Buffy S3E3 Faith, Hos and Tricks

In which it is like hot gringa slayer bitches are falling from the sky.

Have to give credit for the cold opening, which introduced us to a new villain, who is not only black (soul brother bonus!) but comments on the fact that a) there are no African-Americans in Sooeydale, and b) there are enough murders to make a mob movie blush and no one says or does squat about it. So at least I know the writers are (or were anyway) conscious of these two peeves of mine. And then this new black guy, Mr Trick (that name is about as nice as Noah Vanderhoff’s), goes all crazy vampire and kills the shit out of a fast food drive through window guy, which I enjoyed.

What I don’t get why Buffy is fighting to get back into high school. She was always complaining about not having enough time to devote to slaying, and it’s not like she needs the education. She has super powers and guaranteed life time employment. So fuck high school.

And now there’s new wiener kid vying for Buffy’s attention and mouth access. His name is Scott, and according to the official Buffy universe wikipedia, SCOTT loves to FROT! Hah, no I made that up. But seriously, he looks hot to frot to me. Scott’s appearance is balanced out by the introduction of Faith, played by the ridiculously hot Eliza Dukshu. I don’t want to be crass about this or anything but I want to make cumsies on her breastusis. And Sarah Michelle Gellar is showing some very decent cleve herself. Man this is easily one of the creepies paragraphs I’ve ever typed.

There’s also some talk about some Council of Pedophile Watchers. But why do you need even two watchers, let alone many watchers that would necessitate an entire council? (That’s the second Wayne’s World reference so far for anyone keeping track). Seriously though, you’re only supposed to have one slayer at a time, why so many god damned pedophilic watchers?

Also Dukshu’s fighting skills are even more awkward than Gellar’s, which is really saying something. Instead of breakdance fighting it’s skinny spastic honkey slut fighting.

Anyway, those two prostitutey looking vampire hunters start off snipping at each other like a couple of bitches but then team up like pals and kill a real tall, old, oafish looking vampire who may have also been mildly retarded (my personal theory, that is). So now that means those two need to MAKE OUT. Come on, do it! Make out already! Come on, fucking kiss you whores!

A marked improvement from last episode’s crapulence. Everything just worked better, even the overly quippy dialog. Or maybe I’m just biased because it featured a cameo by the most excellent John Ennis from Mr Show with Bob and motherfucking David. His father started this business with a simple motto, you know. “People, selling people, to people”. SO DON’T TELL ME THAT I’M FAT.

Buffy S3E2 Bedpan Party

In which Buffy just finishes sending her ex-boyfriend straight to hell and her mom is already hanging evil Nigerian death masks on her bedroom wall; what the hell are you doing, Mom, you fucking cunt!

We’ve been following Buffy and the teen dork detective squad for a while now, so I was thinking of taking inventory of the epithets we’ve established, using my favorite Homeric example, circumspect Penelope, as inspiration. Let’s see, we got: Hot piece of ass Buffy, Pedophile Giles, Buffy’s bonable mom, dork ass Willow, dildo Oz, super bitch Cordelia, British asshole vampire Spike, pale faced pussy vampire Angelo, Mary Poppins the vampire, sexy dead comp sci teacher whatsherface, principal Synder, and faggot Xander. Ok fine, we can use butt cake or big pud Xander instead. See? I’m not unreasonable.

Incidental pud point of personification: Xander nicknames himself “Night Hawk”. I rest my case (Night Hog would have been better).

This was a real dud of an episode. And I mean it stank. The gang throw Buffy a “party” to celebrate her return but it gets ruined by the evil Nigerian death mask that Buffy’s mom hung up in the house and because the “party” is total bullshit. Strike 1: there is a band playing the living room of a house. This does not ever happen. Plus the band is fucking terrible. More of Seth Green’s band’s aural diarrhea. Strike 2: there are heaps of chips and soda but no one playing drinking games and getting annihilated. No one over the age of 14 would stay at this chode knob bonanza. Stike 3: everyone PMSes all over Buffy for some lame reason or another and it’s really annoying. SHUT UP TURDS.

Oh yeah and the evil mask causes a dick load of zombies to attack. How do you manage to make a zombie attack boring as hell, you ask? Beats me, I would think it’d be impossible. But they seem to manage no problem in this episode.

