In which I attempt to live blog this Buffy episode because fuck this recap after the fact shit; also the Shield owns bitches all day long. [ps, I end up writing a fuck ton of words. Looks like someone has diarrhea of the keyboard].
I get that Buffy has that weird opening for the sake of new fans, but it should really start with the line “IN A WORLD, GONE MAD” from the classic porno “Breeders”. Look it up, no time to ‘splain.
Oh great, Dago vampires.
Fuck all this reading bullshit. Subtitles are gay. Speak Anglish or shut up, bitches.
Have you heard about the new Italian Vampire tires? Day go in da rain, day go in da snow, and when dey get a flat DAGO WOP WOP WOP WOP.
Ok, italian flashback over, I have no idea what nonsense they were speaking about but some demon got trapped in a book and now Buffy just opened it.
Wait, who’s this slut? Comp Sci teacher? Pretty lady, rawr!
Now theyre all talking high-techie babble. Yeah, very advanced, for NINTEEN NINETY SEVEN. Fucking old geezers and your fat screened monitors.
And now theyre all dumping on that old pederast Giles. Well laugh it up now, youngins, but remember, THE ARROW OF TIME SLOWS FOR NO MAN.
The opening sequence also sucks the dick. It looks cheap as hell and the music is shit. My garage band from high school was better. Well, no we weren’t, we were fucking awful. But at least we got laid a lot. Ok, no we didn’t, but at least I’m going to stop talking about my shitty band of virgins now.
Buffy in a white cotton tank top - FUCK AND YES.
Willow has fallen in love with the blinking cursor from Doogie Howser’s computer.
Oh wait, I get it, that greasy Italian Demon Don Retardo has bee “downloaded” on to the cyberweb mainframe when Willow scanned that book and uploaded it’s digital contents onto the Cybersphere’s Net of CD ROMS and VGA GRAPHICS. Now it’s going to run amok by sending bullshit electronic missives to our hapless band of heroes and the unwitting dupes of Cunnydail High. Fuck this.
Willow is in love with an e-pen pal. And I’M IN LOVE WITH A STRIPPAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
HAHAHA, NICE LAPTOP YOU FUCKING PUSSY! That shit is older than a 13 year old dump I took 13 years ago! Just slightly older if this aired in the spring of 97 and it’s now December 2010. BUT STILL, a little bit older and OH GOD WHY DO I HAVE THIS 13 YEAR OLD DUMP AROUND. FUCK!
Xander is still a total faggot.
Buffy’s hypothesis: WIllow’s penpal is a circus freak! haha, no, says Xander, you’re just over reacting. LISTEN ASSHOLES, YOU LIVE ON A HELLMOUTH. ASSUME EVERYTHING IS BECAUSE OF A FUCKING DEMON VAMPIRE SORCERER’S SPELL. CHRIST.
Possessed student sitting at the computer, cutting letters into his arm with a knife: “I’m jacked in... I’m jacked in... I’m jacked in...” I can’t really make that any more hilarious than it already is.
Buffy and Willow changing in the girls lockerroom. God I wish those things actually existed. I’m pretty sure movie and tv writers assume they exist in public schools because they saw Porky’s once. Fucking idiots.
Buffy just said “e-letter.” What a cunt.
She is also dressed like a total prostitute. Which is obviously fine by me, I’m just saying, that is a short skirt and I don’t think it’s unreasonable or perverted to assume that she’s constantly flashing her teenage classmates her beav. It’s just a logical conclusion any not creepy at all 29 year old dude would reach. Der.
Sexy Comp Sci teacher is the flirty tech savy counterpart to the stuffy, British and pedaphillic Giles and wants to try to get all the “glitches out of the mainframe.” Yeah, good luck. NERD.
Willow is in a chat room with guido demon computer. None of them use LOL or any of that retarded leet speak those goldarn teenagers are shithouse crazy for. UNREALISTIC. LAME. FUCKING WRITERS ARE FIRED.
Sexy Comp Sci lady and Giles are going to totally bone. What the hell is her name? Anyway, who fucking cares.
Once again, Buffy’s ta-tas look pretty all right. Look, she’s older than me in real life, so back off.
And back in the girls locker room. Which has functioning showers. The showers in my high school locker rooms were used for storage. More nonsense.
Also (as I adjust my glasses and pocket protector) Buffy doesn’t have to worry about being electrocuted in half an inch of water if she’s wearing 3 inch rubber souled boots. Yet somehow once the water hits the electrical wires Buffy is blasted into the next room. Shameful.
Dago Compy Vamp writes fake suicide note for unwitting Sunnydale pawn and then has another possessed goon murder him (off camera, but still)? Kind of gnarly actually.
Moloch, the Corrupter? Easter Egg from Watchmen? Or whatever Lovecraftian thingy it sounds like its from?
