Buffy E4E22 Breastless

In which the magic game of Magic the Gathering worked and Buffy and pals are now champions of her stupid town of jerks.

Part 1: Willow’s stupid dream: Willow loves shoving her vagina and mouth up against Tara’s mouth and vagina. They are young lesbians in love and they love it. Xander jerks off to lesbians. Willow’s afraid of telling everyone she munches carpet.

Part 2: Xander’s faggot dream: Xander wants to penetrate Buffy’s canal from which she was birthed meaning her mom’s hot bergina. Xander also wants to be the dork meat in a Willow Tara Lezzie Sandwedge. And is frightened of Mayor Colonel Kurtz.

Part 3: Pedophile Gile’s creepy dream: Buffy was sprung forth the loins of Giles’ brown sugar mama. Giles loves books and singing. BOTH ARE FOR NERDS. SHUT UP NERD. Have fun getting your scalp cut off, nerd.

Part 4: Buffandra: Buffy has sharp nostrils. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned it before but it’s true. She also tries to make a pizza pie with-ah dough in a bag-ah and-ah on her face-ah. Now I-ah fight-ah this-ah moulingana.

If i had a complaint about this episode it’s that at certain times it was trying too hard, but I’m going to go ahead and override that complaint, for no other reason than this one was different and interesting and if it didn’t work at least it wasn’t boring. Also the Apocolypse Now homage was fantastic.

A GREAT TIME WITH BUFFY’S VCR PLAYER AND HER DOPE ASS TAPE CASSETTES. FUN SEASON IT IS FOR US ALL. AND BUFFY GOT RENEWED SO WE CAN GO AHEAD AND PUT THIS VAGUE CLIFFHANGER IN AT THE END.

Oh wow what a great audience.

Buffy S4E21 Prime Rib

In which Anya is really fucking up. Don’t tie yourself down to that anchor baby, let me show you what a real champion of touchdowns is capable of.

You know this bad guy would look a hell of a lot scarier if he didn’t have a ridiculous rubber suit on with shiny plastic bits sewn on. Also his name is Adam. Oh no! Everyone cower before the terrible might of Jason!

The dead black guy now a zombie said “God has nothing to do with it,” after Rilesdong exclaimed “God!” One of my favorite things to say after people exclaim Jesus Christ! is to say “Hey! Jesus has nothing to do with this!” and then act all offended. It’s cool because blasphemy is funny to me.

And there is, the big reveal of cyborg frankie stibes master plan. It involves demons vs male module army infantry vs Buffy and the super ass squad dick faces of detection. WOW I AM SO BLOWN AWAY BY HIS CAREFULLY CRAFTED PLAN OF DESTRUCTION.

My chest hurts. Maybe I am having a heart attack. That would suck.

Nope, just the booze workin it’s way through my horribly decrapitated joke of a body. Nothing we didn’t expect.

This stupid army boss is named Colonel McNamara? Like a reference from Vietnam? Weak. Also, the military industrial complex is not this inept. Probably makes for a better story but this is a little silly.

And the colonel isn’t wearing anything that resembles an actual military uniform, combat, class A, B or otherwise. It’s just a camo colored button down shirt and pants. I mean come on.

Cirah Meshell Gellur may be a great actress but she still sucks at doing anything athletic. Didn’t she at least play softball or something? What a spastic case. The big crazy fight scene in the Initiative base with all the munitions and such is fine but it lacks the polish of a show with lots more money. I guess it's allright tho.

Basically, all this sick action scenes at this end of this episode reinforces the fact that the Buffyverse operates based on one universal maxim: attractive people live, ugly people die. That’s it. That’s all you have to know for any episode. Except that time Jennie Marie Calendar died. She was mad bangable.

Buffy S4E20 The Strokem Factotum

In which Willow and Tara have a cat together, thus instantly becoming the most boring, stereotypical lesbian couple ever.

So Lights Out was excellent. They even included a nice soulful rendition of Que Sera Sera. A great song that is. Used exquisitely in Heathers, a movie of unbounded verve and jokes about father’s loving their dead gay sons and such and hot big boobed teenage vixens asking to be fucked gently by chainsaws. A real winner for the whole family.

If I ever got a cat, and I don’t ever plan on this occurrence, I would name it Remorseless Slaughtering Machine Jr. And if I ever get a dog (much more likely) it will be called Anthony Soprano, or Tony, for short.

