Buffy S7E11 Plowtime

In which Buffy’s slut army whines so much that I have to whine about their whining.

Live, direct from hellmouth, it’s Buffy and her slut army. I bet that main bad guy is just peeing in his pants thinking about all the damage the horde of slayerettes are going to do to him. Holy crap, run for your life, it’s a bunch of teenage girls. They are probably going to text him to death. That’s what girls do these days right? Texting and shit? With their cellular telephones?

This one southern baby slayer has a terrible accent. Ah don wan ta keel a vampah. Ah don wan ta dah. Ah don wan YER LAHF. Oh shut up you dumb twat.

So this vampire thats killing all these noob slayers is a “special” vampire? Like, a duh, special? Has untimed SATs special? Haha, fucking retard vampire. Shut up TARD.

Gelatinous glob of caged eyes from a demon dimension is pretty all right. I think I’d rather hang out with the eyeball demon than the table full of screaming slayer bitches. Oh boo hoo, evil monsters are trying to kill you and Buffy is trying to protect you but you’re all still complaining, like they have better options. God there must be so much PMS all over that house. SHUT IT BITCHES.

I hope Rona dies next. She’s totally annoying. Lil lesbo future slayer seems to be able to handle her shit though. I bet she can’t wait to mash her gash up against Willow’s, who is being a massive cunt whose too afraid to use her awesome magical powers to stop this monster from slitting little slits’ throats. Pretty selfish of you, Wilload.

Pedophile Giles explains to Anya that Buffy being alive is why the Evil Foosh is trying to fuck so much shit up. Anya postulates that everyone would be better of if Buffy stayed dead. Kind of a reverse It’s a Wonderful Life deal.

Holy fucking shit, do these ho bags ever shut up? Stop it! Stop your whining!

Oh boy, Buffy and that Neanderthal vampire are break dance fighting. I sure hope no one dies in a freak gasoline accident.

Man, great telepathy joke. You don’t see much teep humor on tv these days.

Then Buffy rips that nasty motherfucker’s head right the fuck off. So long motherfucker. I’ll see you in hell. I’ll see all of you in hell.

Buffy S7E10 Bring on the Nips

In which Buffy’s sliding in to first and she feels something burst, diarrhea, cha cha cha.

The main villain is some cult or guy or whatever called The First. The primordial evil. Sure, sounds fine just fine. The only problem I have is this guy I new in middle school named Fuerstman, pronounced like firstman, and this other guy I knew, Marshak, who called him Fooshman, and it cracked me up. Now that’s what I think about when they mention this guy, the first. More like, the foosh.

Another great story from me.

Oh yeah, they mention in this episode the funny line I forgot from last episode. How Buffy was oozing on both ends. Puking and shitting at the same time. Haha. That happened to a friend of mine once, after a fateful visit to a restaurant in college called Don Tequila. That’s pretty much a guarantee after going to a place named Don Tequila. What are you thinking?

Speaking of call backs to earlier episodes, it’s finally revealed that Giles didn’t die. He shows up with 3 new proto-slayers. Moving down to preteens, well, what to confirm our suspicions you inveterate degenerate.

The estrogen levels at Manse Buffay have got to be through the roof. Buffy, Dawng, Wilload, and now 3 more teenage girl slayers. Like a regular brothel they’re running. An illegal underage brothel. A illegal underage SEXY brothel.

Hey Giles, I hope you’re not implying that Neanderthals are evolutionary predecessors to homo sapiens, because you’d be wrong as fuck if you are.

Aw, one of the mini layers is already dead. And before pedophile Giles even had a chance to defile her.

Buffy also gets her ass kicked. Well, guess we’re fucked, might as well just let the bad guys win. Because they’re dealing with pure evil. The First. The first is the worst. The second is the best. The third is the one with the hairy chest. But nope, no capitulation from Generalissimo Buffy, because she’s forming an evil fighting army of nubile young women. Release the sluts of war!

Buffy S7E9 Never Blumpkin Me

In which I do some laundry while watching this episode. No tickee, no landry.

There was a funny line in the beginning of this episode but I forgot it while finishing this load of laundry. Great story, right?

Haha, “load”.