Dork Squad Investigation Team is painstakingly telling the audience shit we all figured out many hours ago. What are we slow? We get it, fucking demon in the computer. Get to the fight scene and then resolve this shit already.
Ooooh, the files are IN the computer!
Searching for Willow is.... BORING! Wait, I mean suspenseful. No, I definitely mean boring.
And one of the dupes is dead. Whats the innocent victim death toll up to now? 15? fucking 30? Fucking Deadwood was a safer town to live in.
“Zomboids” says Buffy. Very Claremontion.
These POS graphics are really cracking me up. Hey, get a serious video card why don’t you? What the hell is your processors speed? 7? I bet you can’t even run Duke Nukem 3D on that ancient artifact, fuckin NOOB.
Hello Buffy, would you like to play Chat Roulette? By which I mean how would you like to watch me nerk my throbber via webcam?
“The divine exists in cyberspace.” and “Techno pagan is the term”, says sexy Comp Sci teacher. Jesus Christ that makes we want to kick her right in the fupa.
God damn it. They just made Moloch the Woppire a rubber suited monster. What the fuck is this. Get this bullshit the fuck out of her. I guess they just need something for Sarah Michelle Gellar to awkwardly roundhouse kick. Can’t have an episode without awkwardly choreographed punches from a 90 pound girl. What a fucking travesty. Garbage.
And Moloch just killed another student. Sure, why not? No one makes a big deal out of things when a bitch load of students die. That Columbine thing? Blown way out of proportion.
The solution to this episode’s problem is just Giles dictating a spell for sexy Comp Sci teacher to type into “the net”. Sure. Once it’s on the net it’ll just take care of everything on its on. This show makes Weird Science look like MIT.
Moloch is now trapped in rowbit from, and dies when he punches a fuse box. This show can suck my dick.
Giles: “I will see you anon.” Thanks Bill Shagsbere, you fuckin bitch.
Giles loves books that smell. Thats not all he likes to smell. I’m talking about a stanky bergina, you know.
Willow is down on herself because she fell in love with a computer that turned out to be a evil demon eyetie. WELL MAYBE IF YOU STUCK MORE WOODWIND INSTRUMENTS UP YOUR TWAT YOU’D GET MORE ATTENTION FORM GUYS, YOU FUCKING BITCH.
Episode ends with an ironic “I guess we’re doomed” quip and laughs from the 3 dork ass paranormal investigators. Yep. I’d say so. Also doomed? My liver. TIME TO GET SOZZLED, FUCKERS. FINALS ARE OVER AND ITS COOL TO BE DRUNK. TOUCHDOWNS FOR EVERYONE.
I get that Buffy has that weird opening for the sake of new fans, but it should really start with the line “IN A WORLD, GONE MAD” from the classic porno “Breeders”. Look it up, no time to ‘splain.
Oh great, Dago vampires.
Fuck all this reading bullshit. Subtitles are gay. Speak Anglish or shut up, bitches.
Have you heard about the new Italian Vampire tires? Day go in da rain, day go in da snow, and when dey get a flat DAGO WOP WOP WOP WOP.
Ok, italian flashback over, I have no idea what nonsense they were speaking about but some demon got trapped in a book and now Buffy just opened it.
Wait, who’s this slut? Comp Sci teacher? Pretty lady, rawr!
Now theyre all talking high-techie babble. Yeah, very advanced, for NINTEEN NINETY SEVEN. Fucking old geezers and your fat screened monitors.
And now theyre all dumping on that old pederast Giles. Well laugh it up now, youngins, but remember, THE ARROW OF TIME SLOWS FOR NO MAN.
The opening sequence also sucks the dick. It looks cheap as hell and the music is shit. My garage band from high school was better. Well, no we weren’t, we were fucking awful. But at least we got laid a lot. Ok, no we didn’t, but at least I’m going to stop talking about my shitty band of virgins now.
Buffy in a white cotton tank top - FUCK AND YES.
Willow has fallen in love with the blinking cursor from Doogie Howser’s computer.
Oh wait, I get it, that greasy Italian Demon Don Retardo has bee “downloaded” on to the cyberweb mainframe when Willow scanned that book and uploaded it’s digital contents onto the Cybersphere’s Net of CD ROMS and VGA GRAPHICS. Now it’s going to run amok by sending bullshit electronic missives to our hapless band of heroes and the unwitting dupes of Cunnydail High. Fuck this.
Willow is in love with an e-pen pal. And I’M IN LOVE WITH A STRIPPAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
HAHAHA, NICE LAPTOP YOU FUCKING PUSSY! That shit is older than a 13 year old dump I took 13 years ago! Just slightly older if this aired in the spring of 97 and it’s now December 2010. BUT STILL, a little bit older and OH GOD WHY DO I HAVE THIS 13 YEAR OLD DUMP AROUND. FUCK!
Xander is still a total faggot.