I guess some shit happened in that spin off show about Angelo the pale faced pussy vampire called, Wimpy Vamp Party or something, I’m not sure. Some other plot shit is happening but I’m not paying attention, mostly because I’m drinking. It’s probably decent tv entertainment to be honest.

I forgot to mention that we should all congratulate Sudsydale for their first black character to last for nearly a full season. Riledawg’s dawg, the black male army man model, has not yet been snuffed. Good for you, newly racially enlightened Buffy the show of still mostly but not exclusively about white people and Vampire Slaying.

Pedophile Giles is getting bombed on brown liquids for no discernable reason. Nice.

I just realized Buffy’s stuffer’s full name is Riley Finn. That name sucks a dick. Here is a great name I’m sure of: Russ Toizar. Don’t steal that shit, by the way, that’s my awesome name.

Angelo and Rilesbag fight. Come on, that’s just gratuitous fanboy (fangirl?) bait. Admit it.

Hey you know what would ruin this entire show or at least several of the main characters? If Spike goes through with his plan to betray Buffy and the teen clutch of spaz wads that make detecting their hobby, but then for the season finale he redeems himself and saves everyone and becomes good and part of the squad of dickhead detective teens. God damn that would be horrible and suck it the massive donguses.

Great quip: Xander is the deadest man in Deadonia. Greatest quip: Xander is the faggiest man in Fagonia BECAUSE XANDER IS A FAGGOT.

Haha, I know that was insensitive but I thought it was hilarious anyway.

Wait, the black dude died? Typical. What about a hispanic or asian lead character? Or an Indian. There are shitloads of Indians and Chinese folk in America. Enough of this honkey bullshit. There are several wiccans and some jews, but no Hindus or Muslims. THIS IS GAYNESS.

Drunk pedophile Giles: I have no Alfred side, Alfred had a job. Pedophile Giles the unemployed drunk is a character I can get into to. Plus he laughed at Fort Dix in New Jersey. Yes, FORT MANY DICKS MEANING MALE GENITALIA IS FUNNY. Good call Giles.

I think I have been writing too much for one episode. Plus there is more stuff going on. I guess that means this is an all right episode. Also it means 6 beers is a good amount to get my diarrhea of the keyboard flowing.

And Rileypants is now a villain. Psyche. I didn’t look it up but I’m going to go ahead and use my skills of precognition to tell you that it is him trying to trick the cybofrankenstein into believing his is bad so he can defeat him.

Shit, it is 2 am and I have two more episodes to watch. Also, how many fucking typos do you think are in this? Infinity billion? Probably. Shit.

Buffy S4E19 New Poon Ripening

In which the wolfpud Oz comes back to find out his former girlfriend has gone lez on him. Well, we all know what’s that like, eh fellas? Amirite or amirite?

What sucks about writing serialized entertainment (I’m assuming, obviously), is that if you come up with an awesome new idea, you have to make sure that introducing it makes sense given all the earlier history that’s part of your cannon. Two major developments this season, The Initiative of Male Army Men Models, and Spike turning quasi good (chaotic-neutral?) demonstrate the perils of such decisions. Regarding the Initiative, where the fuck were they the first 3 seasons when things were completely fucked and they had to blow up the school to keep the giant snake monster mayor from killing the universe? As for Spike, I get that he’s a fan favorite (so many of the best quips get written his way), but if you’re Buffy, why don’t you just kill the fuck already? This is not an Angelo situation. As Spitch himself loves to deliciously point out in his adorable cokney accent: “Oi’m still EEEE-VUHL innit I?” Just stake his ass, the end.

One of my friends actually has had an old college girlfriend go lesbian on him several years after they broke up. Obviously that means she was always lez and didn’t actually ‘change’ after they broke up, and that to me makes it more hilarious. Man, I wish I dated a lesbian. I wish I didn’t have to pay for sex. WAIT, FORGET THAT LAST PART.

This turns into a very special episode of Buffy as Willow and that other lesbian awaken their lesbian spirits and everyone has to react and deal with it. I guess thats a big deal to people in college. I don’t ever remember giving a shit if people were gay back then and I certainly couldn’t give a fuck now. If one of my friends said they were homo I’d say, great, can you take me with you to gay bars and get guys to buy me free drinks? Then I would leave without hooking up. HAHAHA, I AM A HOMOSEXUAL COCK TEASE.