Wilload finds the one remaining evil nerd geek whose not dead and brings him back to the teenage squad of dorks. Then Anyah and Xandur interrogate him Jack Bauer style. Huuurrr, you’re going to tell me who’s trying to kill the president or I’m going to growl in your face some more. Huuuuur, then you, and me, Jack Bauer, are going to take a hot shower. Jack Bauer, hot shower! Jack Bauer, hot shower! Jack Bauer ok you get the joke now.

Spike is still turning into an evil jagov, so that’s a problem for everyone. And I still have more laundry to do and it’s getting late, which is a problem for me. Buffy doesn’t kill Spike, though, because she says she saw his penis. No, she says she saw his penance, but it sounds like penis, or at least penes.

The charming black principal finds a dead body in his high school basement so he picks it up and drives it out to an old oil derrick and buries it in an unmarked grave. I sure hope there’s more to that scene and that character because that is more than just a little weird.

Also the society of elderly pedophile watchers is an evil organization and want to locate Giles so they can murder him. That happened earlier and I just remembered it. Oh wait, no they aren’t. I’m learning now that they are just fucking dicks.

And then some new bad guy shows up.Or something. You know I’ll be honest, the laundry has been really distracting me so this will obviously not be my best write up. That’s just laundry’s pernicious influence at work. God damned evil laundry.

Buffy S7E8 Sleepenis

In which I don’t want to but I’m going to finish this last burrito from Taco Bell because if I don’t eat it THEN THE FOOD WINS.

Even the characters of the show use the “big bad” terminology. Lame. Whats not lame is Anya is back and her pokies are looking great. Say is there a nip in the air there Anya?

This whole episode is about finding out if Spike has gone bad again. So lets follow him to the fucking Bronze as yet another terrible fucking band is playing. God damn it that is a horrible idea.

Holy shit this episode is boring. It’s putting me to sleep. Booooooooo. I’m too tired to write anything. They just need to shut up and get this over with so I can watch a federal law man in Kentucky, the story of Raylen Given and his super hot ex-wife Winona, the woman with the perkiest breasts in the history of the world.

Also entering the records books is Spike, who gets his name etched in after Biggest Pussy in the Universe.

And someone is killing pedophilic watchers over in jolly old Angaland. Oh no Giles watch out for the axe its totally coming to chop your head smooth off! Wow, what a cliffhanger. I guess Giles is dead forever. Or is he? I’m not finding out until after an all new Justified, that is for sure.

Buffy S7E7 Concerned Asians with Red Peeholes

In which oh god this song is setting a new low in awfulness jesus christ enough already. Fucking stop, please.

Why would you purposely put such a terrible song in a tv show? I don’t understand how that decision is made. Also, who was demanding those two wiener kid nerd villains be in another episode. So they went to Mexico? Great, they should stay there. Or maybe they should get a horse and go climb up in them mountains and stop bothering everybody.

As you could get from the title (the real title), a bunch of people talk to dead people. The 3rd chief wiener kid nerd villain comes back to talk to his former flunkies, Buffy spills her guts to a vampire psyche major, Willow’s lesbian witch girlfriend speaks through a medium (who is also dead) and tells Willow how much she misses their fun lesbian witch times together, and Mrs Summers drags her dead ass out of heaven and spookily haunts Dawn.

Buffy reveals to the prickish vampire college student and tae kwon do enthusiast that she has problems maintaining meaningful relationships with people because she has a superiority complex, which I’d imagine is not unusual for people with super powers. Don also does a thoroughly efficient job trashing her house. That place is wrecked.

And probably the world is going to end and all our heroes are going to get their asses handed to them at armageddongotterdammerrungragnarok. Or will they? Wait, I mean, or won’t they? All I’ll say is if they keep subjecting me to this ass music I’ll be looking for an early exit out of this life.

Buffy S7E6 Trim

In which I finally learn why Spike was living in Xander’s apartment because I accidentally skipped over this episode and watched the two ahead of it.

The idea of Spike shacking up with Xander looks even stupider in hindsight because he immediately starts murdering people in the next episode. What dummies. Just kill this dumb vampire already.

