army. I bet that main bad guy is just peeing in his pants thinking about all the damage the horde of slayerettes are going to do to him. Holy crap, run for your life, it’s a bunch of teenage girls. They are probably going to text him to death. That’s what girls do these days right? Texting and shit? With their cellular telephones?

This one southern baby slayer has a terrible accent. Ah don wan ta keel a vampah. Ah don wan ta dah. Ah don wan YER LAHF. Oh shut up you dumb twat.

So this vampire thats killing all these noob slayers is a “special” vampire? Like, a duh, special? Has untimed SATs special? Haha, fucking retard vampire. Shut up TARD.

Gelatinous glob of caged eyes from a demon dimension is pretty all right. I think I’d rather hang out with the eyeball demon than the table full of screaming slayer bitches. Oh boo hoo, evil monsters are trying to kill you and Buffy is trying to protect you but you’re all still complaining, like they have better options. God there must be so much PMS all over that house. SHUT IT BITCHES.

I hope Rona dies next. She’s totally annoying. Lil lesbo future slayer seems to be able to handle her shit though. I bet she can’t wait to mash her gash up against Willow’s, who is being a massive cunt whose too afraid to use her awesome magical powers to stop this monster from slitting little slits’ throats. Pretty selfish of you, Wilload.

Pedophile Giles explains to Anya that Buffy being alive is why the Evil Foosh is trying to fuck so much shit up. Anya postulates that everyone would be better of if Buffy stayed dead. Kind of a reverse It’s a Wonderful Life deal.

Holy fucking shit, do these ho bags ever shut up? Stop it! Stop your whining!

Oh boy, Buffy and that Neanderthal vampire are break dance fighting. I sure hope no one dies in a freak gasoline accident.

Man, great telepathy joke. You don’t see much teep humor on tv these days.

Then Buffy rips that nasty motherfucker’s head right the fuck off. So long motherfucker. I’ll see you in hell. I’ll see all of you in hell.

Buffy S7E10 Bring on the Nips

In which Buffy’s sliding in to first and she feels something burst, diarrhea, cha cha cha.

The main villain is some cult or guy or whatever called The First. The primordial evil. Sure, sounds fine just fine. The only problem I have is this guy I new in middle school named Fuerstman, pronounced like firstman, and this other guy I knew, Marshak, who called him Fooshman, and it cracked me up. Now that’s what I think about when they mention this guy, the first. More like, the foosh.

Another great story from me.

Oh yeah, they mention in this episode the funny line I forgot from last episode. How Buffy was oozing on both ends. Puking and shitting at the same time. Haha. That happened to a friend of mine once, after a fateful visit to a restaurant in college called Don Tequila. That’s pretty much a guarantee after going to a place named Don Tequila. What are you thinking?

Speaking of call backs to earlier episodes, it’s finally revealed that Giles didn’t die. He shows up with 3 new proto-slayers. Moving down to preteens, well, what to confirm our suspicions you inveterate degenerate.

The estrogen levels at Manse Buffay have got to be through the roof. Buffy, Dawng, Wilload, and now 3 more teenage girl slayers. Like a regular brothel they’re running. An illegal underage brothel. A illegal underage SEXY brothel.

Hey Giles, I hope you’re not implying that Neanderthals are evolutionary predecessors to homo sapiens, because you’d be wrong as fuck if you are.

Aw, one of the mini layers is already dead. And before pedophile Giles even had a chance to defile her.

Buffy also gets her ass kicked. Well, guess we’re fucked, might as well just let the bad guys win. Because they’re dealing with pure evil. The First. The first is the worst. The second is the best. The third is the one with the hairy chest. But nope, no capitulation from Generalissimo Buffy, because she’s forming an evil fighting army of nubile young women. Release the sluts of war!

Buffy S7E9 Never Blumpkin Me

In which I do some laundry while watching this episode. No tickee, no landry.

There was a funny line in the beginning of this episode but I forgot it while finishing this load of laundry. Great story, right?

Haha, “load”.

Wilload finds the one remaining evil nerd geek whose not dead and brings him back to the teenage squad of dorks. Then Anyah and Xandur interrogate him Jack Bauer style. Huuurrr, you’re going to tell me who’s trying to kill the president or I’m going to growl in your face some more. Huuuuur, then you, and me, Jack Bauer, are going to take a hot shower. Jack Bauer, hot shower! Jack Bauer, hot shower! Jack Bauer ok you get the joke now.

Spike is still turning into an evil jagov, so that’s a problem for everyone. And I still have more laundry to do and it’s getting late, which is a problem for me. Buffy doesn’t kill Spike, though, because she says she saw his penis. No, she says she saw his penance, but it sounds like penis, or at least penes.

The charming black principal finds a dead body in his high school basement so he picks it up and drives it out to an old oil derrick and buries it in an unmarked grave. I sure hope there’s more to that scene and that character because that is more than just a little weird.

Also the society of elderly pedophile watchers is an evil organization and want to locate Giles so they can murder him. That happened earlier and I just remembered it. Oh wait, no they aren’t. I’m learning now that they are just fucking dicks.

And then some new bad guy shows up.Or something. You know I’ll be honest, the laundry has been really distracting me so this will obviously not be my best write up. That’s just laundry’s pernicious influence at work. God damned evil laundry.