Wait a minute. I just professed my love for Anya, mainly because she was blunt, honest, didn’t give a fuck about emotions, and wanted to fuck all the time. That makes her pretty much like a really hot dude. Well, there’s only one thing left for me to do. Start banging transvestites. It’s part of a whole new life for me. They’ll be an adjustment period but I’m sure I’ll get over it, as with any other transitory time of life.

That William Burroughs joke was pretty strained. Either go for it or don’t use it. But don’t use it, have some other writer question whether anyone will get it, then write in a new joke about no one getting the original reference. That’s just hack. At least they don’t say ‘wiggins’ on this show anymore. God damn that was awful.

The episode ends with boring as shit Oz leaving (again) and Willow saying she’s down for scissoring her timbers, Xerxes, with Tara (I finally learned whats her faces name). What a trade up. Snoozefest pudcake vs lipstick lesbians. I think the latter is clear winner.

Only three episodes left in the season. A two-parter followed by the finale. And I just realized I still need to watch the second episode of Lights Out. FX is the best fucking network on tv right now, by the way. AMC is close, but FX is the total package, what with drama AND comedy (Archer, the much improved League and the legendary Sunny are all excellent). Hey maybe I’ll watch the first season of Justified in between Buffies. Timothy Seth Olyphant Bullock is pretty righteous. Yeah, great idea I just came up with. Man I’m awesome.

Buffy S4E18 Where the Wild, Lubricated, Teenage Nymphomaniacs Are

In which there was once a rickety, convoluted, love rhombus there now are three pairs of well oiled, hard charging, over thrusting, piston pumping, orgasm delivering sex machines.

Oh shit cakes, the vampires and demons are working together. That means were are all going to be bent over a barrell and fucked in the ass, over and over and over again, until our rectums prolapse and we’re picking our colons up off the floor in shattered bloody pieces. According to the male model and army man of strength and muscles and chins, that means it’s time for a fucking party! It’s not an orgy, it’s a toga party! PAR-TY! PAR-TY! PAR-TY! PAR-TY! CHIPS! CHIPS! CHIPS! CHIPS! CHIPS! CHIPS! CHIPS!

Buffy’s orgasms now have the power to light people on fire. Good skill to have if you ask me.

Anyang and Spige have a heart to heart because one used to be a demon and the other used to be vampire and now they’re just a couple of schmucks. Egg noodles and ketchup.

The walls in Riley the army man super model’s house makes dudes cream in their jeans if they press their palms against the walls. CLEAN UP ON AISLE 4. AND BY CLEAN UP I MEAN GET THE MOP OUT, BECAUSE THERE’S JIZZ EVERYWHERE, AND YOU NEED TO MOP THAT JIZZ UP AND GET IT OFF THE FLOOR.

Apparently this is a college party where they play spin the bottle. Um, okay. How old are these writers? Did they ever go to college before? In this game of spin the bottle some girl kisses Xander and is then moved to cut herself (or just her fair) and call her self bad. Thats a very reasonable reaction. No big deal.

And Giles sings. SHUT UP PEDOPHILE GILES. And Buffy and Riley can’t stop fucking. HAVE FUN FUCKING BUFFANDRA AND RILESON.

So the frat house was haunted because of a stupid old lady, or something. My fraternity has no cause to be haunted, although we did have some close calls. My sophomore year we sent two kids to the emergency room. One for a concussion and one was almost blinded. Another guy grew a sweet Magnum P.I. mustache. YES WE WERE TOTAL BADASSES, IT’S TRUE.

As the episode ends with everything going back to normal, I guess it time to fess up that Anya is now my favorite character of the show. She says weird shit and loves to get nailed. I can’t say I appreciate her current taste in men, but that’s a kind of chick with whom I can get down. I WILL SEE YOU IN MY DREAMS LATER ANYA. JUST YOU AND ME AND THE PARADISE THAT AWAITS US.

Buffy S4E17 Soup or SARS

In which the midget sized suicidal guy from that earlier season and also the last season of Mad Men is back and is still a total weiner.

One can only assume that this whole episode is one big gimmick involving the ultimate fantasy of the wiener kid who wanted to off himself in one of the previous seasons. He’s also practically dwarvish. I’m sorry but I am incredibly racist against short people and I don’t like this horrible midget sucking up all this screen time. I hope the twist at the end is that he’s actually dead and this was all his final thoughts going through is smaller than average head before all brain activities cease forever. GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE SHORT PERSON YOU MAKE ME SICK.