Anyway, Buffy stabs some old lady in the face with a shovel (for real) and the episode ends. BOOOOOOO. Has season 5 of the Shield finished downloading yet? God damn it FiOS! You said I’d get blazing connection speeds, the fasted fiber optic technology allows. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS HORSESHIT YOU ASSHOLES?

Buffy S3E1 Yam

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Buffy S2E22 Becunnilingus Partido Duo

In which Buffy turns her back on Cunnydale and walks away like the no good, low down, yellow bellied, slime suckin, mother lovin, gold darn, sonovagun coward she is, you fuckin bitch, Buffy.

Finally finished with season two and I really don’t feel like writing anything about it. Felt too much like a chore. But season two was a massive improvement over season two and I would like to see if that trend continues. Whedon’s done enough all right stuff since to give him the benefit of the doubt. As I've mentioned, I am not the target audience of this show, even though I was in high school when it came out, and I do not thing the show has aged well, campy special effects notwithstanding.

So anyway, what the fuck happened here. Buffy was finally forced to tell her mom she’s a slayer, something she should have down in the very first episode, but at least it’s finally happening. Buffy teams up with Spike to kill Angelo and Buffy succeeds, sending Angleman to hell where he belongs (wait, doesn’t he get his own spin off series? Does that take place in hell? Because that might actually be awesome). I think Spike is still evil and still has a terrible name but who can take him seriously since he speaks like a British fop and spent the last bunch of episodes whining in his wheelchair like a great big bitch. And, something about the rest of the teen detective dork squad and pederast Giles, I’m not sure. Whatever. Then Buffy leaves Sumatradale for good.

OR DOES SHE??????

I guess we’ll find out in season 3, because I’m a glutton for punishment, but not before I watch a motherfuck ton of episodes of the Shield. Glen Close is the new captain you say? Well that sounds all right, let’s do that.

Season 2 grade: C. C- when Seth Green’s character and band are factored in. C+ when compared against putrid season 1.

Buffy S2E21 Bee Cum Ink Parto Uno

In which Kendra the black vampire slayer is killed because this show is incredibly racist.

Fart one of the two fart season finale. Oh boy I can’t believe I’ve really made it this far. I mean I really thought I would have stopped watching by now, after that putrid first season anyway.

But here I am, lapping it up like a sucker and begging for more. OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE KEEP STABBING THE SHIT OUT OF RUBBER MASKED VAMPIRES IN SHORT SKIRTS AND TIGHT SWEATERS YOUNG NUBILE BONER INDUCING VAMPIRE SLAYER, YOU KNOW I LOVE THAT SHIT.

The season’s conclusion looks like it’s going to try and wrap up this whole evil angelo plot and make it OK for him to go back to slaying the vampire slayer (if you know what I mean by “slaying” that is, haha. Well the first time I say slaying in that sentence anyway. The second time just means regular old slaying, like murder in the age off swords and scorcery. The first time I mean slaying as in murdering box, like a penis going into a vagina, that kind. Whelp, glad we cleared that up!).

To help with this termendously important task, the second hot teenaged slayer (african american variety, er, afro-caribbean technically), returns to lend Buffy a helping labia. But she’s killed by Mary Poppins the Vampire. So she’s dead.

I forget exactly how they’re supposed to accomplish this Angelo-undickening but I think it involves the 3.5” floppy disk that I thought was going to be used to bring sexy comp sci teacher back from the dead. It was tough to follow these last two episodes because I watched them at my brother’s place at night and I kept the volume way down so as not to wake his two sleeping children. I think I liked it better with the sound nearly off, to be honest. I didn’t get frustrated with all the god damn quippy dialog. It’d be one thing if it was just Xander talking like a total sarcastic jagov all the time, but when every fucking character is doing it is when I start rooting for the vampires. It’s like, YES, KILL THOSE SMART ASSES. DRAIN THEIR BLOOD AND SHUT THEM UP FOREVER.

The episode ends with Buffy being framed for the murder of Kendra and cops trying to arrest her. This is another thing I find really annoying about this show. Every episode involves a couple few untimely deaths, mostly of teenagers. And even when Buffy kills a vampire, isn’t it implied that they were recently normal high school kids, on account of their dress and appearance? No one seems to give a shit that there’s been like, a hundred dead fuckers in one town in the last year. In a suburb! Fuckin ridiculous. I suppose I should cut them slack because there’s only so much time in an episode and only so many characters we as the audience can care about, but there’s really only so much suspending of my disbelief I can muster.

Alright, let’s get this fucking shit over with.