Oh what fun, Don has a raging mega huge boner on some football man. I wouldn’t know anything about that, even though I was one of the captains of my high school football team. But football players didn’t get all the chicks in my lame ass town, mostly just the rich guys and the guys that weren’t rich but just didn’t give a motherfuck so they looked real cool. But back in Cuticledale High anyway, Dawm tries out for the cheerleading squad to get closer to her dream guy and proceeds to make a total ass out of herself. Although I’m pretty sure that’s not how cheerleading try outs happen, in the gym in front of most of the football team where potential cheerleaders are given no direction whatsoever.

But then Dawb goes completely berserk and pushes some dude down a flight of stairs. Enjoy your trip jagov? See you next fall, RETARD.

This football player has a magical varsity jackets that cause women to uncontrollably slut out like a bunch of crazed whores unable to control their nymphomanical urges. Just like Willie Beamon, the magic letter jacket keeps the women creamin.

This football player, RJ, and his magical jacket, are so powerful that he actually manages to push it right up in Buffy. Like she’s totally riding the crap out of his teenage schlong, cowgirl style. How dare you R.J., steal my precious little snowflake Buffy away from me. Don’t you know that we’re in love? Fuckface?

This episode would be a lot funnier and charming if this dude didn’t rape the main character of the show. Of course, if a strong, independent modern woman wants to throw her pussy around like free orange chicken samples at Panda Express, who am I to judge? I’m a modern man of the new millennium, go nuts, you great big slut.

Then Dawng (I can’t believe I didn’t think of that one earlier) decides to go lay down on some train tracks and kill herself because she’ll never have RJ, a scene that is bookended by two slapstick comedy pieces. Jeez this episode is all over the place tonally. Fine by me, though.

So a laughed a few times, including at Sarah Micchelle Gellar, who still looks like a giant geeky spaz when she runs, so this one earns a passing mark. Now, to fuckin FINALLY find out if fuckin Giles gets his fuckin head chopped the fuck off!

Buffy S7E5 Shelf Tits

In which Anya shows off her most impressive asset: her lovely, well rounded, sculpted, voluptuous, beautiful bouncing voice.

How am I going to type up this Buffandra episode and eat Taco Bell at the same time? Messily. But still, check me out, MULTITASKING.

Wait did I already see this episode. Fuck I did. I must of been drunk. So here’s what I remember as the stupid opening credits songs annoys me: Anya completely flips out and starts killing the dick out of all sorts of people. She’s using REAL ULTIMATE POWER.

It also brings back Anya’s old boyfriend, Kubiak, from Park Lewis Can’t Lose, in flashbacks to the time of primitive Russian peasants speaking fake primitive Russian back when they were both humans and talking about trolls and goblins and shit. The film is also artificially changed to make it look like it came from the 1920s.

Then Spike does his best Officer and a Gentleman impression and bleats “BUT I GOT NO PLACE ELSE TO GO FUCK MYSELF.”

Then Willow catches Anya during her walk of shame out of the frat house full of dead guys. So big deal. ANYA CAN DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS? YOU HEAR ME? Like anyone will miss those douche bags from Gamma Kappa Tau anyway. More like Gamma Crappa Tau, amirite?

Some more origin crap about Anya and the demon and some big nasty CGI spider (I’m skipping over some shit so I can get through another episode and then go watch Raylan Givens FUCK SHIT UP in Harlan County, Kentucky.) Blah blah blah, Anya how could you, now I have to kill you because I’m the Slayer, blah blah blah Xander chews cock, bloppy bloo blee.

There’s some fighting and shit and Anya sings a song and then she and Xander both walk away from each other all sad like. Not quite sure what happened at the end, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out during next episode. So I’m clicking that next button and finding out right now.

Buffy S7E4 Helpenis

In which counselor Buffy is in session and she says “show me your nuts” and the students oblige by acting totally crazy. Get it?

Hey isn’t that student that comes in to see Buffy one of the kids from Home Improvement? I totally bet he is. I’m going to go look that shit up cause I so know I am right. Ah yeah, that’s right, Brad Taylor. I nailed that one. OH FUCK YEAH THIS IS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY FUCKING LIFE.

This new principal has a very well manicured look. Shaved bald, neatly trimmed goatee, one small gold hoop earring in each ear. Yep, he looks like a regular old smooth black dildo all right.