Hey how could they make the Bronze and even worse place? I know, get a horribly dated swing band to play in zoot suits. And I forgot to mention how in one of the previous episode at the Bronze they had puzzles and board games stacked in the background next to a spinner rack full of paperback books. What is this, a music club or a preteen fucking rec center? THIS STUPID PLACE IS MORE UNREALISTIC THAN THE GOD DAMN DEMONS AND VAMPIRES.

This episode really sucks right now. I think I must have missed something too because midget guy is still acting like James Bond the rockstar without any explanation and it’s almost half way over. Whatever, I’m going to go read about sports while this is playing.

Cyborg Franks and Steins says it’s all a magical dream. Great, what a waste of time the last 25 minutes have been.

HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO FUCKING BORING. NOT EVEN A PAWN/PRAWN JOKE CAN SAVE IT.

You know what would be a better premise for an episode than this crap? (this is also a dream scenario for just about every show I’ve ever seen). Some demon casts a magical spell to make every word that comes out of everyone’s mouth sound like a fart. But the people don’t hear the farts, they hear the words and sentences that everyone means to say. But we as the audience just hear farts. A whole hour of farts. Tell me that wouldn’t be brilliant. It would be brilliant. It would be brilliant as fuck.

The wrap up is as corny and unrelatable as you’d expect. I WAS ALSO LED TO BELIEVE FROM THE TITLE THAT WE WOULD SEE AN APPEARANCE OF MARY KATHERINE GALLAGHER. WHY WAS I MISLED IN SUCH A CRUEL AND UNNECESSARY MANNER? Motherfuck this episode up its motherfucking butt.

Buffy S4E16 Whoo-ore, You

In which the North American Watcher Slayer Love Association adds kidnapping to their litany of crimes against humanity while Willow and whats her face the lesbian decide to go full dyke.

You’d think by now that the teen dork squadron of young detectives would have some sort of distress code word so they could let the others know there is some mystical shenanigans at play. These types of shagsbereans misunderstandings happen all the god damn time. Figure it out already.

If you found yourself the victim of a body snatch and in possession of a corpus not originally yours, how long do you think it would take to convince people you know that you’re really someone else? I wouldn’t think it would take that long. Just start talking about shit no one else would know about, right? Like, bringing up childhood facts and what not? But instead in the movies, like in this episode for instance, they always try to yell and fight their way through, like that would convince anyone.

Faith-as-Buffy’s euphemism for being a lesbian: “so Willow doesn’t drive stick anymore.” From context clues it’s safe to assume that ‘stick’ here means penis and ‘drive’ implies fucking that penis.

After a couple seasons of Buffy dressed in non-slutty clothes, it’s a nice change of pace to see possessed Buffy dress like a total whoo-ore. On the other hand, Buffy needs to eat a god damn sandwich. Sacks of antlers are not attractive. A little meat on the bones is preferable to the Somalian look. Still, SHE WAS A WHORE TONY, A WHORE.

Uh, what the fuck just happened between Willow and other witch lesbian? She came, right? That was supposed to be Willow coming? Is this what lesbians fantasize about? Sitting on pillows, touching palms with other lesbians and having magically induced orgasms?

Buffy and Faith originally switch back, after Faith, while occupying Buffy’s body and beating the shit out of her own, implies that she enjoys beating the fuck out of herself and that most of her problems can probably be traced back to some deep seating psychological self-hatred. And Buffy learns that Riley slept with her body while Faith was in control. AS WOULD ANY GUY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD WOULD IN SIMILAR SITUATIONS.

A so so two parter. The premise was cliche and they didn’t do all that much with it to move it out of cliche territory. Not egregious by any stretch of the imagination though.

Buffy S4E15 This Year’s Swirly

In which my future wife Faith is back and having crazy dreams that for some weird reason don’t all involve being penetrated by my erection.

This has to be the worst outfit Xander’s ever worn, which, if you’ve been paying attention to my constant critique of his flaming homosexual tendencies, you’d know it’s down right re-god-damn-diculous. But why would you pay attention to something like that? You really need to find something better to do.