Buffy S2E20 Go Fish Yourself

In which Xander gets his schvitz on with a bunch of naked high school guys and oh come on what do you expect me to do with that?

Why are team dork squad and crew always at Sauconydale high school at night? High schools don’t stay open 24/7. They close that shit down and put up those folding metal gates in all the hallways. And then when you forgot a textbook you need for homework you have to hustle your ass back and pray to god the janitor Mr Lumis hasn't locked the hall with your locker in it yet. Or else you’re going to have to call a bunch of people and figure out a way to borrow their book but chances are most of them are either going to wait to the last minute to do it or don’t even have the textbook, having long since thrown that crap out because who reads textbooks, huh nerd? You? You read this shit?

It’s a nice change of pace that the show decided not to use the Shiadale football team as the stereotypical jock bullies, but the swim team? Now that’s stretching credulity thinner than Xander’s measly wiener. Anyway, the swim team is taking steroids and turning them into evil monsters from the blarg lagoob. Please, like steroids are a big deal. We’ve all done them. We’ve all enjoyed the beefy, grainy muscle mass that rapidly accrues like a trophy wife’s credit card bill (eh, that analogy was iffy). We’ve all put up with the zitty chest and horrible bacne and teeny tiny shrunken testicles just to get that ripped, cut look, like sumpin mickleangelo cahved outta da mahble. So what if it turns some swimmers into deformed fish monsters? Big fucking deal. Go sell some medicine, bitch, I’m tryin to get that oil!

The episode ends with the evil coach who was the mastermind behind the whole thing being torn to pieces by the awful fish man mutants he helped create. I’ll bet that’s how Troy McClure would have wanted to go.

Ok so now thats like another 12 dead high schoolers and I need to take a break from 2 straight buffies and go back to the Shield. I really thought I could power through these last two episodes BUT NOT WHEN THE ENDING IS 4 DUDES IN GREEN RUBBER SUITS SWIMMING OUT TO SEA LIKE ASSHOLE DOLPHINS.

Buffy S2E19 I Only Spread Thighs For You

In which Buffy hops in her DeLorean, guns it to 88, accidentally runs over Einstein and goes back in fuggin tyme.

You know this stupid teenage club, the Bronze, the one that can never happen in real life just like the vampires and shit which is the whole point of this made up show? Well anyway, I think that place looks like a major fire hazard. Maybe now that they’ve shown no qualms about offing main characters, one of the upcoming episodes could feature a little Rhode Island night club fire action. You know the one where all the people burned alive? What? That’s not insensitive, it would be happening on a fake made up show and not in real life. Oh you are just way too uptight.

Seriously though, the “band” playing in this episode needs to die in a fire. They are horrendous. They sound a little bit like Matthew Sweet if Matthew Sweet forgot how to sing or play any instruments and sucked a fat fucking dick. Woof.

The 1950’s was apparently not any safer to be around Sunnyveil than the 1990’s because some stupid ghost (hey it’s Sol Star from Deadwood, or if you prefer, Kenny Powers' brother) is haunting the place... WITH A GUN. And he fills the cafeteria’s lunches WITH SNAKES. And fills the high school halls... WITH BEES. AH NO, NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! OH GOD!

And then Buffy and the detective squad of dorks save the day and nothing else interesting happens. Aw, just when I thought we were getting somewhere.

Also: STOP SAYING FUCKING WIGGINS YOU SHITHEADS. JESUS ALREADY.

Buffy S2E18 Killed by Bad Breath

In which Buffy sinks Death’s battleship and keeps her excellent adventure from turning into a bogus journey.

The rubber suited MOTW is none other than the grim reaper himself. Not the most original but at least he didn’t have a meatloaf for an arm. Speaking of shoveling up this portal curl, Jenny Calendar has indeed moved on to life’s great reward. It’s the fuckin truth: Jenny Calendar is dead as Swayze.

So I’ll be honest, I blew it. I looked it up on Wikipedia and she returns as a ghost once or twice but that’s it. So spoiler times for everyone, including my pride. Also I forgot that Buffy blew up a demon with a god damn bazooka a couple episodes ago. So basically I’m a fucking idiot and this show is not quite as retarded as I’ve been saying it is. Shit.

The best part of this episode was also Buffy getting the flu, because then her mom has to wait on her and it’s like MOM, GET ME THE FUCKING MEATLOAF.

Then Buffy was all like, Mom, just get me a Pepsi, all I wanted was a Pepsi.

