In which all hell literally breaks loose and Buffy literally pulls the solution out of her ass.
Apropos of nothing, I noticed that on the soundtrack to the original Buffy the Vampire movie, the Divynals (they of “I Touch Myself” fame) have a track on it called “Ain’t Gonna Eat Out My Heat No More.” How great is that? Fucking excellent.
Back in the television version of the Buffyverse, lots of bad bad things are going down, portending the apocalypse being ushered in by the stupidly named villain, The Master. Oh god the Hellmouth is going to open and let the Master out he going to suck us up in the hell mouth and suck us dry until we’re begging the Master to stop sucking because we can take the Master’s suckings no more.
Also faggot Xander asks Buffy out on a date and crashes and burns worse than Nick Hogan (too obscure?). And I know it’s not polite to call people faggots but the real problem is that many are under the mistaken assumption that it targets a specific sub-group of people when really it’s just a simple cut down with no direct ties to self identifying homosexual men. Also, it is an aesthetically perfect sounding insult to use in the case of Xander. In fact, no other word captures the entirety of Xander’s actions and personality while simultaneously thrashing it with as much precision and accuracy than the the word faggot. So I’m not trying to put down any segment of the population, just this retarded fictional character in an asinine tv show.
So anyway, faggot Xander is shut down and spends a lot of the show flopping around his bed like a depressed jagov, listening to country music and crying himself to sleep.
Elsewhere, pederast Giles reads a prophecy foretelling Buffy’s death at the hands of the Master (-bater. Sorry, had to say it at least once). But that doesn’t stop Buff. No sir. She even knocks old man Giles the fuck out when he tries to stop her. Then pussy Angel and faggot Xander find Buffy dead. Whoops! Then Cordelia (oh she’s a good guy now! squeel!) saves Willow and sexy Comp Sci lady from a vampire zombie horde. Then Xander gives Buffy mouth to mouth and she survives (cheap cop out!). Then the Master breaks out of the Hellmouth and into real life and jerks off all over the himself (blorp!). And now Buffy is MORE POWERFUL THAN EVER! (Wait, why?) Then a Sarlacc Pit Monster erupts in the library. Wait, now Buffy is undead? What the fuck. Also I find it totally racist that crosses are anathema to vampires. What about stars of David or crescent moons? Can a Hindu wield a cross with the same effectiveness as Socal honkey sluts? And why don’t Buffy and the rest of the people just cover themselves in crosses? Then those monster bitches could never even touch them. Oh right, the show. And so then Buffy kills The Master by impaling him on a stake. Wow, very original.
Then they all walk a way like a bunch of pals. Dork ass nerd pals, that is. The end.
So no bonage for anybody in season 1. That’s too bad because sexy Comp Sci teacher is absolutely begging for it. Overall I give the season a D. Just barely passable. I don’t know what I expected though. I think I just have high hopes for any form of entertainment with the word “slayer” in it, because I knew this kid in high school named Chris Layer, and I just loved saying his name like this: Chriiiiiii...SLAYER! It’s still fun for me to this very day.
I guess for combining vampires, murder and shit with Dawson’s Creek, the show gets a A, but as far as entertaining a 29 year old male with fabulous taste, I only barely managed to make it through the season. Does it get better? Who fucking cares? Well, maybe I’ll check it out. But not before watching bitch loads more of the Shield. Vic Mackey FUCK SHIT UP.
Back in the television version of the Buffyverse, lots of bad bad things are going down, portending the apocalypse being ushered in by the stupidly named villain, The Master. Oh god the Hellmouth is going to open and let the Master out he going to suck us up in the hell mouth and suck us dry until we’re begging the Master to stop sucking because we can take the Master’s suckings no more.
Also faggot Xander asks Buffy out on a date and crashes and burns worse than Nick Hogan (too obscure?). And I know it’s not polite to call people faggots but the real problem is that many are under the mistaken assumption that it targets a specific sub-group of people when really it’s just a simple cut down with no direct ties to self identifying homosexual men. Also, it is an aesthetically perfect sounding insult to use in the case of Xander. In fact, no other word captures the entirety of Xander’s actions and personality while simultaneously thrashing it with as much precision and accuracy than the the word faggot. So I’m not trying to put down any segment of the population, just this retarded fictional character in an asinine tv show.
So anyway, faggot Xander is shut down and spends a lot of the show flopping around his bed like a depressed jagov, listening to country music and crying himself to sleep.
Elsewhere, pederast Giles reads a prophecy foretelling Buffy’s death at the hands of the Master (-bater. Sorry, had to say it at least once). But that doesn’t stop Buff. No sir. She even knocks old man Giles the fuck out when he tries to stop her. Then pussy Angel and faggot Xander find Buffy dead. Whoops! Then Cordelia (oh she’s a good guy now! squeel!) saves Willow and sexy Comp Sci lady from a vampire zombie horde. Then Xander gives Buffy mouth to mouth and she survives (cheap cop out!). Then the Master breaks out of the Hellmouth and into real life and jerks off all over the himself (blorp!). And now Buffy is MORE POWERFUL THAN EVER! (Wait, why?) Then a Sarlacc Pit Monster erupts in the library. Wait, now Buffy is undead? What the fuck. Also I find it totally racist that crosses are anathema to vampires. What about stars of David or crescent moons? Can a Hindu wield a cross with the same effectiveness as Socal honkey sluts? And why don’t Buffy and the rest of the people just cover themselves in crosses? Then those monster bitches could never even touch them. Oh right, the show. And so then Buffy kills The Master by impaling him on a stake. Wow, very original.
Then they all walk a way like a bunch of pals. Dork ass nerd pals, that is. The end.
So no bonage for anybody in season 1. That’s too bad because sexy Comp Sci teacher is absolutely begging for it. Overall I give the season a D. Just barely passable. I don’t know what I expected though. I think I just have high hopes for any form of entertainment with the word “slayer” in it, because I knew this kid in high school named Chris Layer, and I just loved saying his name like this: Chriiiiiii...SLAYER! It’s still fun for me to this very day.
I guess for combining vampires, murder and shit with Dawson’s Creek, the show gets a A, but as far as entertaining a 29 year old male with fabulous taste, I only barely managed to make it through the season. Does it get better? Who fucking cares? Well, maybe I’ll check it out. But not before watching bitch loads more of the Shield. Vic Mackey FUCK SHIT UP.
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