In between episodes I watched the pilot for the Starz network’s Spartacus: Some Blood and Some Sand. It was a healthy respite from the non-stop bombardment of Buffy, and I appreciated the gratuitous smattering of CGI blood, nudity (so much nudity), and cursing (F bombs and seawards akimbo). Hopefully it’ll maintain my interest because I need some R rated action to counteract the PG performances in Buffandra. For instance, no one in Sulleydale, not even the evil villains, is going to scream in the middle of fight, “I’ll fuck your women! I’ll fuck you all!” That was a pretty awesome scene. Nice work Sparadicus.

Anyway, hot piece of ass Faith escapes from a creepy dilapidated haunted hospital and give teen dork team something else to worry about besides cyborg Frank N. Stein.

I’m still not sold on Dushku the thespian (no psuedo double entendre intended there), but I do enjoy the lines the writers give her. She calls Buffy a slut for moving on “to the next college beefstick that comes here way.” Hah, beefstick. Man I want a fucking Slim Jim so bad right now.

Also, holy jesus does Sarah Michelle Gellar look retarded when she runs. You couldn’t get someone to teach you how to run by now? Unless she has scoliosis you really shouldn’t look that spastic.

Also, nice video tape cassette player, jagov.

Faith’s supposed to have been in a coma for like, a couple years, or something, but when she wakes up she’s ready to go toe to toe with Buffy in a fight. Slayer physiology accounted for, I don’t think that should be possible. So sayeth I, Dorkimus Maximus.

Faith also picked up an Ultimate Nullifier looking device from her dead former mentor, zany insane evil mayor, and uses it to trade bodies with Buffy. Oh boy, the old switcheroo. They certainly use that gimmick a fair amount on this show. Obviously the first thing I would do if I found myself inhabiting the body of Buffy Summers is to immediately find a bathroom and start masturbating. But that’s just me.

And Giles is visited by some tough guys that I’m guessing are related to his mostly unknown, John Constintine-eque past. How will I be able to withstand this tantalizing cliffhanger?!? By watching the next episode literally right now.

Buffy S4E14 Good fries, I owe ya

In which the rubber suited demons are now equipped with shiny plastic bits.

How did this big half robot frankenstein escape the initiative anyway? Last we saw him he had just murdered the evil professor bitch, Doctor Walsh, and now he’s just walking around outside. Isn’t there supposed to be crazy security in that place? Don’t they have video cameras all out the ass?

Looks like the Initiative’s plan is going to be to frame Buffy for the murder of Dr. Warsh. And new guy Riley has taken her steed as unrealistic character flip floper. He is a psychopath now. Whatever, just quit your job, loser. You get to pound out hot slayer poon, that’s better than avenging the death of your lesbianic bitch ass former boss.

Speaking of lesbians, super sexy spoiler, in that Willow turns lez and starts dating the chubby blond witch she’s been hanging out with. That seems a little silly, since she already dated werewolf Oz. So either she was lying before or is a bisexual now. I guess bisexual makes sense, because all women are secretly bi and also begging for it and definitely want it even when they’re saying no and clawing at your face and screaming in horror.

Meanwhile, Buffy is rocking the glasses and bunned up hair quite sexily. Then she can be like, I’m just a nerd that doesn’t know what I’m doing but maybe if I just take these glasses off and shake my hair out and then get butt naked I’ll be able to induce boners from men.

You can tell cyborg frankenstein is hi-tech because of his floppy disk drive. Hah! What a fucking joke. THAT HAD CD ROM’S BACK THEN YOU DUMMIES, GET A FUCKING CLUE.

Then the monster escapes and Riley is in a hospital and some demons fuck Spike up for being a Benedict Arnold vampire snitch bitch. Not a very inspiring episode. I need to break up the Buffy monotony but I’m having trouble picking a suitable alternative since powering through the Shield. Calinfornication is pretty stupid and Dexter has hooked me yet. Rescue Me? I dunno, maybe.

Buffy S4E13 The Iron Peen

In which the army men decide Buffy is operating without any decent restraint, totally beyond the pale of any acceptable human conduct, and order her to be terminated, terminated with extreme prejudice.

I don’t need to see Xander’s breasts. Buy bigger shirts, fruitcake. And Buffy, stop wearing giant aprons for dresses.

Spike says he wants nothing more to do with the team of supernatural dorkwads, but obviously the actor is featured in the opening credits so it’s not like he’s going anywhere. Expect him to be forced to ask said dorks for help, all the while making cracks about them with his detached sardonic British wit. Then expect him to ask Buffy to cut down the largest tree in the forest with, A HERRING!