All right, this is a waste of time. Lets just get through the rest of the season.

Buffy S2E17 Just Passion By

In which Buffy is Under Seige and Marked for Death by Angel who is On Deadly Ground but Hard to Kill while Jenny Calendar is Out for Justice and Xander stays at home and watches Steven Seagal: Lawman

Last episode was a real hoot (by hoot I mean it was a stupid piece of shit), so naturally this episode is changing things up by sicking a deranged Angelo on Buffai and all of her family. Oh no! Watch out Buffee and friends, there’s a pale brooding hunk of a vampire out to murder your pals! Quick bitch, hurray up and save their honkey asses!

Hey have you ever noticed that Willoe always sounds like her nose is stuffed up? Go see an ENT already, you sound like you’ve got mucuses plugging up your schnoz.

Angel’s super cereal voice of is god damn dumb. “Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love, the clarity of hatred and the ecstasy of grief.” WHAT? THAT IS FUCKING NONSENSE. There is no clarity in hatred nor ecstasy in grief. That’s just hamfisted juxtaposition of hackneyed emo-words. Its stupid, cheap and easy. Check it out: The thrill of sorrow, the exhilaration of sloth, the torpor of agony. Actually I like mine better. Here’s another one: the shame of orgasm.

And now everyone thinks Jenny Colander is dead. But unlike these hysterical crying bitches, my perceptive ass noticed the orb of Thessela (another Sandman reference? Eh, probably not), that Jenknee procured earlier has the power to restore people’s souls, which is what they’ll use to bring that sexy school teacher back to life. Or they could just let Giles go all necro on that fine dead poon, what do I care? AS LONG AS THAT HACK JAGOV ANGEL STOPS VOMITING UP NONSENSE ABOUT “PASSION.” JESUS.

Hah, there, see? They made pretend like she stayed dead and buried up until the last scene when the focused in on a floppy disc (haha, remember that shit?) that fell of Ms Calendur’s desk, which will have some program or something that they’ll use to bring her back, along with the orb. I swear I haven’t looked it up, but I can guarantee that’s what they do by the end of the season.

Or I could be wrong, either way, I’m still a queer for guessing.

Buffy S2E16 Bewitched, Bothered and Be, Aggressive, B-E Agressive

In which Xander is forced to once again pump himself off.

You know how I said the opening theme song to Buffy was shit? Well it is, but I’ve been hearing it so often that the god damn thing is stuck in my head all the fucking time. STUPID FUCKING NERD HERDERS! YOUR SCRUFFINESS IS ONLY MATCHED BY YOUR RETARDEDNESS, YOU PIMPLY ASS FACED FART BRAINS. At least I only have to hear it once every 45 minutes at most. Unlike the Aqua Teen Hunger Force theme song, which, though awesome and contains 100% more School D, gets annoying when played every 12 minutes while watching the ATHF DVDs.

The other good news is that barf breathed nose picker Oz also has a shit band with an amusing name that gets old fast, Dingoes Ate My Baby. I HOPE YOU FUCKER DIE. EAT SHIT AND SUFFOCATE ON FARTS. SUFFOCATE ON FARTS TO DEATH.

And Cordelia dumps Xander because her cool friends were making fun off her for dating a nerd, and on Valentine’s Day, too. Good, that’s how shit works in high school. People want to date the popular kids because popularity is the only fucking thing that matters. No one just happens to fall in love with someone of a lower social stratosphere. It’s all about getting ahead and making more friends then the next guy and all the rest of the lyrics from that Nada Surf song. Least that’s the way I remember things, during the bouts of sobriety in between meth binges, I mean.

So what does a wounded Xander do when the woman of his dreams (Wait, I thought that was supposed to be Buffy?) scorns him for the cool clique? Cast a love spell that goes horribly awry, of course. It sends all the double X chromosomes in Sumatradale screaming after Xander’s nuts, making for a very comprising situation replete with wacky hijinx. But Xander doesn’t take advantage of any of these enscorselled sluts, oh no. That would be a moral failing on Xander’s part and imply that he’s less then perfect, and this isn’t the type of show that allows for character flaws. That would make them interesting, and Buffy is strictly a show for boring ass fucktards.

This episode sucked, and gets extra demerits for the Dingoes Sucked My Baby Straight to Hell performance. D MINUS.