This weird new girl who can see in to the future is reading Vonnegut. I feel like I should read more of his books. I read Breakfast of Champions. That was awesome. He drew a big asterisk in the book and said it was a picture of an asshole. That was in there. I also saw him speak live when he came to my college. Wow, neat, huh? So maybe I’ll read more of his shit, or maybe I’ll keep watching shit on fuckin Netflix. My life is just full of fascinating mysteries.

Willow is using Google. Well, welcome to the 21st fuckin century, BEATCH, so nice of you to fuckin join the rest of us, FUGGIN BEATCH.

Some really terrible angsty teenage poetry in this episode.Truly wretched.

Ha ho, SLAM. Tim the tool man Taylor’s kid just totally faced Buffy’s sister Dawn. FUCKIN IN YOUR FACE BEATCH. Brad Taylor is also a red robbed cult leader and he’s going to make a human sacrifice out of the weird precognitive girl, Cassie. Well at least he’s showing initiative in something.

Buffy doesn’t know shit about heavy metal. Blue Clam Cult? You sound like an asshole. Despite not knowing shit about dick, Buffy is still able to save the day and kill the rubber suited monster that Bradley Taylor raises from hell. And Spike helps.

But then weird girl has a brain aneurysm or something and drops dead anyway. So that bitch is fucking terminated. Not the best episode. Nothing really clicked. Great to see Zachery Ty Bryan working again, though. I mean really fucking excellent.

Buffy S7E3 Same Gine, Same Taste

In which some perverted troll is being a disgusting deviant.

Willow returns from Giles imposed exile to work all the evil out of her system, but when she gets off the plane, the teen dork detective team isn’t there to great her. And when she gets to Buffy’s house, THERE IS NO BUFFY. Meanwhile, Buffy and her pals can’t figure out where Willow is. SO IT APPEARS THAT WILLOW IS IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

Also, in one or both of these universes, a wiener kid was flayed alive by some demon guy while he was tagging Xander’s construction site. Why would anyone spray paint a construction site? Isn’t the point of graffiti to deface a private or municipal property in a highly visible locations, not one that’s about to built over in a couple of days and vanish forever?

Is it me or has Buffy been veering more toward Twilight Zonish plots than the typical monster of the week tropes? And why am I asking myself so many questions?

Anya is the hottest cast member of the show, so naturally I looked her up on wikipedia. Did you know that actress who plays Anya is Emma Caulfield? She changed her name from Emma Chukker and was married a guy named Cornelius Grobbelaar for four years before divorcing in May of 2010? How made up does the name Cornelius Grobbelaar sound? And why am I still asking myself all these questions?

Then some creepy troll starts picking Willow’s skin off and eating it, then lapping up her blood. Ew. Sick. I’m pretty sure I caught that troll perv popping a boner while he was playing around with Willow’s guts. Thas jus NAYsty.

Then Buffy gouges the Demon’s eyes out with her thumbs. Gross. This episode is totally gross.

And Buffy and Willow talk out in to wrap up the episode in spectacularly boring fashion. Snooze.

Buffy S7E2 Bee Queef Poo

In which a big evil carnivorous worm is burrowing tunnels just below the surface of Schumpeterdale so Buffy tricks them into burrowing right off the side of a cliff causing the giant man eating slugs to plummet to the ground and explode in a big mess of alien bug guts.

Interesting music selection as Buffy dreams of future Buffy, meaning she has pink hair and a techno theme song instead of rock n roll. They’ve certainly played far worse music in that dumb club Bronzer. We haven’t seen that dumb fucking place in a while, thankfully.

Spike really needs to get his shit together, he’s starting to look like that guy from the Blue Lagoon, on whose set Brooke Shields was known to have farted. And just as I get done typing that he shows up with a new haircut and fresh duds. And he makes an alliance with Buffy so the actor can stay employed even though there is no reason for his character to be around and hasn’t for the last 3 seasons.

Donn is naturally sceptical and warns Spike that if he ever does anything to her sister one day after he falls asleep he’s going to wake up dead. DEAD. Also, I would like some ICE CREAM.

So the evil Tremors looking bug thing is shown for the first time, and it really does look like the things from Tremors. How has no one brought up that movie yet. Also, Anya is brunette again and is SUPER HOT. WANT TO TOUCH THE HEINIE. Anya created the worm monster because she’s back to her demoning ways. Then spike punches her in the face for something. Then Buffy and Spike all start wailing on each other while terrible music plays in the background, which is fitting since theyre back at the dumb ass Bronze club.