Buffy’s hypothesis: WIllow’s penpal is a circus freak! haha, no, says Xander, you’re just over reacting. LISTEN ASSHOLES, YOU LIVE ON A HELLMOUTH. ASSUME EVERYTHING IS BECAUSE OF A FUCKING DEMON VAMPIRE SORCERER’S SPELL. CHRIST.
Possessed student sitting at the computer, cutting letters into his arm with a knife: “I’m jacked in... I’m jacked in... I’m jacked in...” I can’t really make that any more hilarious than it already is.
Buffy and Willow changing in the girls lockerroom. God I wish those things actually existed. I’m pretty sure movie and tv writers assume they exist in public schools because they saw Porky’s once. Fucking idiots.
Buffy just said “e-letter.” What a cunt.
She is also dressed like a total prostitute. Which is obviously fine by me, I’m just saying, that is a short skirt and I don’t think it’s unreasonable or perverted to assume that she’s constantly flashing her teenage classmates her beav. It’s just a logical conclusion any not creepy at all 29 year old dude would reach. Der.
Sexy Comp Sci teacher is the flirty tech savy counterpart to the stuffy, British and pedaphillic Giles and wants to try to get all the “glitches out of the mainframe.” Yeah, good luck. NERD.
Willow is in a chat room with guido demon computer. None of them use LOL or any of that retarded leet speak those goldarn teenagers are shithouse crazy for. UNREALISTIC. LAME. FUCKING WRITERS ARE FIRED.
Sexy Comp Sci lady and Giles are going to totally bone. What the hell is her name? Anyway, who fucking cares.
Once again, Buffy’s ta-tas look pretty all right. Look, she’s older than me in real life, so back off.
And back in the girls locker room. Which has functioning showers. The showers in my high school locker rooms were used for storage. More nonsense.
Also (as I adjust my glasses and pocket protector) Buffy doesn’t have to worry about being electrocuted in half an inch of water if she’s wearing 3 inch rubber souled boots. Yet somehow once the water hits the electrical wires Buffy is blasted into the next room. Shameful.
Dago Compy Vamp writes fake suicide note for unwitting Sunnydale pawn and then has another possessed goon murder him (off camera, but still)? Kind of gnarly actually.
Moloch, the Corrupter? Easter Egg from Watchmen? Or whatever Lovecraftian thingy it sounds like its from?
Dork Squad Investigation Team is painstakingly telling the audience shit we all figured out many hours ago. What are we slow? We get it, fucking demon in the computer. Get to the fight scene and then resolve this shit already.
Ooooh, the files are IN the computer!
Searching for Willow is.... BORING! Wait, I mean suspenseful. No, I definitely mean boring.
And one of the dupes is dead. Whats the innocent victim death toll up to now? 15? fucking 30? Fucking Deadwood was a safer town to live in.
“Zomboids” says Buffy. Very Claremontion.
These POS graphics are really cracking me up. Hey, get a serious video card why don’t you? What the hell is your processors speed? 7? I bet you can’t even run Duke Nukem 3D on that ancient artifact, fuckin NOOB.
Hello Buffy, would you like to play Chat Roulette? By which I mean how would you like to watch me nerk my throbber via webcam?
“The divine exists in cyberspace.” and “Techno pagan is the term”, says sexy Comp Sci teacher. Jesus Christ that makes we want to kick her right in the fupa.
God damn it. They just made Moloch the Woppire a rubber suited monster. What the fuck is this. Get this bullshit the fuck out of her. I guess they just need something for Sarah Michelle Gellar to awkwardly roundhouse kick. Can’t have an episode without awkwardly choreographed punches from a 90 pound girl. What a fucking travesty. Garbage.
And Moloch just killed another student. Sure, why not? No one makes a big deal out of things when a bitch load of students die. That Columbine thing? Blown way out of proportion.
The solution to this episode’s problem is just Giles dictating a spell for sexy Comp Sci teacher to type into “the net”. Sure. Once it’s on the net it’ll just take care of everything on its on. This show makes Weird Science look like MIT.
Moloch is now trapped in rowbit from, and dies when he punches a fuse box. This show can suck my dick.
Giles: “I will see you anon.” Thanks Bill Shagsbere, you fuckin bitch.
Giles loves books that smell. Thats not all he likes to smell. I’m talking about a stanky bergina, you know.
Willow is down on herself because she fell in love with a computer that turned out to be a evil demon eyetie. WELL MAYBE IF YOU STUCK MORE WOODWIND INSTRUMENTS UP YOUR TWAT YOU’D GET MORE ATTENTION FORM GUYS, YOU FUCKING BITCH.
Episode ends with an ironic “I guess we’re doomed” quip and laughs from the 3 dork ass paranormal investigators. Yep. I’d say so. Also doomed? My liver. TIME TO GET SOZZLED, FUCKERS. FINALS ARE OVER AND ITS COOL TO BE DRUNK. TOUCHDOWNS FOR EVERYONE.
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