Buffy S2E15 Phases Loaded

In which Oz gets a hairy period

So Oz is a total cocksucker. And I don’t use that term lightly. I know I throw some abusive language around like it’s fun to do but I’ve seen what happened to that poor guy, Captain Acevedo, in the third season of the Shield and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Poor noble Captain Acevedo, just trying to do the right thing, bust a couple of drug dealers, following the trail of dirty money, then your back up gets lost and a junkies rapes your face. Oops, I mean, SPOILER ALERT.

Seriously, Seth Green ingratiates himself deeper within the series this episode, as a guy who every full moon decides to dress up in a cheap fur coat and an equally cheap wolf mask. Huh? What? You mean he’s supposed to be an actual werewolf? Well that’s just terrible.

And there’s another red herring where you think some other guy is going to be important and he makes some silver bullets for a sniper rifle but then he doesn’t kill Seth Green’s fake werewolf coat at all. PLEASE GOD WHY WON’T YOU SHOOT THAT FUCKIN WEREWOLF?

The teenage romance in the pants doesn’t slow down either, but I honesty lost track. I think what’s happening is Angelo’s a dick so Buffy is single but Xander is plowing Cordelia which pisses off Willow who runs to Oz except Oz is a total pussy and won’t bang Willow because he, in fact, has no penis. It’s fine, I guess. I don’t remember high school being this complicated but I was also high on ketamine most of the time so my recollection is admittedly hazy.

Next episode: MORE DOG SHIT.

Buffy S2E14 Innoszechuan Spicy Beef Lo Mein

In which Angel recites the motto of the Three Amigos and Buffy fills him so full of lead he starts using his dick for a pencil.

For some reason smoking cigarettes in the Buffyverse turns you evil, when all it does in real life is cause coolness. That’s just like a TV show to get everything all backwards. Like, when a guy on a TV show takes a laptop into the bathroom to take a dump and watch Netflix he’s considered a freak of nature, but when it happens in real life it just make you resourceful.

To further prove my point, Angelo also starts treating Buffy like a dick, telling her the sex meant nothing and laughing in her face when she cries and says she loves him. But in real life that wouldn’t make him evil, merely an ultimate bad ass deserving of a thundering high five. Way to go bro, you totally fucked that chick and didn’t even care! Up top!

Obviously he’s just faking. He’ll be back to his regular pussy self by the end of the episode or by the time I’m finished crapping, one of those two.

And in keeping with one of the tried and true sci fi cliches, the biggest dork of the series, Xander, duh, has two hot chicks fighting over him. The traditional hot chick, Cordelia, and the other hot chick who everyone in the show is pretending is homely and unattractive for the sake of character balance, Willow. In real life, Xander would be a chronic masturbater whose only friends would be other dorky or obese male virgins.

I guess the moral of this story is, girls, don’t ever sleep with guys, because they turn into great big pricks when you do, and refuse to make spoons and stay in bed and snuggle after spilling their demon seed inside of you. Well duh. We already got what we needed, why stay in bed and put up with your god forsaken yammering, that’s what I want to know.

And I guess I need to keep crapping because Angel is still not being a total pussy. Good thing I ate all those day old buffalo wings and extra blue cheese dressing earlier.

Buffy S2E13 Supplies!

In which Angel finally bends Buffy over, grabs her shoulder and slips his peter inside her folder.

So Mary Poppins the Vampire’s name is Drusilla? As in rhymes with Godzilla? Well that’s dumb.

Also dumb, Seth Green’s character’s name is Oz. Fuck that. Oz is the name of one of the first bad ass R rated serialized dramas on tv, a show crammed to the gills with drugs, murder and prison rapes. Such an august and proud name is not to be sullied by 5 foot tall walking dildo. Although Can’t Hardly Wait is a pretty underrated movie.

Wait, was that a Widespread Panic poster up in the high school hallway? Kind of an obscure college band for a late 90’s teen sci drama for middle schoolers, no? That almost makes up for the constant bombardment of the slang term “wigging” for freaking out. Almost. And Drewzilla’s horrible acting. Where’d they find this scrub?

Now Gienni Kalundur is a gypsy whose family holds an ancient grudge with Angelo, the pussy whipped vampire do-gooder? Maybe I should be paying more attention. Like to the new rubber suited bad guy named The Judge. He’s blue skinned and has horns and wears, from what I can tell, Oscar the Grouch’s home for armor. And Buffy and Angel don’t vanguish him this episode but they do manage to bone. Now THAT is some intra-species miscegenation I can get behind.