The initiative of handsome model demon fighters may not be as altruistic as the dork squad originally thought the shadowy covert government organization of unlimited power and resources was at first. But Buffy is still lusting after Riley’s hot dong meat and so doesn’t seem to mind that the commandos and their cunty chief scientist in charge may be evil.

And there’s Spike, back at Giles’ place, asking for help, right on cue to start act III of the episode.

And then the Initiative shows their true colors by setting Buffy up to be killed by demons while cunty scientist in charge watches over CCTV while sipping a warm mug of chihuahua piss. Will Buffy ever gain studly carnal knowledge without the attendant drama, betrayals and attacks of rubber suited demons? Highly dubious. Anywho, Buffay survives, and is now hip to Professor Bitch’s elaborate ruse, AND SHE WANTS FUCKING BLOOD. GET READY TO GET FUCKED, CUNT.

Not the best “reveal” episode. Professor whats her face had the potential for being an interesting character, but her instant metamorphosis into a psychopathic cartoon super villain was less than convincing. Oh, and she just got stabbed to death by one of her pet mutant frankensteins. Oops. So long beyotch.

SO SHE’S DEAD.

Buffy S4E12 A Newd Man

In which Giles gets his shit absolutely ruined.

So Giles is feeling like a piece of shit because he’s a creepy old pedophile and all he does is hang out with young attractive college kids with super powers, so naturally he goes down to the pub with an old friend to get shit housed. When he wakes up he finds himself turned into a be-horned gibberish growling demon.

I think he gets better by the end of the episode but I’m not sure. I fell asleep before it ended. I liked this episode because it showed Giles as the pathetic freak you’d expect him to be if he were real. I mean seriously, the whole concept of the watchers is ridiculous. 15 year old smoking hot chick needs a mentor? Great, lets make it a 45 year old British guy. That’s totally cool.

Then there’s something about the number 314 signalling the end of the world (dude, the world is threatened with annihilation every other god damn week. Odds are that shit would have happened a long time ago.) 314, incidentally, is California penal code for masturbating in public. I know, from experience.

By the way, we’ve reached the middle of season 4, which is officially half way through the whole series. So far my only regret is watching every episode.

Buffy S4E11 Dorked

In which new guy Riley convinces Buffy to play the game ‘just the tip’.

All Buffy wears these days are baggy pants and ankle length dresses. Back when she was an underclassman in high school she would wear skimpy skirts and calf high fuck me boots. Did she turn Amish at some point and I missed it? This is bullshit.

Anyway, Riley’s part of team teen dork squad now, I guess. And so is Spike. Oz, Angelo and Cordelya are all fired. So it’s kind of a wash, because all those dudes are lame but I do miss Kordee’s breastesus.

The hellmouth was going to open up again and doom the world, but then Buffy and the gang (bang) stop that from happening and thew world is doomed no longer. Then Buffy and Riley bone. That’s pretty much it. I don’t really feel like doing a much more involved recap. I’m on day 2 of alcoholic bender recovery and still feel like dog shit. Maybe if I drink this whole pot of coffee I’ll feel like being more creative. Or not. Either way, caffeine is a hell of a drug.

Buffy S4E10 Hump

In which Buffy has a wet dream in the middle of class.

God damn I’m still fucking hungover. Buffy and this new guy are doing a lot of eye fucking this episode. Just bone already.

Spike is still around. I guess people like his character. MAYBE he has a funny line every now and then but mostly he’s a douche bag. I don’t even like using the insult douche bag anymore but Spike is most definitely one.

My butt itches.

The rubber suited monster of the week has stolen the denizens of Soggydale’s ability to speak. Well, that’ll make this episode a hell of a lot better. There is a relatively famous issue of G.I. Joe the comic book from the 80’s in which Stromshadow wrecks a bunch of Corba ass ninja style and there’s zero dialog in the whole book. People accused the writer, the awesome Larry Hama, of just being lazy. Kind of like when John Byrne “drew” a fight scene in the middle of a blizzard and it was just pages of empty panels, word bubbles and sound effects. History lesson aside, clearly the episode was just an excuse for the writers to hand in a short script and then go play golf.

What do you do when the entire town goes mute? Hawk dry erase message boards on the street, as one enterprising citizen does. THATS GOOD CAPITALISM BABY.

A “YES WE’RE OPEN” hand made bed sheet sign a nod to Clerks? I think so. Hey are there any balls down there? JUST ABOUT THE BIGGEST PAIR YOU’VE EVER SEEN, DINGLEBERRY.