Before the fight, new girl points out how everyone on this show has slept together and then Xander and Spike give each other suggestive glances. HAHA, they are two gay men, which I’ve known all along. New girl’s ex-boyfriend was turned into the worm monster by Anya, FYI.

So Spike is completely insane now and portending the apocalypse. Oooooh, scawee. I guess vampires getting their souls back makes them go coo-coo. So while Spike does have his soul again, it’s safe to say HIS SOUL STILL BURNS. Literally. It makes the crucifix he leans on start smoking.

I’m not really sure what was going on with that ending but either way I’m going to go get ice cream now. Yea ice cream!

Buffy S7E1 Lesions

In which Buffy faces her most absolutely ghoulish foe yet: PMS.

Wow, 7th and final season. Didn’t think I’d ever maker it this far but here we are are, sucking and fucking our merry way down the home stretch. I’m also super hungover so this may be a bit more cranky than usual.

And the last season opens with a scene in Istanbul. I went to Istanbul once. Accidentally hung out in a tranny bar called Discoteque 2001. I wish I was making that story up.

Buffy asks, whos got the power, Dawn? And Dawn says, the five sided fistagon. The rotten sore on the face of mother earth gets bigger, the trigger’s cold, empty you purse. Then they both listen to Power by KMFDM and rock out like true champions.

I also enjoyed how Buffy makes fun of the fact that vampires all inevitably know karate when they rise from the dead. It’s more than a little absurd.

Oh boy, they rebuilt Cunnydale High School. And it’s got a handsome young black principal, which I’m sure is a tribute to Onxy Blackmon from Stangers with Candy. Sorry Jerri, hanging out with the guys is cool, having a girlfriend is just so, gay. Hey Laird, we’re all gonna go take a crap, you coming? Hell yeah!

Well would you look at that, turns out new Cunnydale High is haunted just like the old Cunnydale High was. Who’d a thunk it? But this time the place is MEGA HAUNTED. Fucking zombies and ghosts and shit coming out the ass. Time to give home schooling a chance, Cunnydalians.

Wait, I had to go dry heave in the terlit and I missed something. Spike is back but still a pussy and has a jheri curl? (also, it is not jerry or jeri curl, thanks wikipedia!).

Blah blah blarg Dawn is the new Buffy and Buffy is the new Giles and Dawn has two new loser friends to be the new Willow and Xander and Spike starts hallucinating all the old bad guys and then Buffy says its all about power. Which of course, leads to money and women and me hopefully not barfing up this tombstone pizza I just scarfed.

Season 7 - It’s the FI-NAL COUNTDOWN!

Buffy S6E22 Man Gravy

In which like a fetus from the asses, Dark Willow rises again!

Dark Willow is a clear bite on the Dark Phoenix saga, the modern comic book masterpiece by Bryne and Claremont. Or it’s an homage. I don’t know what the distinction is. What do I look like, some fruity professor of pop cultural studies?

So Dark Willoe and Pedo Jiles are wailing away at each other on some mountain plateau. Meanwhile, Spike is in some cave getting covered in roaches. But like the honey badger rooting through a house a bees, Spike doesn’t care. Spike doesn’t give a shit. Later he’ll get bit by a cobra and just pass out. Look at that sleepy fuck.

Dark Pillow is so incredibly P.O.’d that her girlfriend got whacked that she decides there’s too much pain and suffering in the world, so she might as well just blow up the whole fucking planet. Yeah, why not? Go big or go home, that’s Villow’s motto. Way to take charge and step up to the plate with the rest of the big dogs. Like the Subway meatball peperoni sangwich. A delicious masterclass meal fit for a wold destroyer like Willoh.

But what’s this? It’s lame wad Xander, here to save the day with THE POWER OF LOVE™. Xander helps Willow regain her humanity be reminding her that they are fwends, and fwends don’t let fwends explode Earth to pieces with dark magic just because their lesbo girlfriend got shot to death. Way to go faggot Xander, you saved us all.