Say, vampires have no breath and no reflection, do they still have sperms? Can they get boners? Probably, right? I mean they still have blood, so they can still get stiffies, I’d imagine. So is banging humans like a step up for them? Like something they’d brag about to other vampires? So many questions.

And then the motherfucker ends with a ‘to be continued’. Bitch, I didn’t see no ‘part 1’ in the title. Fuck this shit.

Also it’s Buffy’s god damn birthday, and is now legal to bone in nearly all 50 states. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SLUT.

Buffy S2E12 Bad Smegma

In which Buffy has an egg-citing, egg-stravagent, egg-straordinary, egg-venture with her freggs, Xandegg, Willegg, Cordeliegg, and pederegg Giles.

Buffy totally fails at staking a vampire’s dead ass, but Xander is having no problem sucking face with Cordelia. Man I’m getting really bored writing about what happens in these episodes. I think I’ve been spoilt by too many years of exclusively watching serialized television. So I guess what I’m saying is this episodic bullshit can go right ahead and blow me.

So far this episode has revolved around fierce make out sessions, cowboy vampires with Vanderbeek-esque accents, and the take-home-an-egg-and-pretend-its-a-baby school project that happens on tv but never in real life. Buffy names her egg, Eggbert. Ah, how adorable, I would have named mine breakfast. Egg, cheese and Taylor ham on a plain bagel, WITH LOTS OF MAYONNAISE, yes that is what the most delicious breakfast there is.

By the way, how is “beat you like a red-headed step child” not considered horribly racist? I mean I despise gingers as much as the next guy but when you couple that phrase with the fact that there are no black people in Honkeydale, and I’m pretty sure it adds up to a very, very racist tv show.

The eggs from the high school eggsperiment (all right, that’s enough of that), turn out to hatch nasty rubber monsters that look not at all dissimilar to the facehuggers that hatch from the eggs in the ALIEN movies. At least they picked a decent movie series to rip-off.

Speaking of rip-offs, as it so happens, these eggs are actually bezoars, which you may remember being featured predominately in the best selling graphic novel series, The Sandman, by Neil Gaiman. Though to be fair, alien bezoar neural linking and subsequent mind control of humans is more like the martian slugs that threaten to take over humanity in Robert Kirkman’s superhero comic, Invincible, which came out several years after Buffy. And really, everyone isn’t ripping each other off so much as supplementing the rich tapestry of pop culture science fiction. And also please stop me before I start sounding any lamer, if that’s possible.

The evil bloated organic blob monster that controlled all the bezoars was a nice touch, too. Although the cowboy vampires were a big waste of time. Fuck those puds.

Then Buffy’s mom grounded her forever. THAT BITCH. How the frig is she supposed to slay vampires now? I GUESS WE WILL NEVER KNOW.

Buffy S2E11 Hleb

In which this dude Ted shows up and is all like, so did anyone order this big sausage pizza? and Buffy’s all like, yeah, about 5 hours ago, now hurry up and get in here, but then Buffy’s mom is all like, oh hell no little girl, this big sausage is all mine, and then Ted’s like, ladies, please, I’ve got plenty of big sausage for a MFF party, relax.

And Ted is a fucking rowbit. I should have guessed when Boofay went snooping around Hleb’s place of business and one of his coworkers called him a “machine.” Looks like I such at guessing the MOTW after all. Extra bonus though, legendary masterclass actor John Ritter guest starred as Theodore.

I generally enjoy evil rowbit stories, especially if they are big and purple and called Sentinels, but this one was just so-so. Elsewhere, pederast Giles and Jenny “page a day” Calendar, the sexy comp sci teacher, got to play tonsil hockey, as did faggot Xander and robobitch Cordelia. Nice work, Xander, I always knew you had it in you, though I have no idea what that turns our love rhombus into now. Love dodecahedron?

I had some more stuff written but I lost it when my shitty laptop crapped out on me. It does that sometimes. HEY GREAT STORY I KNOW RIGHT?

Buffy S2E10 What’s My Bergine - Fart the Second

In which I learn in the “previously on Buffy...” segment that the evil maggot dude from last episode says his name is Norman Fister and I immediately say: Fister? I hardly even know ‘er but OK no big deal I’ll give it a shot.

The other big development that I completely missed from last episode is that now there are TWO slayers, Buffy and new Afro-Caribbean babe, Kendra. Hot damn, now we can get that hot slayer on slayer action we’ve all been craving.