Nice overhead transparency projector Giles. What are you, old or something?

Wow, I think that was the biggest laugh this show got from me yet. Buffy is trying to tell everyone that she’s going to go stab the villains, so she pantomimes a jerk off motion. Haha. Hey ever fart so bad that you have to stop jerking off? Yeah, me neither.

Another guffaw. This time when nympho Anya gave Xander the in-out, p-in-the-v finger in the OK symbol. Add in Spike’s two fingered, British V for fuck off and this may be the most hilarious show to date. Though that is not a terribly high hurdle.

Then Buffy screamed and made all the bad guys’ heads explode. Not a bad episode this time. Not bad at all.

Buffy S4E9 Something Poo

In which Willow sucks at casting spells.

Holy shit I am hungover. Willow casts a spell and if fucks everything up and Buffy and Spike make out. Then things are back to normal. Then I throw up in the terlit and go back to bed.

What? Every trip to the mound isn’t a perfect game. I just need to sleep for 14 more hours and I’ll be fine. If you’re dying to know more details just look the shit up on the internet. This isn’t fucking wikipedia you know.

Buffy S4E8 Pang Pang Pang Pang, Vamanos Vamanos

In which the red man finally redresses the sins perpetrated against him by the world’s worst football team, the Washington Redskins who are all terrible assholes and slime sucking degenerates. Die Redskins. Die all of the deaths you shitheads.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before but the lyrics to the main song to Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3 for PS2 and Xbox fit perfectly with the theme song to Fluffy the Vampire Fluffer.

Why the fuck is Buffy wearing a cowboy hat?

AH HAHAHA - Some dirt worshipping savage just slit the anthropology teacher’s throat! That kind of shit on a show like this cracks me up. She’s in her office and then it’s like, hey who’s this dark skinned man in a leather vest? GLERK! And I’m dead. Ha ha ha.

Uh oh, Harmony’s got some pokies comin through that tight top of hers! Those are some all right looking sweater puppets, I’ll tell you that much. Also I have no idea what’s actually going on in this episode because I’ve been drinking for a while. Ha ha, it’s the Injun again. How white pussy - me Tonto kill um big racist imperial oppressor. Now me go smoke um peace pipe in tee pee peenus. Haha, he’s got fucking face paint on. This show is mad prejudice.

This Anya chick is also funny. She’s all after Xander’s dick like a cock craving cumthirsty hobag. I’d let her demonize my loins if you know what I’m talking about. She’s taking care of Xander here because he’s all sick. Just let him die already. Jeez. Make life easy for yourselves for once.

Buffy is cooking thanksgiving dinner and acting like a really bitchy mom. I NEED TO FINISH THIS PIE SO WOULD YOU PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE AND GO SEE WHAT YOUR FATHER IS DOING? HEY! HEY! LISTEN: YOUR COUSIN WANTS TO SHOW YOU HIS NEW POWER RANGER TOYS. GO SEE HIM AND LET ME MAKE OUR DESSERT? PLEASE? THANK YOU.

There’s a lot of PC back and forth about indigenous rights and what not, and I’m way too bombed to even come up with a coherent thought, but check this out, I DO know that native americans haven’t been EXTERMINATED, FUCKIN GILES. Go to an indian reservation and find out for yourself why don’t you. Those types make up a not inconsequential voting constituency in the Dakota states I’ll have you know.

Wow, this is a really terrible royale rumble between racist depictions of indians and the Buffy dork squad. Spike getting shot full of arrows and his slapstick quips are fairly amusing but I’m pretty sure this episode blows. And fails at being socially and racially aware. But I am rather sozzled so no promises on my part. I wish I had more episodes of the Sheild to watch.

Oh wait, 2 other things. 1) Angelo is back. Fuck a duck, who the hell made that decision? 2) Thanksgiving is NOT about pilgrims and indians breaking bread and snarfing maize. It’s about some old lady writing into a magazines and petitioning the president to start recognizing a feast day that varied from city to city in the pre-modern US. So fuck off Indians, IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. Jesus Christ I just want to eat my chex mix, watch football and then gorge myself on slayed bird. Stop laying hundreds of years of guilt perpetrated upon you by long dead white people WHO WERE NOT RELATED TO ME while I’m trying to get fed. All “my people” came over on boats after the civil war. So all previous grievance holders can direct their complaints to the bottom of my ass. Did I mention by the way that I’m sauced and nothing I wrote should make a lick of sense?