And in a clever bit of emotional juxtaposition, it is implied that Buffy also regains her will to live, after her serious existential crisis following her resurrection, and at the same time Spike is granted the ability to be an amoral, evil blood sucking vampire killer, vowing to now give Buffy what she deserves. Which is rape. At least I’m pretty sure he means rape. Spike is definitely going to rape Buffy next season.

And that’s the end of season 6. Season 7 starts whenever I get around to it. Hopefully before I start it Duke will lose in the basketball tournament, thus ending those assholes’ most recent insufferable run as NCAA champions, and order can be unrestored. Do you hear me Nike? That ad was disgusting and you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Also Grant Hill is a total Uncle Tom. What a douche.

Buffy S6E21 Two Cocks and She Blows (like a shotgun)

In which WIllow has fully transformed into a remorseless slaughtering machine, which is also what my first pet will be named.

Teen dork squad are now in a race against the time to locate and save the remaining two evil nerd guys from a psycho Willow looking to reign her cunty vengeance down upon them.

Things look bleak for our scappy, morally righteous band of buttwipes, that is, until pedophile Giles returns, ready to fuck shit up with authority. Everything is primed for the epic battle royale, between the master, and the one who before was but the learner but now is the master herself.

That shiz all goes down next episode, so in the meantime I’d like to share a story involving a little something I like to call, “If I were CEO.”

If I were CEO, I would be a benevolent boss. I would ensure my venue of employment was a safe place, free of discrimination and harassment. I would furnish my employees with ample personal days and I would make sure the breakroom was perpetually stocked with premium coffee. In return for my kindness and magnanimity, I would also insist on the policy known as “work dump.”

Work dump would only apply to me, the CEO. As the CEO, I would have my own bathroom, located within my private office. Whenever the CEO, meaning me, would feel the need to evacuate their bowls during the normal business day, I would press the work dump button, alerting the staff to my intentions through the use of a sirens and flashing lights. Now my employees would all begin the chant.

“WORK DUMP, WORK DUMP, WORK DUMP, WORK DUMP,” they would all chant in unison, loud enough for me, the CEO, to hear from inside my crapitorium, and long enough to continue throughout the length of my B.M. Following my poo’s conclusion, I would emerge from my office to render a verdict. Now silent and rapt in attention, my employees would await a signal, either the thumbs up, indicating a solid, satisfying doo doo, or a thumbs own, for a runny, uncomfortable shit. My positive judgement would be met with thunderous applause and fawning approbation. A negative determination would command stunned reverence, immediately followed by delivering to me a fresh cup of java and a bran muffin.

This is how it would be, if I were CEO.

OK, next episode is the penultimate’s season ultimate episode. Can’t wait!

Buffy S6E20 Villa Lobos

In which Buffy wants to know what the name ‘Bootch’, means.

Remember how last time I was like, well, I’m going to bed so I’ll just assume nothing important happens in the last 10 minutes? Well apparently Buffy and other lesbian witch get shot in the chest. Other lesbian witch dies and Buffy gets a free ride to the hospital. Hah, boy was I wrong,

The dick shit triplets have gone from bumbling wanna be bad guys to deranged murdering psychopaths rather quickly. More just that one guy. The one that fucking shot those two broads. He got Willow so god damn pissed she changes her trademark red hair black. Did she dye it black no. 1 perhaps? No, she used powerful magic, because she means business and wants revenge. Aint no fury like that of a teenage lesbian sorceress scorned.

Willow is super powered up and makes sure Buffy doesn’t die but that tribbing partner of hers has merged with the infinite. Then some boring shit happens. Look, bitch, just use a LOCATE PERSONS SPELL, DUH. Then you can turn your magic bag of holding inside out and teleport to this evil guy you want to kill. Then you’re one magic missile spell away from solving your problem permanently. GOD, don’t you people know ANYTHING about wizardry?

Blarg, now I’m tired again and want to sleep. BUT I’M SURE NOTHING WILL HAPPEN BETWEEN NOW AND MY VISIT FROM THE SANDMAN, RIGHT?

Buffy S6E20 Phil Anselmo

In which I return form my hiatus of writing about Buddy the Van Tire Changer.

The title of this episode is Villains, which rhymes with Philans, which is the first half of Phil Anselmo’s name. Yeah, I know, I’m really slipping.