I appreciate the universe expanding role played by the new slayer, but to me, the character doesn’t work. For one thing, there’s the horrible, Ali G accent she’s doing the whole time. You can just picture the actress doing her faux Jamaican speak too fast and the director telling her to slow down so all the white kids can understand her, because she sounds slow, of mind. Speaking of race relations, Buffy is a massive cunt to Kendra from the get go, and I think we it’s safe to assume that it’s because Buffy’s character is a horrible bigot. It’s all she can do but be snippy and repress the tsunami of n-bombs she’s so desperately suppressing under an ocean of racially motivated hatred.

And I guess Maggot Man is supposed to be scary but how scary on meal worms? Oh no, super bad guy can turn himself into a writhing pile of teeny tiny harmless baby insects. What ever shall we do? Oh right, they step on him. Maybe if they had a bigger CGI budget this villain would have worked better.

Anyway, since there’s only room for big breasted nubile vampire killer in this series, kinky Kendra is put on the first airplane out of Hummasdale the instant the big fight with Spike and maggot man is over (which our heroes win, natch). Before she goes, Buffy says good bye and tries to hug Kendra, but Kendra recoils and says, “I don’t hug... but I do trib.” And so she and Buff mashed gashes until the wee hours of the morning and Kendra took the first flight the following morning (I made that last part up).

Oh yeah, and Xander and Cordelia kissed. Twice. Whatever he is still a huge faggot.

Buffy S2E9 What’s My Vergine - Fart 1

In which Buffy may have met her match in the vampire department and Willow’s admirer matches his meat to her dongus requirements.

I also didn’t pay too much attention to this episode, watching it pretty late at night before I fell asleep. It’s the front end of a two part story so maybe I’ll remember more when I watch the ass end in a little bit.

What I remember most is one of the big bad guys is an Avon salesman who’s actually made of meal worms. Meal worms! Holy fuck that’s totally gross! And it would have been even grosser if I hadn’t already seen it in Eric Larsen’s The Savage Dragon in 1993. I think the super villain Overlord is made out of meal worms. Could be wrong though, I haven’t read TSD is a long time. Hooray for more pointless comic book allusions!

The other thing I remember is that jagov Seth Green is back, popping boners whenever he’s around Willow. Lucky for Green’s bone-sword, he and Willow have been picked by some computer software super company to work for them because they’re such giant nerds. FUCKING NERDS.

Not only that but Seth Green’s character is a virtual midget, and I am racists against short people. They’re so awful. Constantly needing help reaching items on the top shelf of the cupboard and not being able to see the stage at concerts. Disgusting, filthy short people. You dwarvish nerds make me sick!

And then Spike and the other female British vampire do some shit and there’s some other bad guys I think. Whatever, I’m in the middle of season 3 of The Shield and check this out: VIC MACKEY IS BUSTING PROSTITUTES, OH YEAH HOOKERS.

Buffy S2E8 The Fart Age

In which Giles fucked it all up. Way to go, Giles, you fuckin bitch.

The main focus of this episode is a to dig into Giles wild days of yore, when he was buttfucking demons left and right, all reckless and John Constantine style. I doubt this was an explicit homage to the blue collar comic book street mage, but the similarities go a little deeper than British types dabbling in the dark arts, specifically in that a demon once thought buttfucked by Giles comes back to buttfuck one of his friends to death. The demon and the dead friend come back to haunt Giles and almost kill hot piece of Giles-lusting ass, sexy comp sci teacher Jenny Calendar (I learned her name finally! Also, nice fucking name, slut). Then Buffy and team dork detectives save the day. Or something like that, I watched this episode a couple days ago and the specifics are a little hazy (and I obviously don’t give enough of a darn to go rewatch or look it up on wikipedia).

In other news, Buffy and Willow play a stupid game called “Scenarios that get my teenage panties moistened,” or something like that, and name a bunch of dated late 90’s hearththrobs, like Rob Lowe and Dabney Coleman, I think. Again, not like I paid real close attention.

From what I do remember, though, it was a pretty decent episode. Giles gets a quality backstory, even if it’s ripped from the pages of Hellblazer, and the bad guy is sufficiently creepy, being the possessing type that goes from host to host, making them do shitty things. One of the hosts included Jenny Marie Calendar and her delicious chicken pot hair pies. Unsurprisingly, Jenny’s massive boner for Giles deflates a little bit after all the phantasmic escapades. Oh and that creepy costume shop guy was back, who I think is also part of Giles royal oat sowing days.