CHAMPAGNE COCKTAILS FOR EVERYONE.

Buffy S4E7 The Jizznitiative

In which Xander gets to play army man and wins some medals and says these are from army mother.

HAHA, Buffy you suck at getting froyo you stupid fuckin bitch. Learn how to pull levers with more delicacy you god damn klutz. Or just eat a fucking bagel next time, loser.

The massive dykie professor cunt is totally unrealistic. I’ve has some skid marks for teachers before but you still can’t get away with being an in-you-face bitch on wheels all the time. Students still pay professor’s salary. They still fill out course evaluations at the end of each class. Even the bastards with tenure don’t have a licence to shit all over the paying customers. Worst case is you get a total chode my academic advisor who would do his comedian impression and read off “funny” emails he was forwarded at the beginning of class and awkwardly chuckle to the clutch of hot suck ups that would sit in the front of class. That guy was a real asshole.

Hey remember when Moby was cool? I’m asking because I sure as fuck don’t know. Hopefully it was when this episode aired and the playing of Bodyrock didn’t sound as retarded as it does hearing it being blasted at a frat party now. Actually I’m pretty sure I was at many frat parties that played Moby when I was in college. WE ROCK THE PARTY ROCK THE FART TEA.

Hey is harmony that bitchy blond girl from summer camp in Adams Family 2? Holy shit did I have the biggest crush on Christina Ricci back then. I mean i was 12 or something but she gave me the biggest tiny adolescent boner ever. Anyway, Harmony’s sissy slap fight with Xander made me laugh. Haw - queers.

Oh good. TA douche and psych Prof Seaward are part of the covert vamp commandos. It’s about time this series acknowledges that more than just one high school chick and her creepy pedophile old male friend have to know that the world is teeming with manifest horrors from the underworld.

And Spike is back. Fabulous. As they say in jolly old Angulland, he’s a right pooftah, innit ‘ee? He has trouble sucking the blood out of Willow and fails and it turns into a hilarious metaphor for dudes not being able to get boners with which to stick in girls verginuhs. That would never happen with me and Christina Ricci. I LOVE YOU WEDNESDAY ADAMS. YOU CAN BE MY LITTLE GOTH BABYDOLL ANYTIME YOU WANT.

Easily a better episode than the last two stale queefs. So allow me to submit a few words of advice: KEEP FIRING ASSHOLES.

Buffy S4E6 Wild at... shoot, what rhymes with heart?

In which Oz finally get’s his werewolf ass snatched up in a bear trap CLACK CLACK and gets kicked off the show to the sounds of much rejoicing.

Would it kill the producers get a decent band for these fake Bronze gigs? Is it that hard to find a talented band to appear on a network TV show? OK, one of the ass networks, but whatever, I’m sure they could go to any decent club in LA and find better groups that would appear free of charge in exchange for the exposure. Or maybe that’s what they did and the producer’s taste in music really is similar to that of an army latrine.

Uh oh, Oz and Willow are having relationship difficulties, which is about as fun to watch as copper oxidizing, which can take a long as decades, so what I’m saying is they’re both boring as fuck. Their main issue stems from Oz boning a chubby blond chick who is also a werewolf. SNOOZE. Everyone knows the best werewolf romance is found in the 1985 New Mutants Special Edition #1 featuring the Scottish mutant teenage girl Wolfsbane and Hrimhari the young Wolf Prince of Asgard, as depicted by the masters Chris Claremont, Arthur Adams and Terry Austin.

Good lord! This band is atrocious. That chubby chick sings like dying whales fuck. Like Madonna with down syndrome. Like Sloth from the fucking Goonies.

Willow is so distraught by Oz’s bestial infidelities that she spacily walks right into oncoming traffic, only to be saved by goofy teacher’s assistant guy from professor robo bitch’s poorly informed psych class. They keep giving that guy scenes so I assume at some point we’ll learn that he has super powers too. Maybe he’ll have a cool ability, like laser beam eyes or belching the alphabet.

I really hope the douche commandos and shit psych class people end up having some quality plot pay off at some point because this season is tanking in a hurry. I thought the first few episodes were fine but these last two were straight up ass. Ok, werewolf Oz biting the other werewolf’s neck to death was all right. I guess. BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH. DEE MINUS.