This is also the first time I had to look up the plot to this episode on cyberspace BEFORE beginning this write up, which against the rules but I’m strapped for time and am not about to rewatch these episodes. I still need to get through all of season 7 and these Veronica Mars episodes aren’t going to just instantly view themselves on Netflix. Yes, that’s right, Veronica Mars. Another blond teenage crime fighter of the supernatural variety that aired on an ass network. I either know what I like or I’m a glutton for punishment. Whatever.

Oh yeah, so that 10 minutes of last episode that I feel asleep for? Yeah, kind of a big deal. One of those nerd dudes shoots both Buffy and Tara dead. Well, Tara dies anyway. Buffandra lives to slay vampinus another day (Spoiler alert, I watched the final 3 episodes of this season already).

So Willow goes completely bug fuck crazy and swears vengeance on the nerd dude by swearing to bury his cold dead body in the ground. And the rest of team dork squad freak out because they don’t wont Willow doing any magic at all, let along magic that leads to extra-judicial killings, even if the target of such a killing has murdered Willow’s lesbian witch girlfriend.

Feh, this wack nerd guy needs to get got. Might as well let Willow be the one to do the snuffing.

Also the whole concept if mortality in Buffyland is fucked worse than in the Marvel comic universe. Buffy’s been brought back from the dead a bunch of times already, why not fuggin Tara?

Anyway, nothing can stop a pissed of lesbian sorceress with a lust for blood, and Willow eventually finds evil nerd guy, tortures him, then rips all of his skin off and burns him to cinders.

It would have been so much more bad ass if the special effects weren’t so mediocre. The flayed nerd guy would have been way nastier if you couldn’t tell he was wearing a suit of skinless muscles on top of his normally skinned body.

After this brutal act of torture killing, Willow’s off to go find the other evil nerd assholes. Good luck, Willow. Orivwar!

EDIT: OOPS! It’s been so long I forgot that I already did this write up and then forgot to rename it after it auto saved in google docs. So i wrote TWO of these for ONE episode, but rather than waste one or spend time combining them, I’ll just post them both. Hey, why the fuck not? Double the fun, double the value. The previously written post will come after this one. But show up first on the blog. Kind of confusing, but also who gives a shit.

Buffy S6E19 Stealing Bread

In which who does Buffy think she is, Jean Valjean or some kind of big shot?

If you don’t want creepy 29 year old dues staring at Michelle Trachtenberg’s increasingly heaving yet still underage bosoms (and I assume you do not, I mean I sure as hell wouldn’t), then I suggest not putting her in skin tight, cleavage revealing tops. Shit’s fucked up.

Oh look, giant swinging buzz saw booby trap. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade homage I take it? Also nice shot of the Vampirella action figure. Not that I was every into that whole business.

Spike sill likes getting fucked up with a big tall glass of alcohol. Hell yeah, getting drunk a lot makes you cool. Everyone knows that.

Wait, why couldn’t Spike fuck Anya? And why did Xander make such a big deal out of it? Both Buffy and Xander broke up with their respective partners in copulation. So they’re both giant assholes if they expected their former significant others to refrain from seeking sexual congress from anyone else. You gave up that right. Bitches. So shut it the fuck up.

And why does Xander get to bitch to Buffy about porking Spike. Fools need to mind their business. ITS MY BODY AND I GET TO CHOOSE NEXT TO WHOM IT LIES NAKED.

Then Spike loses his mind and decided today seems like a great day to rape Buffy. Because he loves her. Capital idea Spike, and long overdue if you ask me. And despite being the super powerful chosen one, Buffy still has to awkwardly wriggle around on the bathroom floor while Spike tries to share his love with her. Whats the big deal baby, Spike just wants to show how happy he can make you, WITH HIS DICK.

Bunch of Star Trek references this episode. LAME. Star Trek is some wack shit. Some of TNG was pretty good I guess. Whorf. Data. Wesley Crushah. Number 1. Number 1 I’ve got to go take a number 2.

Uh oh, nerd guy Warren has magic orbs making him all powerful. But with absolute power comes absolute corruption. Or something. Fuck, man, I’m exhausted. I’m just going to go to sleep. Hopefully nothing very interesting happens in the next 10 minutes. Shit.