Anyway, moving on.

Buffy S2E7 Pies, TO ME!

In which Buffy’s old friend Ford enrolls at Poonydale and adds yet one more boner on to the overflowing pile of dinguses lusting after Buffy’s poonanie.

Evil Mary Poppins vampire also wants Pussy Good Guy Vampire Angelo’s dong rod up in her fallopian tubes. Time for a supernatural menagie. I bet that shit could last for DAYS.

Oh boy, robobitch Cordelia is discussing my favorite short lived European monarch, Marie AnTWATnet.

Willow very much reminds me of Garth. I wonder if it’s intentional. Garth is awesome. He made donut men and fought them to the death. That is BOSS.

Hey you know how Buffy is always trying to balance her social life with her slaying responsibilities? Why doesn’t she just drop out and commit to slaying full time? Like when teenagers get really kick ass at sports, say like Michael Phelps, the they drop our of high school so then can train full time. So why doesn’t Buffy just drop the fuck out? She only has two friends, I’m sure she’ll be able to keep in touch. Her boyfriend is a fucking vampire. What the fuck is she still doing wasting her time with class and shit? I guess he’d have to tell her mom, but so what? Her mom should have been the first person to find out about Buffy’s slaying. Certainly makes more sense than to only tell two dickheads from school and a creepy British pederast about it.

There are lot of parallels between this episode and the ALL TIME CLASSIC COMIC ISSUES, Preacher: Cassiday: Blood and Whiskey, in that they both feature a bunch of teenage dipshits, enthralled with the romanticized, Anne Rice style vampire mythology, prompting a “real” vampire to quite rudely disabuse them of that notion. They both came out right around the same time, so I doubt one influenced the other, but I will say this, Preacher fucking owns. Garth Ennis is the tits.

So the twist: Buffy’s old friend, Ford, has terminal brain cancer and just six months left to live, so he wants to become a vampire. Which means they get to have a SUPER SERIAL HEART TO HEART!!!

Then Ford gets eaten by monsters and the show ends. A GRAND ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR THIS VERY SPECIAL EPISODE OF BUFFY.

Buffy S2E6 Swallowpeen

In which Spike returns on Halloween to trick or treat, smell my feet, enjoy all of these sperms to eat, because I pound my meat, this dong I beat, which fills your mouth with gobs of skeet.

I can’t say that the fight scenes aren’t improving, which is obvious from the cold opening. Nice to know the choreographer isn’t just sitting there with his thumb up his dick hole. The music is still atrocious though. For fuck’s sake, man, what is this garbage?

Back in school, after Buffy stops a bully from beating him up, Xander worries that people are going to get the impression that he is some sort of “sissy man”. HAHAHAHAHAHA, it’s funny to me BECAUSE XANDER IS A FAGGOT.

Well would you look at that? Some rando Buffy meets in the beginning of the episode ends up being involved in some spooky, mystical, conspiracy. Who’d a thunk it? I mean besides everybody, of course.

For Halloween, Buffy’s all tarted up like the bimbo of the Most Serene Republic’s Ball. And Willow is attired as what can only be described as common street trash. Willow the two bit, nay, one bit whore. Twelve and a half cents is all it takes to get laid by Willow is what that means. Then they go out trick or treating and then one of the kids doesn’t get candy so then he’s all like, BITCH GIVE ME THAT FUCKING CANDY.

And the twist this time is that people start literally turning in to the things they’re dressed up as. All because of that random spaz they met at the costume shop. It is exactly because of this potential scenario that for every Halloween I dress up as Katy Perry’s dildo.

Spike doesn’t end up factoring in much and once pederast Giles figures out how to break the random spaz’ spell, Buffy returns to normal and kicks his ass, yet still lets him escape. Then everyone goes back to friggin off on the love rhombus of dorkitudinality like normal. And I guess continuity-wise the biggest development was Willow getting some self confidence in her tramp gear and getting noticed by Seth Green again. Does that mean Green is going to become a semi-regular on this show? Good lord I hope not.

Since Xander becomes a cliche spewing army man for half the episodes screen time, the whole things seems to serve as en excuse for Whedon to play around with the military action hero genre. Which is fine. I mean what the fuck do I care, it’s his fuckin show. Leave me out of it. Frig.